paintsurface
New Member
- May 16, 2026
- 1
Hey folks this is my first post,
I am planning to CTB sometime this year. I simply see no future for myself, I don't see why I should go on. I don't want kids, I don't want to condemn someone I'll love to die. I have no interests and my prospects are dwindling. Sure I'm young enough that I could recover and live a stable life but I don't want to, why should I live another 60 years? To do what? To work for momentary vacations and a new car?
I feel guilty because I live a good life, I have a loving family and friends who care about me, as far as most Australians go my life is pretty average and that is pretty good. I feel so ungrateful, I am my Mother's only kid and when I CTB I'm not even sure I'd leave a note. What would I say? For a long time I've wished someone else could live my life, my brain is clearly defective and someone else should take charge. Every night I think about this and I cry, I cry that I haven't bought any supplies for an exit bag sooner. There is just no future for me, I've probably already fucked my future from steroid abuse as a teenager, failing school, pushing people away. Sometimes I wonder if I should just delay CTB to push everyone away, everyone who loves me and cares for me and just disappear. I wish I wasn't born I wish this everyday, why was I so unlucky? If I wasn't born I'd never feel this way and what would I miss out on? I'd miss out on nothing because I wouldn't exist. Any further living would just burden my loved ones, I am just so sick of it! Maybe it is selfish, but I didn't choose to be here.
Everyone keeps talking about my future, I haven't really discussed this deeply with anybody before, I almost feel that if I were to talk to someone I'd just have to do it?
I am planning to CTB sometime this year. I simply see no future for myself, I don't see why I should go on. I don't want kids, I don't want to condemn someone I'll love to die. I have no interests and my prospects are dwindling. Sure I'm young enough that I could recover and live a stable life but I don't want to, why should I live another 60 years? To do what? To work for momentary vacations and a new car?
I feel guilty because I live a good life, I have a loving family and friends who care about me, as far as most Australians go my life is pretty average and that is pretty good. I feel so ungrateful, I am my Mother's only kid and when I CTB I'm not even sure I'd leave a note. What would I say? For a long time I've wished someone else could live my life, my brain is clearly defective and someone else should take charge. Every night I think about this and I cry, I cry that I haven't bought any supplies for an exit bag sooner. There is just no future for me, I've probably already fucked my future from steroid abuse as a teenager, failing school, pushing people away. Sometimes I wonder if I should just delay CTB to push everyone away, everyone who loves me and cares for me and just disappear. I wish I wasn't born I wish this everyday, why was I so unlucky? If I wasn't born I'd never feel this way and what would I miss out on? I'd miss out on nothing because I wouldn't exist. Any further living would just burden my loved ones, I am just so sick of it! Maybe it is selfish, but I didn't choose to be here.
Everyone keeps talking about my future, I haven't really discussed this deeply with anybody before, I almost feel that if I were to talk to someone I'd just have to do it?
