Story I feel like an outcast — personal thoughts

[The Disqualified]

I feel like a complete, permanent outcast of society.
Even here in Sasu I feel like an outcast among outcasts. My mental illness made me live a very isolated childhood. I was severely mocked and excluded for the way I am.

That made me bitter and hurt deeply. Family, school, peers etc. traumatized me and I have become resentful of them.
I am simply a complete failure and an outcast.
I don't know what is the point of living at this point.

What will I do? Find a job? Work? What is the point of all of that? I keep asking myself these kind of questions...

I lost my childhood and teenage years to this illness. My choices were horrible, but also my passivity and lack of choosing to change things just dug the hole deeper.

I keep trying and improving myself, but what is the point of it all?
I feel like I started life yesterday, while the whole world had been going on without me.

I feel so completely detached from the rest of the human species that I don't even know what I am anymore.
People's lives are so alien to me. I am a complete loser who was drowned in anxiety and depression while the world was moving.

Even suicidal people seem to have much more eventful and joyful lives than mine. I try to be empathetic, but have a hard time understanding why some people who seem to have everything going on for them (lots of friends, a loving family, love, money, community, etc.) still think suicide is the best option for them.

My apparent reinsertion into society (talking with others, listening to their experiences and lives, seeing them from up close) has been even more painful than my isolation ever was.

I can't believe these people are real. I don't even care sometimes if they find me rude or weird when I talk to them, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It is just that I've gone through so much that I can't put up with farcicality anymore. I just say things.

No one in person knows who I am like. I despise what I have to do, and I often feel disgusted looking back at the lengths I have gone through to try to get approval from the outside world.

The outside world is a place I resent, but it is the place where all the happy people are — you can't be happy alone and hurt.

The more I look around, the more I feel like a failure, a complete outcast.
I truly feel like an outcast. I alternate between feeling superior and inferior to others.

I don't know where this will end, but I have been holding on for longer than most would ever do. I've seen people around me fall into all sorts of holes, but I am still standing.
It is remarkable, really. Some years ago, I didn't even think I would be alive right now. I have been suicidal for a long time.

I know people in real life wouldn't care; they all see me as a jester anyway.
There is no point to this charade.
I feel like a victim, but also feel like I have the agency and the responsibility to do something better.
I am responsible for my own life, but I also am bitter against the outside world.
School, especially, was absolute hell for me: no place ever traumatized me as much as that place — even the teachers mocked me in front of everyone.

I feel empathy for people. I can feel their sadness inside my chest, but I don't know where to go from there.
I feel like a lost soul — I need to find my path.

I need to escape from this bitterness, or else I will be just like them.
I can't live like this forever.

Thanks for listening.

 

[CarbonBased]

I know it's weird to hear from a stranger, but I do feel like you are quite special. In a good way. I haven't experienced your struggles, but I feel like I can understand you (even if not perfectly). May I ask you what you're looking for on this forum?

 

[The Disqualified]

I know it's weird to hear from a stranger, but I do feel like you are quite special. In a good way. I haven't experienced your struggles, but I feel like I can understand you (even if not perfectly). May I ask you what you're looking for on this forum?

Thanks for responding.

I am not sure how to interpret 'special'. I remember people in school would give me ironical nicknames that conveyed the image of a 'tough guy', perhaps as a way to cheer me up and handle the uneasiness in the air. As I was very shy and awkward, people would often adopt a paternalistic tone when talking to me — it was especially jarring in group conversations. I always dreaded that.

I used to feel fundamentally inferior to other people for feeeling and being different, but not anymore.
I guess it would be better to find places where I could grow and connect with others genuinely, without farcicality. I always longed to meet people that shared my frequency of existence, though I have also learned that I have to take the initiative as well.
I started to value myself a lot more as time went on. I also started to examine the world around me more.

I am not sure who I really am at the end of the day, since I have learned to developed many versions of myself.

When I joined this forum, I was very suicidal and actively pursued SN to get it. My suicidality has fluctuated since then, but suicide is just something I come back to inevitably.
I am not sure what I am looking for in this forum specifically. I just talk here in the hopes of meeting similar people and having positive experiences with them, which have happened.
I also like to vent? I just need to let my thoughts out somewhere, I guess.

What about you? You seem young, just like me.

 

[CarbonBased]

I'm so sorry if what I said sounded condescending! I didn't mean it this way, I swear. It's just that I have difficulty relating to other people, but when I read your post, I immediately thought to myself "wow, I like this person" and this is quite special to me.
I'm really glad to hear that you were able to overcome the inferiority complex you once had. I don't really know you, but based on what you said about yourself, I really think that you are not at all less than other people. I think you're just misunderstood.
I did my research long before creating an account here as all the info is accessible without it. The reason I joined is specifically to find like-minded people. I think this is one of the very few places where I can find people I can truly connect with. I see that our goals largely align ^^
Also, you guessed correctly - I am young. I'm in my early 20s (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ‹𝟹

 

[The Disqualified]

I'm so sorry if what I said sounded condescending! I didn't mean it this way, I swear.

Sorry. Did it sound like I was accusing you of that?
It seems we have had quite a miscommunication here haha. The way I wrote was poor, actually.

Don't worry, it didn't sound condescending. I understand you meant well. I was just connecting it to my real life experience where people would treat me differently because of the way I am. I actually liked your original message and fully understood its meaning.
Please, no need to apologize.

 

[CarbonBased]

Sorry. Did it sound like I was accusing you of that?
It seems we have had quite a miscommunication here haha. The way I wrote was poor, actually.

Don't worry, it didn't sound condescending. I understand you meant well. I was just connecting it to my real life experience where people would treat me differently because of the way I am. I actually liked your original message and fully understood its meaning.
Please, no need to apologize.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that we're good. I think we both messed up a little bit, lol
Say, would you be interested in chatting in private? I'm not quite sure whether I have the necessary permissions yet, but I'd be happy to talk to you more as soon as I'm able to ^^
Of course, it's totally cool if you don't want this. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything

 

[JeyJeyOfJeypore]

I feel like a complete, permanent outcast of society.
Even here in Sasu I feel like an outcast among outcasts. My mental illness made me live a very isolated childhood. I was severely mocked and excluded for the way I am.

That made me bitter and hurt deeply. Family, school, peers etc. traumatized me and I have become resentful of them.
I am simply a complete failure and an outcast.
I don't know what is the point of living at this point.

What will I do? Find a job? Work? What is the point of all of that? I keep asking myself these kind of questions...

I lost my childhood and teenage years to this illness. My choices were horrible, but also my passivity and lack of choosing to change things just dug the hole deeper.

I keep trying and improving myself, but what is the point of it all?
I feel like I started life yesterday, while the whole world had been going on without me.

I feel so completely detached from the rest of the human species that I don't even know what I am anymore.
People's lives are so alien to me. I am a complete loser who was drowned in anxiety and depression while the world was moving.

Even suicidal people seem to have much more eventful and joyful lives than mine. I try to be empathetic, but have a hard time understanding why some people who seem to have everything going on for them (lots of friends, a loving family, love, money, community, etc.) still think suicide is the best option for them.

My apparent reinsertion into society (talking with others, listening to their experiences and lives, seeing them from up close) has been even more painful than my isolation ever was.

I can't believe these people are real. I don't even care sometimes if they find me rude or weird when I talk to them, and I don't mean that in a bad way. It is just that I've gone through so much that I can't put up with farcicality anymore. I just say things.

No one in person knows who I am like. I despise what I have to do, and I often feel disgusted looking back at the lengths I have gone through to try to get approval from the outside world.

The outside world is a place I resent, but it is the place where all the happy people are — you can't be happy alone and hurt.

The more I look around, the more I feel like a failure, a complete outcast.
I truly feel like an outcast. I alternate between feeling superior and inferior to others.

I don't know where this will end, but I have been holding on for longer than most would ever do. I've seen people around me fall into all sorts of holes, but I am still standing.
It is remarkable, really. Some years ago, I didn't even think I would be alive right now. I have been suicidal for a long time.

I know people in real life wouldn't care; they all see me as a jester anyway.
There is no point to this charade.
I feel like a victim, but also feel like I have the agency and the responsibility to do something better.
I am responsible for my own life, but I also am bitter against the outside world.
School, especially, was absolute hell for me: no place ever traumatized me as much as that place — even the teachers mocked me in front of everyone.

I feel empathy for people. I can feel their sadness inside my chest, but I don't know where to go from there.
I feel like a lost soul — I need to find my path.

I need to escape from this bitterness, or else I will be just like them.
I can't live like this forever.

Thanks for listening.

Cant be more of an outcast than me

Plenty of ppl even on here who want me dead

 

[The Disqualified]

It's just that I have difficulty relating to other people, but when I read your post, I immediately thought to myself "wow, I like this person" and this is quite special to me.

I am happy you liked my post and me.
People here sometimes connect deeply to some of my posts, especially the ones about loneliness. I like writing at length over these topics. I think it just makes me feel better laying it down this clearly.

It seems we can relate on that difficulty.

I'm really glad to hear that you were able to overcome the inferiority complex you once had. I don't really know you, but based on what you said about yourself, I really think that you are not at all less than other people. I think you're just misunderstood.

Thanks.

I did my research long before creating an account here as all the info is accessible without it. The reason I joined is specifically to find like-minded people. I think this is one of the very few places where I can find people I can truly connect with. I see that our goals largely align ^^
Also, you guessed correctly - I am young. I'm in my early 20s (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ‹𝟹

I see.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that we're good. I think we both messed up a little bit, lol
Say, would you be interested in chatting in private? I'm not quite sure whether I have the necessary permissions yet, but I'd be happy to talk to you more as soon as I'm able to ^^
Of course, it's totally cool if you don't want this. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything

Sure.

Your profile picture is very eerie and grotesque to me I would say. No offense, I am just disgusted at seeing meat like that.

I assure you that you are more than just meat.

May I ask what is the meaning behind your profile picture and username? This made me curious.

 

[Atonal]

Thanks for sharing this. It's not like I have anything to say really, I guess it's just about that feeling when you gaze into nothingness and then suddenly notice something familiar in the distance. When you want to at least acknowledge it.

But in any case, it's nice to hear that you've learnt to consciously value yourself. I haven't really experienced it, but it should bring some changes in a person's life, I believe.

even the teachers mocked me in front of everyone.

Yes... That's how my school life began.

 

[The Disqualified]

But in any case, it's nice to hear that you've learnt to consciously value yourself. I haven't really experienced it, but it should bring some changes in a person's life, I believe.

Thanks for answering. Yes, I definitely can stand up for myself more these days.
Even though I still struggle some times—of course, life isn't perfect—I feel better these days with myself.
You can't pretend to be someone you aren't, and it didn't feel that bad to realize that. I also think my growth happened as I started understanding my situation and the world around me as well.

Yes... That's how my school life began.

I feel you. School is just a mess in general. I am glad to be over it now...

Sending hugs.