Venting I dreaded running out of hope/options

[whotookmylexapro]

Ive dealt with debilitating OCD for so long. Around 3 years ago I decided to seek help to try to treat it. I was hopeful. Life was still manageable and exciting, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But 1 medication turned to 5 to 10 to eventually 20 different medications that i have tried. All of them have either done nothing or temporarily helped my OCD but eventually stopped working, almost like a bacterial infection that develops resistance to penicillin. 1 therapy session turned to 5, 10, 20 and still nothing. By then my hope was shakey, I was out of most options. I went to the extreme options, specifically TMS therapy and ketamine/spravato therapy. TMS did nothing. My first round of ketamine worked wonders for me for about 6 months and like all good things, came to an end. I went back to my psychiatrist for two maintenance doses. Neither have done anything for me. Ive already been feeling hopeless for a bit now, but after this, everything looks grim.

I dont see myself having a future. It's all black, bleak, a void. I have to accept that this condition will never go away or atleast be manageable. I would rather die than accept it. My intrusive thoughts fill me with so much anger and frustration, it cannot be understated. Everyday im at the mercy of these thoughts not appearing so that my entire day and mood doesn't completely derail. I can't live like this.

My stress is actively killing me. It is causing me all sorts of health issues and draining me. If i dont kill myself, this condition will certainly kill me in the most slow and painful way possible. It would cause more shame to let myself slowly die and suffer from this condition than to just immediately ctb and get it over with.

It is so bad that i have stopped caring about the consequences of suicide. I understand i will make a lot of people sad and that I am forfeiting a life with lots of potential and opportunities. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. It is not because I am blinded by my thoughts or mental illness. It is because this condition is truly that horrible that I would rather die than deal with it.

The only thing keeping me from jumping the gun is my religious guilt and a really good friend i made recently. I don't know if God would ever forgive me for killing myself. But i am a victim to my human nature and my choices. I have made a really good friend recently too who seems to genuinely care about me. They have been very supportive. The thought of leaving them hurts me.

But i also wish that i wasn't tied to this world by people. People only want me to be alive for their selfish desires. Their happiness is tied to me and others being alive. I don't blame them, but if only they understood the pain i go through, it would give them some closure and reconciliation. I wish it was normalized to just accept the fact that some people do not desire to live and to just let go of them

 

[paranoidpeasant]

Omigoodness, I relate to this, so much!!

I don't have OCD, but I have cptsd and agoraphobia. I'm nice, people like me. People depend on me. But life looks so much worse than death, at this point.

I've spent 9 years trying to get over my agoraphobia, but I have only made it worse. All the medications!! All the therapy!! All the people who cannot or will not understand what I'm trying to explain I'm going through.

I made a ctb attempt and failed, it's totally destroyed my confidence and given me unbearable paranoia (a symptom of brain damage, I think).

I wish I could help you. I get a lot out of helping people, a feeling of power and control. But I can't even help myself.