NSFW I don't think there's redemption for me

[Buh-bye!]

Trigger warning- Curses and Sexual stuff

I keep fucking things up. I am already at the very bottom of my life at a very important year of life, when I am 19. I fucked this year up. I fucked my body, my academics, my career, my looks, my social life. I am so fucking angered with how everything keeps getting worse. I try! I fucking try but it's literally survival of the fittest out there unless you're okay with living like an insect.

Present day- I masturbated twice in a row. Fuck that was insanely taxing on my body. It might not have been a week since I last did it. Everytime I do it, my body worsens. My chest goes invisible and there's man boobs. My fucking height goes down 2 or something inches. My face bloats. My voice goes fucked up. All of this for some days.

Things were getting better! I was starting to go out and meet people, I met people today as well. I am going to meet people again after 20. I am scared now. I fucked my body up, I won't recover that well in 5 days. I keep making a mess out of myself. I won't ever be ready to go outside. I won't ever be like I used to be. People judge me and make fun of me for doing this to myself. There is not one good thing that this entire ordeal has gifted me.

I just, want to keep trying. I am not killing myself.

 

[JoeFailure]

You're still only 19. Try being 40 like me and having no career.

You can do this, don't worry about comparing with everyone else. Take small steps to make things better.

 

[Buh-bye!]

You're still only 19. Try being 40 like me and having no career.

You can do this, don't worry about comparing with everyone else. Take small steps to make things better.

I really want to thank you for saying that, it felt really positive. Also, It felt upsetting to hear about your situation and I wish you luck with things ahead.

I'll just keep making efforts and try not to compare myself as much.

 

[JoeFailure]

I really want to thank you for saying that, it felt really positive. Also, It felt upsetting to hear about your situation and I wish you luck with things ahead.

I'll just keep making efforts and try not to compare myself as much.

Thank you for saying that, I probably have either a really tough road ahead or might have to end it but I appreciate your sympathy.

If you haven't already, you're young enough to think about the things you enjoy doing and really pursue it. And just remember you haven't fucked anything up, you're too young to have fucked anything up. I'm not saying to just sit back and do nothing, but try to be calm and just keep taking steps.

You can build a really great life for yourself even if you think you're in a bad place right now. I learned some of these things late in life, possibly too late, but one thing that even helped me take small steps when things feel unbearable is just knowing that if you do some things that are tough now or even that you don't want to do, your future self will absolutely love you for it. It's easier said than done but it makes a lot of sense and starts working if you put it into practice.

The world is still your oyster. Fuck what other people think and get after what you want, it's all there for you if you want it.

 

[Buh-bye!]

Thank you so much for saying those things and reassuring me about the stuffs that I needed to be reassured of. I can't tell you in words how happy I felt over reading this because it's like literal validation of my thoughts that are in relation to working forward instead of holding on to the spiral of hopelessness and pessimism. Any procrastination hurts right now, but I don't feel like just jumping into things at the moment. I'll see when I'll start working, if'll start working.
Also, I know I am not in the place to give out advice right now but you wrote that you've learnt a lot by now, which means maybe you can redo things with a higher chance of getting them right this time?
The way you wrote about life and everything around, filled a guy like me, with temporary hope! So I can only imagine how much hopeful you could be yourself!
I wish you so much luck ahead mate.
Thanks for taking the time to write. I bookmarked your reply.