Venting I don't see any other way out.

[luma]

What the title says. I think I had my final straw today. I've been struggling for a long time, but there was a hope that I clung onto, and it was destroyed.

I've been wanting to leave this world because I simply cannot function in this society. The thought of needing a job to survive hurts. I don't care how pathetic it sounds--I sincerely would rather die than work a job that I hate. I have a few passions, but they're all art-related. It'd be too risky to pursue any of them as a career, and I don't want to leech off of anyone for money. Plus, turning any of them into a job would likely kill my passion for it. I don't dream of labor. My biggest goal in life has always been to find love. I know that's unhealthy, but I can't change such a deeply-rooted desire. I've tried to work on myself, find other things to dream about, but nothing has come close to the fulfilling feeling of being in love. For me, the pain of life would be worth suffering through if it meant I had someone by my side.

I was pretty much set on ending my life this summer (as in, I decided I was going to do it at some point). I thought nothing would change my mind, but I met someone out of nowhere and I started to like them, and I found a glimmer of hope. At first, I actually tried to reject this hope because I didn't want anything getting in the way of me wanting to CTB. That didn't work though, and when I started to feel a little happier, I clung onto that hope for dear life. I knew I shouldn't have, but there was nothing else keeping me here.

They told me they liked me last night, and I was ecstatic. The only problem is that they live 3 hours away, which might not seem terribly far, but neither of us own a car. Long distance has never been a problem for me, but they don't feel the same. Regardless, we thought we would just live in the moment for that night. We cuddled, and it was lovely, but I couldn't stop thinking about them leaving the next morning. When they finally did leave, reality sunk in, and I immediately started crying. It felt like a dream come true until it didn't. It was the hardest I've cried in a long while, but it wasn't only about this specific situation. It was just the last straw.

Anyway, I don't think I want to stay here much longer. There's a part of me that wants to stay though--I still want to find love like I always wanted, but I just don't seem to care enough about living if I'm not experiencing love in the present. I can't find the courage to keep going. If anyone has any words of advice or comfort, please let me know. I think I really need that right now. If not, that's fine too. Thanks for reading my silly little rant <3

 

[bipolar22]

I can fully relate. Never had a full time job for longer than a few weeks. I hate repetitive jobs and could never live having one. I always wanted to be a doctor or psychologist, something thays interesting and challenging but the school system also isnt for me.

I was preparing to die and had attempts. Then i met my gf. Long distance- think Canada and me in germnay. So i pulled myself together, stopped drinking and we moved together. I still dont work. I cant due to illness. But i take care of the house and cook and clean. So I dont feel like a leech, I contribute and my gf is actually happy to be able to provide.

What im saying is dont believe the "poeple who dont earn money are leeching " sentiment they try to indoctrinated us with. Now youre 3 hoirs away that already is a huge plus.

Of course its all your choice and we cant give you advice becude we aren't in youre shoes and experience youre specific struggles. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have a lifeline there, more than that. A possible future which includes living a love you might enjoy if youre willing to accommodate by moving - or him. Don't let the feeling of that youre a leech keep you from going for it because its indoctrination by society and should hold no weight over you.
This isnt dome motivation speech this is just what happened to me.
If you decide its all not worth it, thats perfectly valued as well

 

[luma]

Thanks for sharing your story! It actually made me feel a lot better, and I'm sincerely really happy for you. That's pretty much my dream life, and I hope I can achieve the same thing as you.

What im saying is dont believe the "poeple who dont earn money are leeching " sentiment they try to indoctrinated us with.

Don't let the feeling of that youre a leech keep you from going for it because its indoctrination by society and should hold no weight over you.

It's really comforting to hear this, thank you <3 I agree with you, but I guess I'm just particularly hard on myself. Right now, my parents are supporting me financially, and I realize that's normal, but I feel like a burden regardless. I'm afraid that they feel the same too. Also, if I do get into a relationship where I'm financially dependent on that person, I'm worried that if things don't work out, I would basically have no money to support myself.

Of course its all your choice and we cant give you advice becude we aren't in youre shoes and experience youre specific struggles. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have a lifeline there, more than that. A possible future which includes living a love you might enjoy if youre willing to accommodate by moving - or him.

Unfortunately, we've only really known each other for a month so we're not close enough to warrant moving. I would totally do that for someone I've known and loved for a long time though. But even if we knew each other better, I don't think they would feel comfortable with the idea of me doing that. Dropping out of college and living like you do would be a dream come true lol, but they would probably see it as me essentially giving up my life for them :(

 

[plzoffme]

Life would be different if we worked to actually build something meaningful. I always thought about how it would be nice to live in a small village, it may not have first world luxuries but at least my work would feel meaningful. In todays society we are all owned by huge corporations who do not give a fuck about you. The work if it be
retail or a 6 figure position, you are still owned. You have to work 5 days a week, get a few vacation days a year and can't escape the cage for long. its a sad part of reality. This is one of the main reasons I am going to CTB. I refused to be owned like a pawn and for what? What do you get in the end? Old age and regret.

 

[bipolar22]

Unfortunately, we've only really known each other for a month so we're not close enough to warrant moving

Well that changes things. 1 month is not enough to build trust and understanding. So give it some time. 1 year at least. Before doing anything drastic like moving and giving up parts of your own life. I was long distances for more than 1 year with months long visits in-between. The thing with me and my is we got very close and it felt like we were one team from the beginning. Her money was "our" money from the start and things like that. It was rare and frankly lucky. You need to start building trust and visit as much as possible. I have bpd and my gf has dpd so we were glued for life from the start. It will be much harder for you 2 to build this unconditional commitment that came so natural to us. Anyway visit him and start building trust and connection. And maybe eventually he will peovide for you financially in your art endeavors. And forget about that burden leech thing. You're parents knew what they signed up for having children. Thats just my opinion and I might be wrong and I might be a leech myself . Doesnt bother me. My girl is happy to provide and her job is chill moslty and she enjoys doing it.