Venting i don’t know why im here or my purpose

[afka]

I just don't get why I'm here. I wake up every morning asking myself this. I'm a complete useless being of a human and don't contribute to anything. I can't do anything right, can't make anyone happy, can't make myself happy, jobless, not in school, can't bring myself to do anything for a living. My whole family complains about me being lazy when I genuinely cannot bring myself to do anything. And even when I do, they still complain that I didn't do it right. I hate myself and so do others. I complain about being isolated, but even in social situations I am very avoidant and keep to myself. I don't understand why I even still complain about being alone yet self-sabotage. I have very few friends and have hung out with them occasionally only to find the social situations unbearable and leave home early to, you guessed it (my landfill mess of a room to complain about how isolated I am online again). I don't know why I avoid every single thing in my life. Why am I so avoidant and careless? As far as taking my own life, trust me, I've tried. I tried overdosing a couple of times but the most it's done is make me shake, and I wake up the next morning. I've also tried other methods, such as hanging myself, but I tested how it would feel before kicking the chair and found it to be too painful. I'm so pathetic even something as taking my own life to free myself from this miserable life is something I cannot do. Pussy I truly am

 

[tonicer]

Welcome to the club buddy.

I feel the exact same. I studied and am searching for a job but nobody is hiring me. I soon turn 43 and have achieved nothing except my Computer Science degree which does nothing for me. Wasted years and wasted nerves learning all that stuff. I love computer shit but no IT company wants me for some reason. I guess it's my ugly face or maybe they can see my curse?! I am going to jump of a skyscraper after my parents are gone. I can't do it while they are still around because they were always fair to me and my mother even loves me. I could never overdose or hang myself but i think i could jump. Just close my eyes and jump forward into nothingness. I however want to make sure i don't land on someone else or close to someone else and traumatize them. This curse cannot jump to another person.

 

[egyptian_baddie]

Nothing about what you just wrote sounds like "useless" or "pathetic." It sounds like someone who is severely depressed, avoidantand exhausted.When you say you "can't bring yourself to do anything" that's not laziness. Laziness is "I don't feel like it." What you're describing is paralysis. What you are describing is not a character flaw , that's a nervous system that's fried.
I am also in a similar avoidance situation where
I avoid social situations → because i feel inadequate.
I leave early → because my brain is scanning for rejection.
I go home → because it's the only place where i can be depressed wth mysekf.
Then i feel lonely → because isolation hurts.
It feels like my anxiety and shame ade playing ping pong.