I, 21 year old guy, am not sure how to have my mother taken care of if I were to pass away. I have deformity in the face, bad height, etc, I cannot go outside without having a fight, and I'm in the US. I can't go outside without being taken advantaged of or feel weak, I'm cognitively not there as well. Been like this for years, and I missed way too much milestones in my life. I feel like it's a crime for me to exist, for my mother to give birth to me, but suicide itself isn't easy for me, I never made a decision as big as this in my life, and, I also know that my mother would suffer more immensely. She has no one, no husband, not much of a family, is susceptible easily to suffering if I were to be gone, and I am suppose to help her be financially well, but I couldn't even do that now, I can barely properly take care of myself, and even then my body failed me and is currently failing me, no doctor can help me or wants to, I feel like I'm in locked in syndrome, maybe that's how being retarded is like, sorry for the language. I'm just.. I'm not going to rush it, I was luckily never impulsive, or else I may end up a cripple instead of being dead, but everyday is just, it's brutal, I can't go out for a fucking grocery shopping now. And I don't want a pity party, but I genuinely don't know what to do, nothing I do is right, sleeping isn't right, eating isn't right, fucking nothing. This mismatch I have in life, it's not even just physical, but.. I can't even fucking describe it, but I'm not a human being, I don't know what I am, and thinking back of every time I've been wronged, I just wish I traumatized them.. fuck them. I already lost, the fact that I think like this means I am done. There's no fighting, I am what I am, I didn't choose to be this, I didn't choose any of this, I didn't choose not to be a gift to the world. I don't have what it takes not to be a mismatch in life, and not to harm others, but again, I can't just die, I have my mother, and I have the possibility of failing to worry about. So by the age of what, 40, I will probably be a fat fucking bitch who's an alcoholic like some people I know, it's the course of life, or I will just be a cuck and a bitch thinking life is okay, I don't want any of this shit.. sorry for typing all of that, kind of feels good honestly.. I will have to think of what to do, next year or in two years at max
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