I contacted the police yesterday regarding a situation that I got myself in over the last two months, that has got dangerously out of hand.
I met someone, a man, who I met online in July. He reached out to me at a time I was struggling immensely with my mental health.
After a couple of weeks talking online, we exchanged numbers and started talking weekly, then several times a week.
It was innocent at first. I expressed how I was feeling and my plans to ctb. He seemed to understand completely where I was coming from and respected my right to kill myself.
By August this man wanted to meet but I was not so sure. He said he had N and for a good price, he could give it to me and be with me when I took it so I wasn't on my own when I passed.
N was never something that I was considering as a method but I thought that maybe this was a 'sign'.
I traveled by train 12th Sept to where this man lived. He had already booked a hotel. Once we got to the hotel I was feeling even more unsure of my decision but felt like I couldn't get out of it.
The man said he would hold my hand, while I took N and peacefully passed away.
I told him I wasn't sure about my decision to take N with him. He kept telling me that it was the right decision to make because I would no longer be suffering and he just wanted to take my mental pain away.
I knew I needed to get out of there but couldn't think of a reason how I could leave the hotel and him.
So I said the first thing that came to my mind. I told him I didn't have the whole amount of money that was agreed for the N. We had agreed on £400. I told him I only had £200. I was hoping that this would be a deal breaker and he would say that the deal was off and that would be that. This was not to be the case.
He said that he really liked me and that we could come to another arrangement, whereby I would have sex with him.
This was something that I didn't want to do but I did it anyway. Afterwards I had a shower and cane back in the room. He expected a repeat but I said because I was tried.
I told him again that I didn't want to got through with this. He went silent and I noticed the look of anger on his face. He was doing his best to keep it contained. He said I have not played by his rules and he was only looking out for me and wanted to help me in ways that only he could. He told me my life would not get any better and he wanted to put me out of my misery.
By morning (I had hardly slept) I got myself ready and asked him if he would take me to the train station, which he grudgingly agreed to. I traveled to London to stay with a friend until Saturday.
I left with 2-bottles of N.
Once I returned home, the man kept bombarding me with phone calls and voice notes, begging me to speak with him. He wanted me to FaceTime when I took N. I ignored him after this for several days. Last week he sent me a message with the words, 'watch this video'. I did and quickly realised that it was a video of him having sex with me in the hotel room. I deleted it immediately. He phone me back that evening and I answered. He said did I like what I watched. I didn't have the words to express how I was feeling.
I ended the call. He began phoning constantly for the next few days. He messaged me and said I didn't follow his rules and that if I didn't speak to him right now then he would upload the video onto social media for everyone to see.
He didn't know where I lived, only the city and he didn't know my full name, but he started sending me messages about places right near my home. I kept thinking, 'how does he know that?' I head was frazzled. He later sent me another message telling me to check my purse, which I did. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I thought maybe he had put something in my purse, but what was it?
I soon realised that my driving licence was missing. I messaged and asked him if he stole my driving licence, he sniggered and said yes, 'i know where you live now', and hung up.
Since then he continues to phone me and leaving voice notes saying he was near my house and he is going to drop by. He keeps saying that I should have followed his rules.
I've got rid of the N.
I know I caused this but I want it to stop but I just can't bare going to the police. I was encouraged to contact the police by mental health services. They said yesterday that they could contact the police themselves.
I feel sick to my stomach.
is it that simple to tell the police today that I don't want to discus matter and take it any further?
If you have managed to get this far, thanks, and sorry for the essay.
I met someone, a man, who I met online in July. He reached out to me at a time I was struggling immensely with my mental health.
After a couple of weeks talking online, we exchanged numbers and started talking weekly, then several times a week.
It was innocent at first. I expressed how I was feeling and my plans to ctb. He seemed to understand completely where I was coming from and respected my right to kill myself.
By August this man wanted to meet but I was not so sure. He said he had N and for a good price, he could give it to me and be with me when I took it so I wasn't on my own when I passed.
N was never something that I was considering as a method but I thought that maybe this was a 'sign'.
I traveled by train 12th Sept to where this man lived. He had already booked a hotel. Once we got to the hotel I was feeling even more unsure of my decision but felt like I couldn't get out of it.
The man said he would hold my hand, while I took N and peacefully passed away.
I told him I wasn't sure about my decision to take N with him. He kept telling me that it was the right decision to make because I would no longer be suffering and he just wanted to take my mental pain away.
I knew I needed to get out of there but couldn't think of a reason how I could leave the hotel and him.
So I said the first thing that came to my mind. I told him I didn't have the whole amount of money that was agreed for the N. We had agreed on £400. I told him I only had £200. I was hoping that this would be a deal breaker and he would say that the deal was off and that would be that. This was not to be the case.
He said that he really liked me and that we could come to another arrangement, whereby I would have sex with him.
This was something that I didn't want to do but I did it anyway. Afterwards I had a shower and cane back in the room. He expected a repeat but I said because I was tried.
I told him again that I didn't want to got through with this. He went silent and I noticed the look of anger on his face. He was doing his best to keep it contained. He said I have not played by his rules and he was only looking out for me and wanted to help me in ways that only he could. He told me my life would not get any better and he wanted to put me out of my misery.
By morning (I had hardly slept) I got myself ready and asked him if he would take me to the train station, which he grudgingly agreed to. I traveled to London to stay with a friend until Saturday.
I left with 2-bottles of N.
Once I returned home, the man kept bombarding me with phone calls and voice notes, begging me to speak with him. He wanted me to FaceTime when I took N. I ignored him after this for several days. Last week he sent me a message with the words, 'watch this video'. I did and quickly realised that it was a video of him having sex with me in the hotel room. I deleted it immediately. He phone me back that evening and I answered. He said did I like what I watched. I didn't have the words to express how I was feeling.
I ended the call. He began phoning constantly for the next few days. He messaged me and said I didn't follow his rules and that if I didn't speak to him right now then he would upload the video onto social media for everyone to see.
He didn't know where I lived, only the city and he didn't know my full name, but he started sending me messages about places right near my home. I kept thinking, 'how does he know that?' I head was frazzled. He later sent me another message telling me to check my purse, which I did. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I thought maybe he had put something in my purse, but what was it?
I soon realised that my driving licence was missing. I messaged and asked him if he stole my driving licence, he sniggered and said yes, 'i know where you live now', and hung up.
Since then he continues to phone me and leaving voice notes saying he was near my house and he is going to drop by. He keeps saying that I should have followed his rules.
I've got rid of the N.
I know I caused this but I want it to stop but I just can't bare going to the police. I was encouraged to contact the police by mental health services. They said yesterday that they could contact the police themselves.
I feel sick to my stomach.
is it that simple to tell the police today that I don't want to discus matter and take it any further?
If you have managed to get this far, thanks, and sorry for the essay.
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