I dont know what to do anymore.

[Lou_Charthethird]

i physically cannot feel anything at all. Any push or pull to certain interests or disinterests, even the ones ive had before this happened. I cant feel fear or urges or anxiety or complex depression, i cant feel hope or comfort or assurance or confidence or pure happiness . I wouldn't even know what they would feel like, i have been fully sapped of any emotion. This came during my formative years, all of highschool, i spent it like this. I couldnt form a personality or a understanding of myself during the years i needed to, instead i did the opposite. Im now supposed to go to college but in order to do it, i need to know what I want. And i have no clue what that is. So im stuck like this for whats been over 4 years now, so removed from any form of sentimentality and empathy, and now im going to make decisions for myself that im incapable of truly enjoying. I dont know how to fix this, i dont even know what this is, and i just want to die. I know that if i were to "fix" this, i would be a incredibly depressed, thats why my body is doing this, to hide myself from myself. But there is no right answer, this isnt helping, and i cant kill myself because i dont know how. The night night method is so confusing to pull off and i cant find any more accessible method. Im stuck in this limbo and its ruined any chance i couldve had with determining what to do with my life.

 

[An Empty Soul]

I understand the immense emptiness you're feeling right now, and your inability to hold onto any emotions. When you say, "My body is doing this to hide me from myself," you've actually diagnosed the situation so accurately... This isn't your fault or a part of your personality; it's an emergency mode your mind is using to protect you from severe trauma or depression.

Spending your high school years like this, feeling like you haven't built a "self," is a heavy burden. But you should know this: that personality hasn't disappeared, it's just locked away under that protective shield. It's perfectly normal that you can't make decisions about college or your future right now; because you can't make plans for "living" when the system is in "survival" mode.

Seeking "night night" (SN) or other methods is actually a result of the deep exhaustion you feel from this uncertainty and numbness. But it's not a solution. This state of "numbness" isn't permanent; with the right professional support, and once your brain chemistry is balanced, those emotions can slowly and safely return.

Please, just stop searching for that 'method' tonight. The fact that you can't kill yourself isn't 'incompetence,' it's proof your body is still fighting for you. Come on, don't try to 'fix' this situation alone. A psychiatrist or therapist can help you gently lower that shield together, without upsetting you.