COP2CON
Student
- Nov 29, 2025
- 112
Rant/story/whatever.
Ive had mental health problems and strong suicidal thoughts since I was 10 years old ,daily. Dealt with it all my life and constantly struggled to get the upper hand. I can remember the exact moment I knew I wasn't going to ever be OK again. Years ago COP2CON gets a call about a missing child. It takes him forever to get there from the station where he had stayed longer than he should because he was feeling lonely and just wanted a few more minutes with the ones he thought were his friends. The child is found drowned. My buddy and I did CPR and mouth to mouth for several minutes, tried a diffibulator, nothing. Child is dead. I was messed up but in a sort of limbo. Like maybe I could snap out of it or maybe I wouldn't. It lasted about a month until I happened to go to a business for something. I forgot the mom worked there and by cruel fate, she ended up helping me. She actually thanked me for not being able to save her kid. I started crying right there like an idiot. Its like I felt the shaky ground underneath me give way and I knew I'd never come back to the light again, just fall further into the abyss. Chances are I never would have been near the incident location anyway but I never gave that kid a chance because I felt bad and selfishly wanted to be around the ones I thought loved me. After that everything my mind had delicately balanced came crashing down and all that I had done and seen suddenly haunted me. All the blood and death and anger and sadness and pain that I had witnessed came back even though I thought I had gotten over each incident.
Fast forward to this week in shitty prison, a guy tried to kill himself. Being forced to work as an orderly in our building, I had to go clean his cell. He lost a couple pints of blood and his floor was covered. I had to walk into his blood puddle to set up the stuff I was going to use to clean it. That's when the smell hit me. Human blood in large amounts has a unique smell that to me is different than a butchers shop. Immediately my mind went back to the first time I smelled it on a double suicide scene. The fear and panic I felt was indescribable and it happens regularly for me as it seems everything triggers me now. People are dead because of me. I killed a guy, a couple others I know about committed suicide because of me years ago, people died on calls because I couldn't save them. I see ghosts whenever i close my eyes.And its weird what you remember like I perfectly remember the taste and how cold the water was coming out of the drowned child's mouth when I went to do rescue breathing. The smell of several day old decomposing body. The look in a guys eyes as he died under me as(not a police brutality thing, some people fight like hell in the last moments before death) I held him down in the back of the ambulance because he was shot and fighting the paramedics. Things I know I can never make go away like my brain is too far broken.
There's other stuff, more recent stuff, that I can't talk about with anyone because no one IRL cares and I'm terrified someone here will figure out who I am and call the prison system. Things no one should every have to see or hear or figure out. Because of all this, I used to have good days and bad. Now its almost all bad and I find I can't post here, am afraid to talk to people because I know I'll screw up in something I say, and am generally off putting. Today I lost a friend because I probably weirded them out but have been unable to talk to them or really anyone lately because so much is going on and I want so desperately to let it out but know it would be wrong of me to put it all on someone else. I came here because I wanted to try to maybe say things to some that no he ever said to me but can't because of this horrible social anxiety. I haven't responded to messages because I'm afraid of saying something to offend or making someone hate me and because I feel panicked every time I try. But after the blood the other day, I realized that no matter what happens in my life I'm not going to be OK. First the smell and then having to pick up a handful of coagulated blood because I couldn't get it to dissolve in the water they give us but call it bleach. So maybe its a good thing I can't seem to talk to anyone and am becoming reclusive.
This is kind of all over the place and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry to those I've offended, those I've weirded out, and those I've failed here. It was honestly really selfish of me to talk to any of you knowing how bad off I am. I just can't seem to organize what to say or the right way to say any of it. I wanted to put this out there to see if I got that "release" from sharing and maybe it would help my brain reboot. I'm honestly scared and kind know where its all going to lead to. People are mean BTW.
I'm sorry for the rambling just felt I had to. Been wanting to for while. Maybe my crazy helps someone else somehow in some messed up turn of events.
Ive had mental health problems and strong suicidal thoughts since I was 10 years old ,daily. Dealt with it all my life and constantly struggled to get the upper hand. I can remember the exact moment I knew I wasn't going to ever be OK again. Years ago COP2CON gets a call about a missing child. It takes him forever to get there from the station where he had stayed longer than he should because he was feeling lonely and just wanted a few more minutes with the ones he thought were his friends. The child is found drowned. My buddy and I did CPR and mouth to mouth for several minutes, tried a diffibulator, nothing. Child is dead. I was messed up but in a sort of limbo. Like maybe I could snap out of it or maybe I wouldn't. It lasted about a month until I happened to go to a business for something. I forgot the mom worked there and by cruel fate, she ended up helping me. She actually thanked me for not being able to save her kid. I started crying right there like an idiot. Its like I felt the shaky ground underneath me give way and I knew I'd never come back to the light again, just fall further into the abyss. Chances are I never would have been near the incident location anyway but I never gave that kid a chance because I felt bad and selfishly wanted to be around the ones I thought loved me. After that everything my mind had delicately balanced came crashing down and all that I had done and seen suddenly haunted me. All the blood and death and anger and sadness and pain that I had witnessed came back even though I thought I had gotten over each incident.
Fast forward to this week in shitty prison, a guy tried to kill himself. Being forced to work as an orderly in our building, I had to go clean his cell. He lost a couple pints of blood and his floor was covered. I had to walk into his blood puddle to set up the stuff I was going to use to clean it. That's when the smell hit me. Human blood in large amounts has a unique smell that to me is different than a butchers shop. Immediately my mind went back to the first time I smelled it on a double suicide scene. The fear and panic I felt was indescribable and it happens regularly for me as it seems everything triggers me now. People are dead because of me. I killed a guy, a couple others I know about committed suicide because of me years ago, people died on calls because I couldn't save them. I see ghosts whenever i close my eyes.And its weird what you remember like I perfectly remember the taste and how cold the water was coming out of the drowned child's mouth when I went to do rescue breathing. The smell of several day old decomposing body. The look in a guys eyes as he died under me as(not a police brutality thing, some people fight like hell in the last moments before death) I held him down in the back of the ambulance because he was shot and fighting the paramedics. Things I know I can never make go away like my brain is too far broken.
There's other stuff, more recent stuff, that I can't talk about with anyone because no one IRL cares and I'm terrified someone here will figure out who I am and call the prison system. Things no one should every have to see or hear or figure out. Because of all this, I used to have good days and bad. Now its almost all bad and I find I can't post here, am afraid to talk to people because I know I'll screw up in something I say, and am generally off putting. Today I lost a friend because I probably weirded them out but have been unable to talk to them or really anyone lately because so much is going on and I want so desperately to let it out but know it would be wrong of me to put it all on someone else. I came here because I wanted to try to maybe say things to some that no he ever said to me but can't because of this horrible social anxiety. I haven't responded to messages because I'm afraid of saying something to offend or making someone hate me and because I feel panicked every time I try. But after the blood the other day, I realized that no matter what happens in my life I'm not going to be OK. First the smell and then having to pick up a handful of coagulated blood because I couldn't get it to dissolve in the water they give us but call it bleach. So maybe its a good thing I can't seem to talk to anyone and am becoming reclusive.
This is kind of all over the place and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry to those I've offended, those I've weirded out, and those I've failed here. It was honestly really selfish of me to talk to any of you knowing how bad off I am. I just can't seem to organize what to say or the right way to say any of it. I wanted to put this out there to see if I got that "release" from sharing and maybe it would help my brain reboot. I'm honestly scared and kind know where its all going to lead to. People are mean BTW.
I'm sorry for the rambling just felt I had to. Been wanting to for while. Maybe my crazy helps someone else somehow in some messed up turn of events.
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