Venting I don't know what it's like to live without suicidal thoughts

[TomIsNotMyName]

I've had suicidal thoughts since late childhood (before my teenage years) and have lived with them ever since. I don't remember much of my childhood before the suicidal thoughts, only a few moments where I felt really happy. I do remember my teenage years, but I had these thoughts the entire time, so I don't know what it's like to live without them. Throughout my life I've had a few short periods (they lasted no longer than a week each) where I didn't want to commit suicide anymore, and these periods felt so wrong. I don't know how to explain it. It felt surreal, in a bad way. It's like I wanted these thoughts back, like I couldn't imagine living like everybody else. And if my suicidal thoughts were to go away once and for all (though I don't think that will ever happen), I wouldn't know how to live life, because I only know how to live life with suicidal thoughts.

Can anybody relate?

 

[violetforever]

yeah i relate a lot when i have moments where i feel ok i just let myself enjoy it bc i know it will come to an end and ill be back to my regular suicidal self. i know these thoughts arent ever gonna leave me either. i feel like i am so drawn to sadness in myself and others. almost like i find comfort in tragedy and being in despair. i think ive lived like this for so long ive gotten myself accustomed too.

 

[TheShadowQueen]

Same even as a young child I knew the world wasn't meant for me

 

[Uncounted1846]

Since the 2nd grade I've had rumblings inside that I was different from all the other kids my age. That sense has only grown with age.

For me suicidal thoughts started around 12-13 and they've been a passive part of my life ever since. I can't imagine a day without thinking about suicide in some way. I envy those who have normal jobs and normal spouses with normals lives.

 

[thelostautistic]

I can relate to this. I've had suicidal thoughts since age 12. I'm 24 now and I can't remember what it's like to not feel this way.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I've always and only wished to not exist, for me wanting to cease existing is a response to being burdened with this terrible, torturous existence I just always saw as a mistake that just causes harm and suffering, simply just existing is enough to make me wish for the peace of an eternal sleep. For me just being conscious is torture, I always find it so torturous to exist, for me wanting to cease existing is just all I know, I just want permanent peace from the torture and suffering of existing, no matter what I'll always find it so deeply undesirable to suffer in this existence.