I don't know what I'm looking for

[lyapunovxp]

I don't really want to ctb but I don't know what else to do. It feels like I ought to, and I'm terrified of what might happen if I don't. I've stopped asking friends for support and I don't trust my therapist. I guess I'm just asking for support.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Why have you stopped asking friends for support? What is your diagnosis, if I may ask?

 

[lyapunovxp]

OCD and depression. I never had many friends I felt safe asking for support anyway, and with the ones I did feel safe around, I don't want them to cut me out of their lives for always being so miserable. And I feel so pathetic when I do reach out and admit how badly I'm doing. Like, my ex is getting married, and I'm just completely stuck with no sign of being unstuck any time soon. I know you shouldn't compare yourself to others, but I don't know how not to. And I hate feeling jealous and angry, and I'm scared those feelings will get strong enough that I'll actually hurt someone, and I'd rather ctb than do that.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

What about your therapist? Talking to him might help?

 

[lyapunovxp]

I talk to my therapist weekly, but I think we're not a great fit, and I don't feel seen or understood by them. In any case, I don't feel up to trying to keep waking up anymore. I think I'm unfixable at this point. So my options are either to ctb or just languish in isolation. And the second option feels more shameful than the first. Obviously I should just stop wallowing and keep going but it doesn't feel like there's a good reason to. I don't think I'll ever love someone or be loved again. I feel so pathetic for even being here and writing this. Like I'm obviously fishing for pity and it's gross.

 

[VivaldiBR]

Why don't you change your therapist?

 

[Nymph]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Have you thought about changing your therapist? I know that's not always possible though. You can always vent in here tho:) don't rush things and take some time to figure out what exactly you wanna do

 

[Tired_Tired]

Most of people here didn't know what they are looking for. You will find your answer one day.