Venting I dont feel like I deserve to live

[caspertheghost]

I was sexually assaulted by my partner twice last week, broke up with them and have slowly been unraveling the fact that i was absolutely groomed by them while i was a minor and they were not (im 18 now but while i was 16 and 17) and cheated on by them aswell. Life has felt so numb yet so scary since. Every small mistake i make, every sound, makes me jump in terror like im being chased by a invisible monster. But in the same note life no longer has that joy and curiosity that it once did. I no longer feel driven to eat, sleep, clean.

Every mistake i make, every friend i accidentally upset makes me feel less and less deserving of living. I feel like a bad person and that im ungreatful for this life and im ungreatful for my friends. I feel like they deserve a better friend than me, that it would be better if i wasnt in the equation. Im too emotional, i cry even when im in the wrong, i put in too much effort into my friendships to the point my friends feel like their suffocating. Im not an angel.

I dont know, i just dont have that effort to be and live and survive anymore.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It just sounds like you are so beaten down. Possibly by your partner or other bullies and, now believe that you are worthless. But- you do have worth and rights. It's so sad- to me- when people are crushed like this.

I'm guessing you are perhaps overdependent on friends because you so desperately need to feel supported. Which is understandable but, tricky really. It's hard to guage though really- whether in fact you are being too overbearing towards friends or whether you are in the habit of hating yourself for any minor mistake- that they may not notice so much.