Venting I don’t even want to get help in the first place, why does it have to be so hard to get into

[willitpass]

I recently discharged from an extensive inpatient stay. I had gotten accepted into an outpatient program when I planned my discharge, but they canceled on me the day before I left. I was so burnt out and stressed out and had already planned my whole discharge, so I left anyway. I'm currently not even living near my family, but my dad has made it clear that if I don't get outpatient care, he will take me to court to get a conservatorship over me. I don't actually want to get help. It's been made so fucking clear it doesn't work for me, the past decade and a half is plenty of proof for that. And after almost a year straight of continuous intensive treatment, I'm so treatment fatigued. I'm sick of it. I've been so hurt by the system that I have no faith in it. I don't even want to be alive much less fighting so hard through all of this exhausting treatment work. And since my program canceled on me, now I have to go and hunt down all of these places to try and get in rather than have the inpatient social worker do it for me. I'm sick of having to fight so hard for a life I don't want. I hardly have the energy to be awake, god knows I don't have it in me to make phone call after phone call to try and get accepted into a treatment program. And if I do get accepted then I'm going to be having to haul myself over to appointment after appointment. I don't want to do this. I just want to die.

 

[Dayrain]

make phone call after phone call to try and get accepted into a treatment program. And if I do get accepted then I'm going to be having to haul myself over to appointment after appointment.

I truly understand this. Always having to start from "ground zero" in terms of explaining one's own medical history, everytime feels like a punishment for something which hadn't been one's own fault in the first place.