I don't even think I have a motive anymore lol

[Cauliflour]

Yeah, I'm a poser. Everyone here has like a blueprint and a plan a clear reason. Meanwhile I don't even know why the fuck I do any of the things I do anymore. I really don't belong here as yeah sure I do think about committing suicide like once a week, sometimes more but all of you guys are like actually doing it and shit with a clear "this is my problem, this is my solution". There truly is nowhere for someone like me but I probably shouldn't say that as I'm probably just an edgy little shit and using words like "unique" and "suicidal" have a lot of weight to them. I fucking hate myself but not like the bullshit reasons you see on those depression PSAs (and I'm not depressed cause I have no reason to be), I'm legitimately a shitty person. A self aware shitty person, but a shitty person nonetheless. I'm too old to say it's down to autism but I also don't want to accept that responsibility because everyone's naturally selfish. I know why I'm here and I know I don't deserve to stick around but also I want to kill myself for the hell of it, real brutal like blood everywhere but I don't deserve the feeling of getting my fix of self harm as it's too nice for me, but I feel shit if I don't cut in a long time so I just have to keep feeding into this horrible person and I wish the woman in my head was still around as she'll put things right.

People don't get it I think. I can't be honest with them because they'll start lying through their teeth about how I'm "not a bad person" when I know damn well what I am. Self love is bullshit when you have an ego in the clouds.

What am I even saying? You have better things you could be doing with your time and I've taken it to have my little white girl ramble on how i'm just so QuIrKy.

 

[pomie]

I don't think youre a poser or anything. As long as you're suicidal in some way, or were, you're welcome here is what I think. Lots of us don't have access to good suicide methods so they stick around. Some attempt, then stop at the last minute due to SI. Some just vent. I think only a small part actually goes through with ctb.

I'm not going to try and convince you you're not a bad person when I say this, but! I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're not edgy or quirky lolz eksdee. You're obviously going through SOMETHING. Being a woman, let alone an autistic woman in a world not meant for us, is already hell on earth by itself. This forum isn't a competition on who has the best plan or best reason for wanting to ctb - you need to allow yourself the comfort of knowing you're one of us :c !