Venting I don’t care about anything at all even dying.

[shadow_sunset]

I honestly feel like I can't care about anything at all. I wish I could die yes, but I can't even put enough energy into that either. I'm here thinking of ways to just die easily and of course there isn't any. Isn't it sad there isn't an easy way to die? Kinda sad if you ask me. I don't even bother to try dying I just kinda settle for self harming which I don't even go deep.

I hear about people doing it and being successful and I just feel jealous. I'm like they're so brave must be nice. Or I hear about people being successful in their life and I'm like wow must be nice to be talented.

But yet I'm here not even living not really trying to die. How much of a failure I am. Wish I could choose and just do something at least.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I find it more horrifying- if I'm honest. Like a rat caught live in a trap. Sometimes I panic that I might not be able to leave. How bad will things get while still not being able to leave?

I do have SN, although- that's not exactly a guarantee of death or- a painless death. It's something I suppose. I wanted to feel I had an option at least ready. (I'm waiting for my Dad to go first.) But still- it doesn't feel all together reassuring.

That's the shitty reality though. I think dying will end up taking just as much risk and effort as living.