Venting i can't think of any methods to do at home. waiting is worse than death

[monetpompo]

i'm laying in bed after sleeping all afternoon. i don't care about eating or moving or going outside, because i think i just want to do whatever kills me the fastest instead of try to prolong my life through entertainment or nourishment. i'm completely alone. there's no one i can ask for help and no one i can talk to. i'm on here because i realized how bad it feels to be alone.

i'm not happy, so i should be dead, but i'm still alive and i've been unhappy for a long time at this point while other people are happier than me. i fantasize a lot about the moment i'll finally drop dead, even if it's painful, scary, or i regret it immediately. i can't seem to go through with hanging even though that's what i planned on doing this whole time. i'm just too much of a coward, but all the other methods i have "access to" right now could just put me in the hospital and then into the ward. i think about suicide and stabbing myself in the chest pretty much every day because i feel like i have nothing left to live for. everyone's happy and found their reasons to live, or they like being alive enough to not kill themselves, while i'm still suffering in the same place.

i'm worthless. i know that i am. i know that i should drop dead if all i can manage to do is lay in bed and stare at my phone. i want to buy benadryl from the grocery store so i sleep more. i can't admit to anyone that i'd rather be laying in bed like a comatose person than doing anything else with my day. no one will care if i keep acting like this and nothing will happen. another day will just pass me by and no one will think of me, because it's depressing to think about me. i'm alone all the time with no aspirations and no way to leave the house.

i wish i was dead, in the military, or a prostitute, because at least my lifeless body would be worth something if i was working for someone else. at one point i really wanted to do sex work, because i was so desperate to save money to leave my house, but i realized i'm not smart enough to figure it out. i don't think i'm smart enough to go into the military either, but i know i can still buy the asvab for dummies book. being born a girl makes people think my life is easy but i just feel more worthless that people go easier on me because they think i'm too weak and feminine. being trans makes no difference, it just adds to people not understanding me. i feel like no one can grasp how alone i feel on a daily basis. i have nothing. i wake up and i see that no one has sent me any new messages, and i deserve that, because i have nothing good to say to anyone. i'm not alive for any reason. i'm just alive because i'm still breathing. i think my friends and my family will only care about me once i'm dead. if i'm so conceited that i make everything about myself and how i feel then i really should kill myself. i feel like chewing my arms and legs off like a dog.

the only way i can get through this is if i kill myself or make some sort of effort to get better. i feel like killing myself because that's what i've wanted and planned to do for so long. i think i'll stab myself in the eye if i'm still alive in january. it's hard to bear with the urges and the flashes in my head of the things i can do to myself. i want people to feel bad for me and tell me nice things, but i think they'll just think i'm crazy when they hear about me mutilating myself. saying these things makes me wish i had the courage to do anything at all.

i feel like my brain's completely reverted to the way i thought about the world in high school. i feel detached from everyone around me and all i can do is stare at my phone, hoping someone talks to me because i feel like such a useless person. i know that i'm never going to be the kind of person people keep around for a long time. it gets hard to be around me when all i want to do is hurt myself or sleep. i start dissociating when people ask me what i do in my free time because i literally do nothing besides wish that people would talk to me. i'm completely primed for codependent and toxic relationships. i'll fall apart if people stay with me or leave me.

 

[monetpompo]

i'm tortured by the idea that my friends may feel relieved by my death if i finally find the courage to do it. i don't want to keep burdening them with my depression or worrying them by talking about suicide. i kind of have 0 plans to get better. i'm anxious to get my driver's license because i just want to drive to a bridge or beach to off myself immediately. i want to hurt myself or do an attempt so badly. i don't want to be here anymore and i don't want people to think i'm "okay" when i just haven't killed myself yet. i want people to think my depression is real. i'm so tired. i'm sick of waking up. i've been in crisis these past few days and i don't know what to do with myself because i don't want to get sent to a ward for saying that i have suicidal thoughts or having a mental breakdown in public. i feel like no one in my life cares about me and i don't care about myself.

these feelings are real even if they're temporary because they're hurting me every day and make it hard to have the will to do anything. i'm sick of seeing posts or comments online of people being in relationships because i feel like i can't confide in a single friend anymore. i want to pay someone to tear me apart limb from limb or to punch me until i become unconscious. i want to be wanted by someone, even if they kill me. i can't stand this tightness in my chest. i want someone to take their anger out on someone pathetic like me and throw me away so that i can feel useful again. i feel like a corpse walking around. people keep wanting to dismiss the way i feel just because i'm young. i don't care that i'm young because i feel like my life is only going to get worse.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I would not go easy on you for being feminine, I would go easy on you because we all deserve to be treated with care and respect.
People go easy on you because they don't see you as an equal, I think that's unfortunately the truth and the world we live in.
Me and my plushies are sending hugs.

I would talk with you but I don't know if our time zones are even close to eachother and I fixed my sleep schedule about 2-3 months ago so I don't go to sleep in the middle of the day anymore:/

 

[Terrible_Life]

I'm so sorry this all sounds so sad:(

I wish we humans would have an on/off button and end this all whenever we want:(

 

[monetpompo]

every day is still tiring. i wrote this post on tuesday and i can't remember anything about tuesday. i feel like i'm going crazy. the only record i have of what i do on a day to day basis is my photo app. i spend most of my day on my phone or in bed unless i have a reason to go outside. i don't have enough interest in anything right now to pick anything up. i could pick up piano lessons next month but i plan to die in december, so i think it'd just be a waste of money in the end.

it feels like the only thing i have left to look forward to in my life anymore is my license, because it'll bring me closer to suicide. but i can't work on it any faster. i'm trying to do 2 lessons a week with a friend, but i think that i might kill myself before i get a license if it takes me too long. i just want to be dead. i realized yesterday night that no matter how my day goes i'm always going to feel like a fuck up, because for my whole life i've relied completely on my family and have no real responsibilities of my own. i've never struggled once in my life. my life is just easy and no one thinks i should be suicidal because if i'm not going through something "hard enough". if i got cancer, would i be allowed to kill myself? if my dad died, would i be allowed to kill myself? if i broke both my legs by laying in the road, would i be allowed to kill myself? when will someone care about how much suffering i have to be in to want to die every day? every day, i feel the same and just think about much i think i legitimately deserve to die, because i don't contribute anything to anyone's lives and i don't have a life of my own. i have no life because my parents didn't give me the freedom to have a life.

if i got my license in high school, i think that i would've killed myself years before joining sasu. i thought about dying constantly, but i still believed in the healthcare system back then so i asked my psychiatrist to take me to a ward. now it's like, i should kill myself before i have the chance to go to the ward again, because it's too expensive. it is genuinely more expensive to be suicidally depressed in texas than it is to be dead. i'm nonfunctioning. i'm a waste of money. i feel like a disappointment all of the time, because i am one. the only thing i can do is try not to embarrass myself.

none of my friends want to hear about me wanting to kill myself anymore. i don't want to hear about it anymore either. it's tiring to always be like this. whenever i think about how my death won't really change people's lives but might make it better because i'll stop burdening them with my insecurity and jealousy, i just think about how i should drop dead on the spot. i keep thinking that i'm a terrible person for saying that i would kill myself and then dragging out the situation even longer. my thoughts just keep looping in my head over and over and i know no one cares because i've been depressed for 6 months and everything about me is still the same. i didn't get a job, new hobbies, or new friends. i have just been sitting here rotting and sleeping. i'll never be depressed enough for anyone. i want to be lazy and suicidal until i die.