I met someone on here a few months ago, and talking to them quickly became the highlight of my day. I hadn't left my house in weeks, but I would always feel excited to spend time with them.
It became an obsession, and she slowly became my entire source of happiness. It got to the point where I was genuinely trying to change my life and get better. More than anything, I just wanted to see her happy.I hated myself so much that the only way I knew how to feel loved was through acts of service,through doing things for her and seeing her smile.
A few days ago I got really messed up on benzos and some other medications, and I ended up saying horrible things and lashing out at her. I honestly don't remember most of it. It feels like I blacked out for two days. Now I'm blocked everywhere, and not being able to reach out or apologise to her feels agonising. I can't even put into words how much she meant to me, it wasn't just love. She was the gentlest person I'd ever met. Around her, I felt at ease. I felt peaceful.
I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, maybe since I was 19. But this is the worst it's ever been. I feel reckless and impulsive. I sent countless emails and messages, but none of them reached her.And as pathetic as it sounds, I feel like I'm falling apart over someone who probably barely thinks about me anymore.
Even crying doesn't comfort me anymore. The thought of dying scares me. I have my unsealed SN pack in front of me, it's like a small brick, honestly you could kill someone with it.
I am sorry for all the things I have said. I promise I do not remember them.
I ABSOLUETELY ADORE YOU MARIA! YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE PERSON.
I am really sorry. I will always love you and hope we meet again someday.
I love you." I really, really, really love you so much. With reckless ambition, with boundless contrition; bearing the weight of my guilt and sins, yet unwilling to give up; selfishly, desperately, ardently, hungrily—I love you.
It became an obsession, and she slowly became my entire source of happiness. It got to the point where I was genuinely trying to change my life and get better. More than anything, I just wanted to see her happy.I hated myself so much that the only way I knew how to feel loved was through acts of service,through doing things for her and seeing her smile.
A few days ago I got really messed up on benzos and some other medications, and I ended up saying horrible things and lashing out at her. I honestly don't remember most of it. It feels like I blacked out for two days. Now I'm blocked everywhere, and not being able to reach out or apologise to her feels agonising. I can't even put into words how much she meant to me, it wasn't just love. She was the gentlest person I'd ever met. Around her, I felt at ease. I felt peaceful.
I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, maybe since I was 19. But this is the worst it's ever been. I feel reckless and impulsive. I sent countless emails and messages, but none of them reached her.And as pathetic as it sounds, I feel like I'm falling apart over someone who probably barely thinks about me anymore.
Even crying doesn't comfort me anymore. The thought of dying scares me. I have my unsealed SN pack in front of me, it's like a small brick, honestly you could kill someone with it.
I am sorry for all the things I have said. I promise I do not remember them.
I ABSOLUETELY ADORE YOU MARIA! YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE PERSON.
I am really sorry. I will always love you and hope we meet again someday.
I love you." I really, really, really love you so much. With reckless ambition, with boundless contrition; bearing the weight of my guilt and sins, yet unwilling to give up; selfishly, desperately, ardently, hungrily—I love you.
