I can't get past asking myself this question

[wildflowers1996]

Why was I born me - and not another person? Why is my brain so messed up?

The only possible thing I can think of is that my parents had me (naturally) late in life (my mum was 45 and my dad 43). Could that have messed up my brain somehow?

Because I really don't understand - no one in my family is mentally ill like me. I wasn't abused; I didn't go through traumatic experiences as a child, but I've always been like this. I've never been normal, but I'm not sure what quite why. I don't think I am autistic but I've had OCD symptoms since I was a young child.

But also - why was I "given" this life to live, full of so much mental anguish? There are billions of people - why am I /this/ one? I know it could be even worse - I should be grateful it's not even worse - but I do feel I suffer much much more than the average person, and I can't get past the idea I have bad karma of some sort.

I find it hard to believe it's all meaningless and just coincidence.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Me too. It's maddening. My dumb NT twin got to have a viable, broadly normal life and as juvenile as this sentiment may wound it's just not fair!

 

[divinemistress36]

Depression can be genetic. Did any of your grand or great grandparents suffer with it?

 

[LaughingGoat]

I also spent a lot of time wishing there was some meaning to it all , but just to give you perspective on how much of a coincidence you existing at all is: each ejaculate contains on average around 200-300 million sperm. Each of those sperm has a different DNA order meaning "you" literally only exist because of the sperm that won the race. Then throw in the odds of your parents meeting, conceiving on the day they did, this Goldilocks planet existing and sustaining life, etc. and the odds are so astronomically small that there really is no way to quantify just how unlikely you existing at all is.

 

[Traveller12724]

Welcome to the randomness of the universe, it decides pretty much everything, I stopped questioning it because too many things happened to/for me all randomly