Lazy
Just let me sleep
- Feb 25, 2025
- 33
I have arrived at a point where the thoughts of suicide have engraved themselves so deeply within my mind that not a single day, hell, not a single hour goes by without me thinking about it. My cognitive functions are severely impared, logical reasoning barely working, all I do is through force of habit and the basic drive to survive. My facade for my family has long become a custom for me and by now I am just drifting throught life. However it is getting worse, I start having moments in which the need, the desire to kill my self is so great that I just lock up, my heartbeat increases, my breath shortens and I drift off in discussions with myself, concepts of how I could make my suicide look like an accident, imaginary talks with close friends about my feelings. With all of that comes an urge to act, a horrible, pressing feeling that my inactivety just delays the enevitable outcome and so my brain starts screaming at me to do something, anything that would get me out of the state I am currently in. But I cannot act for my death would cause immense harm to those I love and hold dear but my life is a hell made by me, for me, that I must suffer in. I am lost. Do I wait? Wait untill my parents die and my friends leave, so my death will not have any consequences? Can I live like this for another 30 years? Soon it will be my fourth year suicidal, if things keep getting worse at their current rate, I won't function in 15 months, 2 years at best. I'm already breaking down in the middle of the day, without a trigger, without reason, how could I keep going like this for another 30 years? That's more than what I have lived till now. These thoughts paralyze me for hours on end. I'm facing a decision which will condemn either me or all my loved ones. This is so crule, I cannot bear this. I beg that stress induced heart faliour takes me out because I cannot.
Forgive my grammar, I'm shit at talking/writing
Forgive my grammar, I'm shit at talking/writing
