Venting I cancelled my SN order because of him, and now I'm scared because he is my only reason to stay.

[3FailedAttemptss]

I'm currently in a psych ward (yes, still). I've been trying to CTB for over a year with 10-20 attempts at this point. I actually had an order of SN on the way, it was my "safety net," my exit plan if things got too loud (realistically though I would've CTB'd ASAP with the SN). But tomorrow, I will let the order expire in customs.

I did it because of one person: my best friend/crush/Favorite Person. He is the only thing that works. The meds don't touch the emptiness/negative schizophrenic symptoms, but when I'm with him, the suicidal thoughts actually go quiet. When I hold his hand, I don't just "tolerate" existing—I actually want to be here, with him. We are planning a trip to London, and I chose that future over CTBing with my SN.

But here is the problem: By cancelling the SN, I have effectively swapped a chemical safety net for a human one. I have put all my eggs in one basket, and that basket is an 18-year-old boy who has no idea he's holding my life in his hands.
The disparity between our lives is eating me alive:

• Him: He has a full life. He goes to 12-hour parties, plays D&D, has school, has dozens of friends. I am just one planet (if that) in his solar system.
• Me: I have... him. That's it. He is my sun. If he turns away, my world goes dark immediately.

I get physically sick with jealousy when he's out with other people, not because I'm possessive, but because I'm terrified. I know for a fact that if he ever drops me, or gets bored, or realizes I'm "too heavy," I will kill myself. The buffer is gone. He doesn't know this. I would never tell him because I don't want to be that person who uses suicide as a threat. I want him to be free. But keeping it inside is torture. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope with no net, just praying he doesn't let go of the rope.

 

[Zaphkiel]

3y ago, when my wife left me, the first thing i made was to seek a method.
At first i Settled with gas, then switched to Sn because its way less technical.
With time i let myself get a try at life again, but i still ordered SN in january of 2025.
The goal was that i'd have one fresh enough for a bit of time if needed and the mental comfort of knowing i have this exit door if needed.
Having SN doesnt mean you have to use it, but it's reassuring knowing you have a way out if needed, at least mentally.

 

[Jisatsu]

Do what you can hun

 

[quietbird]

I'm currently in a psych ward (yes, still). I've been trying to CTB for over a year with 10-20 attempts at this point. I actually had an order of SN on the way, it was my "safety net," my exit plan if things got too loud (realistically though I would've CTB'd ASAP with the SN). But tomorrow, I will let the order expire in customs.

I did it because of one person: my best friend/crush/Favorite Person. He is the only thing that works. The meds don't touch the emptiness/negative schizophrenic symptoms, but when I'm with him, the suicidal thoughts actually go quiet. When I hold his hand, I don't just "tolerate" existing—I actually want to be here, with him. We are planning a trip to London, and I chose that future over CTBing with my SN.

But here is the problem: By cancelling the SN, I have effectively swapped a chemical safety net for a human one. I have put all my eggs in one basket, and that basket is an 18-year-old boy who has no idea he's holding my life in his hands.
The disparity between our lives is eating me alive:

• Him: He has a full life. He goes to 12-hour parties, plays D&D, has school, has dozens of friends. I am just one planet (if that) in his solar system.
• Me: I have... him. That's it. He is my sun. If he turns away, my world goes dark immediately.

I get physically sick with jealousy when he's out with other people, not because I'm possessive, but because I'm terrified. I know for a fact that if he ever drops me, or gets bored, or realizes I'm "too heavy," I will kill myself. The buffer is gone. He doesn't know this. I would never tell him because I don't want to be that person who uses suicide as a threat. I want him to be free. But keeping it inside is torture. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope with no net, just praying he doesn't let go of the rope.

Oh wow, I relate to this so much. People can be unpredictable, and you're right ... it can be risky to place all of your hope in one person. Still, choose joy anyway, and see if you can expand it so that your happiness isn't centered on him alone.

If something hard or painful happens between you, please remember two things:

1. It may be temporary and could return to being good, so don't act impulsively.

2. The fact that you can feel hope and joy toward someone at all is proof that those feelings come from within you. They're evidence of your optimistic spirit. They were born inside you, not created by him.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

We cannot designate people to be our safety nets, especially not romantic interests. He isn't holding your life in his hands, because you cannot put that on anyone. It's in your hands and your hands alone. You are in no way his responsibility, but you are yours. I hope you can find a way forward, but it needs to come from you, from your own inner strength, not from using a person or a chemical as a crutch.

 

[webb&flow]

It is possible to turn the energy of love you get from it and pour that into other things you; you can pour out the water of his love into other soils of your life, buried with the composts of all that has come to pass, and make a garden of love—love of not just him, but a love for all the things that fascinate you and draw your curiosity—that will blossom from that energy and continue to give back blossom and light and water and warmth even when he is away.

You can use the love given by him and create more love in your life. Into art, into poetry, into philosophy, into hobby, into words, into feelings, into ideas, into curiosity.

You don't have to stuff it all inside. You can find healthy ways to craft your feelings into something less burning hot, something more comfortable and complex. More… cathartic.

It doesn't have to be torture. There is a way to turn all of this lovepain inside you into a new source of light in your life; to turn that space of darkness into a place of relaxation, creation, self-exploration, and self-love.

It all happens step by step. Day by say. Moment by moment. Thought by thought. Word by word.

It is 100% possible.

I wish you way more than luck.

<3