I called the suicide hotline again - could you pls give me any thoughts on this?

[Terrible_Life_99]

I called the suicide hotline. I'm honest the woman was very polite and tried her best. She talked with me for 1 hour.
I told her about all my pain. Her point was I should do this: Go to a clinic then leave the house of parents and go to an apartment which is made for people with mental illness where some kind of mental supervisors are there to help these people to re socialize with society etc. Then she said I should do a job on a work place that is made for people with mental illness handicap. She mentioned to men she know who struggled like i do and she said they both are happy at their work place now. Then I told her but look that would mean that I would be forced to go a hard way full of struggle to "heal" myself from all the mental illness i have because of the stupid mistakes by my family and all that only to get a life where I also won't be fully independent but all the time dependent on the help of others.
Then she answered i could see this as some sort of bridge and then when fully stabilized i could work for an independent life.
When should this life begin ? With 30,35,40? I'm honest i think that by now i'm so damaged cognitively that I won't be even able to participate in all these clinic therapy things. I also do think I could not work in that place made for people with mental illness handicap. I'm happy for the people who do that and found fulfillment in their life and I know this sounds evil but I just don't wanna live like this, dependent on others, being seen as a handicapped mentally ill weak human who needs help and as I said I do not believe I could do this all. And my main point: why should I go this difficult road only to try to heal all the illnesses I got as fatal consequences by the shit up bringing my family did on me? Why should I try to walk away from this huge shadow that'll always follow me?
Please give me your thoughts on this. Why did this conversation made me so pensive? I knew what her advices would be because they all have this advice and I even wrote about it in my diary that I don't want to go this road. Maybe I'm just extremely sad about it that this is the end. This empty and sad existence without anything and that it'll end like that. No great moments, nothing.

 

[itsgone2]

@Terrible_Life_99 well, in part I would think it's a script. I'm not sure where you are, I'm not aware of those options where I live. But they don't sound so bad. However, I completely sympathize. I do so little these days. I probably wouldn't want to go this route either. So, the first step is moving to an apartment, where they give special care? Is this free? Some government service?

 

[EmptyBottle]

Could be years of built up feelings... and/or a fear that one's personality may be pushed to change?
(Although, even with following help, personalities don't tend to change too drastically, they can improve, shift, etc tho.)

 

[Terrible_Life_99]

@Terrible_Life_99 well, in part I would think it's a script. I'm not sure where you are, I'm not aware of those options where I live. But they don't sound so bad. However, I completely sympathize. I do so little these days. I probably wouldn't want to go this route either. So, the first step is moving to an apartment, where they give special care? Is this free? Some government service?

It is free but I just don't want to go this difficult way. It'll be a hard task to
"heal" myself, I even think its impossible. My ocd for example was always there also in moments when i felt better. And as I mentioned for what should i do all that? Hoping again for something and then nothing will come out. I think si is really a peace of shit no matter what advice i'll hear si immediately gets awaken and try to manipulate me to do it even though every rational thinking about it leads me to the conclusion that it just isn't worth it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It isn't at all fair or just that you would have to do all this but, unfortunately, it may be a realistic appraisal of where you are at and what your options are. That's all it is I suppose ultimately for any of us. As in- I don't like where I am. What options are available to me?

Obviously, she wouldn't want you considering suicide as an option and I suppose, having phoned a prevention line, she may have assumed you would be onboard with trying to avoid that outcome also.

I expect it could be difficulf but then, most things kind of are- unfortunately. Uni is daunting, the workplace is daunting. I suppose the hope is that being in a place that deliberately recruits those with more needs/ support required- that there would be more understanding there.

I completely understand why it looks unappealing and daunting but, like everything- we won't actually know till we try it. I've tried different things, only to quit them because they weren't what I wanted. It was still good to have tried though- so that I knew for sure they weren't what I wanted.

I imagine she was also thinking of the alternative- which I assume is to stay at home. If the environment there is toxic though- will that make your life any better?

But, I do get it. Some things just don't feel right. I guess the trouble is trying to workout an alternative though. Do you have things you want to work towards?