Story I am turning 30 years old in less than an hour.

[Arvinneedstodie]

I haven't posted here in a long time. I'm currently in the last few moments of my twenties. I first joined this forum back when when I was 22, I said then that I wasn't going to be 23, and then I said the same about turning 25. Then it was 26, 27, 28, 29, and yet here I am at the age that I set as the absolute no go since I was a teenager. Yet a few mins before I turn 30, I'm stilling clinging on to that very abstract hope. Not really hope that I can see, more like a wish, a strong yearning wish to find that hope out of a seemingly ever worsening hopelessness. I wasted my entire twenties, I've allowed things to get worse because I said I wasn't going to live to the next year. I've missed opportunities because they didn't matter, because I wasn't going to live to see it. And now I'm turning 30...

I want to say so much more. I've lost so many people one way or another that I used to talk to on here. I'm sorry...

 

[Arvayn]

You really have been through so much. Maybe it's a sign to at least try even a little bit...? There's a tiny glimmer of yearning in there.
I won't wish you happy birthday, since this clearly isn't a happy moment for you and that's just an empty platitude regardless. I also don't know what you're apologizing for, but I think you deserve some compassion. Even at 30, life goes on, and you're still yourself. I really wish you all the best, and I'm sorry for you. Experiencing so much loss is fucking awful.

 

[soul2realm]

Happy Birthday. The feeling of yearning while time passes is mutual. If anything, it gets speedier the more we age.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry for all your suffering. I hope things get better for you, and that you were able to have some happiness on your birthday despite your circumstances.

 

[Honeyhato]

Just wanted to say happy birthday. I'm new here but hope you can have some brief respite on your special day

 

[metfan647]

Anhedonia, depression, anxiety all get eclipsed by having all those things AND getting older. I got through my twenties and early to mid thirties because of the vain materialistic pursuits that kept the poor mental health at bay. Now being disillusioned with it all, it's a very dark place.

I can't tell if your post is one of dispair or of a little hope remaining. In either case, I wish you a light day free of ruminating.

 

[astroproto]

I hope you find your hope, or that it finds you.

 

[darksouls]

happy birthday,
I wish you the best , I hope you find the peace you deserve

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

Anhedonia, depression, anxiety all get eclipsed by having all those things AND getting older. I got through my twenties and early to mid thirties because of the vain materialistic pursuits that kept the poor mental health at bay. Now being disillusioned with it all, it's a very dark place.

I can't tell if your post is one of dispair or of a little hope remaining. In either case, I wish you a light day free of ruminating.

Thank you.

I am definitely in despair. Despair at the youth that slipped away, which I was never able to even grasp. Despair at the present that seems hopeless, and the future that's too scary to even contemplate about. Yet, this deep yearning to find that fleeing hope I've been looking for my whole life hasn't left me. It's like i have a mission built in to milk this hope to it's last drop. I've spent almost all of my twenties in denial and being a NEET, losing myself in distractions and daydreams, but eventually I couldn't do that no more. Now I have to face the reality I've been running away from, at age 30, still with that same yearning I had at 20, but with everything 10 years worse.

I wish I could just get rid of this yearning, but it seems the only way to get rid of it is to spend it. To prove it wrong.