Venting i am such a failure and im so tired

[scentoflavender]

i just need to type out how im feeling right now

i am worthless and a failure... i legitimately think i am a horrible, horrible person and i cause nothing but pain and suffering to those around me. i dont think there are any positives of me being around... i feel so bad for all the things ive done. i love my girlfriend very much but i feel so, so, so, bad for all the stuff i put her through with my constant mental issues and depression and getting upset and emotional.... she used to be more open about me doing it but recently shes just been telling me to stop and that im making things worse... i miss when she'd listen to me and help me... i wish she didnt just tell me to stop. but if i wasnt like this then none of this would be happening. i feel so extremely bad about it and i dont know how she stands to be around me anymore and im so angry at myself for doing this to her, i feel like a monster. i hate myself

 

[Jadeith]

I do not mean to invalidate your feelings in any way but tell me this - did you ask for this mental instability of yours? Did you actively seek to achieve mental state you're currently in? Did you want to be depressed?
Somehow i don't think answer is "yes".
You are not horrible, you have special needs. You are afflicted, not a monster. You require support as depression is one mean motherfucker, nearly impossible to beat alone as it is your own mind playing dirty tricks on you. How do i know? Mine pulls off similar shit.

 

[scentoflavender]

I do not mean to invalidate your feelings in any way but tell me this - did you ask for this mental instability of yours? Did you actively seek to achieve mental state you're currently in? Did you want to be depressed?
Somehow i don't think answer is "yes".
You are not horrible, you have special needs. You are afflicted, not a monster. You require support as depression is one mean motherfucker, nearly impossible to beat alone as it is your own mind playing dirty tricks on you. How do i know? Mine pulls off similar shit.

i definitely didnt ask for it... but i still could be better for her and not put her through it

 

[Jadeith]

You could.... or you couldn't. When you catch cold, are you able to control it's severity? Like, you could have less runny nose? Or could have lower temperature?
Not so much, eh? And cold ain't shit compared to a depression. I understand that you care about your gf and want to be as good for her as possible. Just keep in mind that sometimes what's possible is not as much as you\d like it to be. And that's beyond your control. Also, doesn't mean you're shitty person. Just a person in shitty state.

 

[selfsocio]

i just need to type out how im feeling right now

i am worthless and a failure... i legitimately think i am a horrible, horrible person and i cause nothing but pain and suffering to those around me. i dont think there are any positives of me being around... i feel so bad for all the things ive done. i love my girlfriend very much but i feel so, so, so, bad for all the stuff i put her through with my constant mental issues and depression and getting upset and emotional.... she used to be more open about me doing it but recently shes just been telling me to stop and that im making things worse... i miss when she'd listen to me and help me... i wish she didnt just tell me to stop. but if i wasnt like this then none of this would be happening. i feel so extremely bad about it and i dont know how she stands to be around me anymore and im so angry at myself for doing this to her, i feel like a monster. i hate myself

i resonate with you deeply. my boyfriend has told me that my mental health is exhausting and he doesn't want to put up with it. eventually i faked a personality around him that is constantly outgoing and happy, but pertaining to that face is making my health worse and almost unbearable...
your feelings shouldn't have to burden you, its important to reach out to someone who is willing to listen rather than someone who has to deal with it.

 

[scentoflavender]

i resonate with you deeply. my boyfriend has told me that my mental health is exhausting and he doesn't want to put up with it. eventually i faked a personality around him that is constantly outgoing and happy, but pertaining to that face is making my health worse and almost unbearable...
your feelings shouldn't have to burden you, its important to reach out to someone who is willing to listen rather than someone who has to deal with it.

yeah i try my best to mask my emotions sometimes and keep up a happy scene for her but its really hard... it sucks to have to bottle in emotions like that. shes just legit the only person i have that im comfortable enough to talk to about mental health with right now, but i also hate to put her through it (god i miss my therapist) maybe this site will help with that

 

[scentoflavender]

can i just make this thread my vent thread? is that allowed

 

[scentoflavender]

i am so conflicted with myself.... i feel like im at war with my mind right now

part of me desperately wants time with my girlfriend and to talk to her and that i miss her and love her and to share my feelings with her... but i cant get over the other side of my mind saying that i need to be isolated from her, that she'd be better off and happier without me, that all i do is hurt her and put her through pain and that the best thing i can do is be quiet and leave her alone. im scared... i want to talk to her so bad but im so scared of hurting her or things going wrong... i feel like such a monster. i miss her so much but i am so afraid of ruining things for her again like i always do. i hate myself...
i miss how things used to be. i miss when we would flirt with each other and call each other cute names, how we would spam each other with heart emojis, how we were able to spend time together on games or whatnot without things going wrong or me getting upset over the littlest of things, when i wouldn't hurt her or overwhelm her. i miss when i didnt have to worry about me getting upset, how my brain wasnt flooded with the fear of hurting her. i miss when i wasnt so depressed or upset... i can't wait to ctb. i feel like it would be the best for everyone

 

[Jadeith]

part of me desperately wants time with my girlfriend and to talk to her and that i miss her and love her and to share my feelings with her... but i cant get over the other side of my mind saying that i need to be isolated from her, that she'd be better off and happier without me, that all i do is hurt her and put her through pain and that the best thing i can do is be quiet and leave her alone. im scared... i want to talk to her so bad but im so scared of hurting her or things going wrong... i feel like such a monster. i miss her so much but i am so afraid of ruining things for her again like i always do. i hate myself...

How about taking this quote here, replacing "my girlfriend" and "her" with "you" and sending it to her? That would keep air clean between you two, make her aware of your state and if she's truly good for you, might also yield level of support you couldn't even imagine.

i can't wait to ctb.

Note that it is not an attempt to guilt trip you. Just an information/observation. If she's half as invested into you as you describe, your suicide will rip her heart out and leave her traumatized for life, most probably unable to form any romantic bond anymore. I don't think that's the kind of "protection" you want for her.