Venting I am so mind numbingly depressed

[before20]

Genuinely, how am I meant to live like this? The default state for my brain is 24/7 "please kill yourself now". That's not fucking normal. It's definitely not feasible for long term survival. Sure, I could take meds for the rest of my goddamn life but it doesn't change the fact it'd be one slog after the other. You could hand-feed me my every dream on a silver platter right now and it would never change the fact that I'm hardwired to self destruct.

This is such typical MDD bullshit but nothing interests me. Nothing. The idea of looking ahead to a long life of doing shit I hate to maybe one day potentially do something I tolerate, while spending a third of my life at best doing things I actually love, sounds like a miserable goddamn existence. But even the things I love are just pittances, they're not sustainable sources of energy. I can't even muster up the motivation to play video games. Or to play my guitar. I'd spend my life bed rotting and I might as well just go die at that point.

And I've seen the other side of this; I lived 1-2 years of "being normal" while I was on meds. They worked! My moods were stable and as aforementioned, I didn't want to KMS 24/7. But even then there was (and still is) something fundamentally broken inside me, every victory I had was hard fought, and I had maybe one friend who actually liked me—and even then, they never truly knew me. I had no direction in life, nothing I did actually fulfilled me, and looking back on it, I was just ticking off one meaningless obligation after the other. Sometimes I think life goals or the company of others is worse than any drug. You spend your whole life chasing it, trying to wring a semblance of the happiness naivety gave you. But money won't make you happy. Other people won't make you happy. And when you can't even make yourself happy, the answer's a no-brainer, isn't it.

 

[starboy2k]

Its annoying when people try to tell you how to get your life together, but then also tell you that "nobody really knows what to do in life". Working so hard just to be normal and still end up depressed and suicidal.

 

[before20]

Its annoying when people try to tell you how to get your life together, but then also tell you that "nobody really knows what to do in life". Working so hard just to be normal and still end up depressed and suicidal.

1000%. I had everything I ever wanted and it still didn't do it for me.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I think I have the opposite problem you have. Reaching life goals has always been easy for me. My first job was at a grocery store and I fucking HATED it. So I went to tech school. And then from there I got a job at the school. A job that I techinally shouldn't have gotten because they were only looking to hire 3 people. Then I applied to two well known companies in my area for an electrical job and got into one of them and got to the interview stage with the other. Which is a pretty big deal since that company is famous for sending out the 'sorry we don't want you email'. Few people get an interview. And a lot of people want to work at my job. Thousands of people apply and few actually get hired.

I've wanted to be an accountant since I was a senior in highschool, but couldn't because student loan debt is insane. And then I found a cheap school that is self paced. I could in theory finish my degree in 6 months.

Everything just falls into my lap. But I'm still insanely depressed. Meds don't work. They help. I have more energy and motivation. But they aren't a cure. I wish they were. I'm tired of feeling this way. Especially when I have no right to.

I make good money, I have an easy job, I live with my mom so I save a ton, I have a retirement account, I'll have a pension when I retire (which is rare in America), I could actually be a home owner it's not just a fever dream, I'm able to get good jobs super easily. So why am I not happy?