Venting i am not a good person

[thelittleprincess]

I genuinely know, without a doubt in my mind, that I am not a good person. I've done shitty things. I think shitty things. I'm an asshole to my mom, who's just trying her best, and I always hate myself for it because I feel like I'm just turning into my dad and there's nothing I can do to stop it. My self-esteem has plummeted since my boyfriend and I broke up. I miss him so much. My best friend told me the other day that I'm really mean and that FUCKED with me because I swear I've spent so much time trying to not be. I can't have kids because I know I'd be abusive. I wish I was in an abusive relationship, I feel like I need to be taught a lesson and just get a grip on life. I keep pushing people away. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I just want it all to end.
I tried reaching out to a friend that I ghosted months ago, I let him believe I killed myself and finally told him that I'm okay and how sorry I am. He hasn't answered, I don't blame him one bit. I fucking hate myself. I swear I keep trying to be a good person, but I wasn't built to be good. I was born into evil and I'll die choking on it.

 

[fruitninjamaster]

I would still care for you, if you except a loving text message once in a blue moon

 

[ipmanwc0]

I think my life has gotten better since I stopped using the words good or bad since they are neither helpful nor meaningful. You are the way you are now presumably because you haven't been treated well by life. You are not to blame because you didn't decide to be this way. Such a person easily hurts others because they are hurt and lonely themselves. Be kind and understanding towards yourself. Only when you heal can you be a "good" person.

 

[m1v]

I think it's too vague to label someone as "bad", people aren't defined only by their worst actions. I believe that good people can still do terrible things, and that what matters is recognizing it & taking responsibility. a person can be good at their core and still be capable of doing terrible things. Don't be too hard on yourself, being aware of your wrongdoings shows that you want to do better, even if you haven't figured out how yet. <3

 

[M_E_S]

Who is truly good or bad? As some have mentioned on here these are subjective across cultures and even from individual to individual. One human's ritualistic end to preserve honor is another's disregard for the "sanctity of human life."

I have even observed the notions being nebulous depending on circumstance and purveyor. What I may see as "good" when I engage in it myself might also abhor me when observing its practice by others.

I believe the best we can reasonably hope for is those who are and try to be consistent. I hesitate to go further with the moral and ethical aims of that consistency bc it brings us back to the inherent subjectivity in minds. But do we admire someone far more who is "trying to be better" along a set standard, whether or not that standard aligns with my own notions of what "better" entails, than those who in a very ends-justifies-the-means fashion will be, say, think and do anything that achieves their own aims. From a certain p-o-v might they see that as bettering themselves as well?

In my own sense of morality, I believe it's noteworthy and admirable you're even concerned with being a good person because at the very least it reveals your self-awareness and desire to improve yourself. Whether you succeed or fail is the same for all of us fallible, imperfect sapiens. But there are so many more who never even consider the question, and exist in a haze of mindless existence, not even cognizant of themselves, their role or the effects they have on others.

 

[uglymisanthr0pe]

there is no good without selfishness. that is why morality is inherently not a thing in my eyes

 

[Bruce]

Ah! But who or what is good? Are parents good when taking care of their children even though they are the ones who brought them into hell? Is a father good for giving his daughter sweets when those cause cancer? Is a mother good for dressing her son too warm when this will damage his immune system?

What matters is being aware of who you are, recognizing, understanding and acknowledging your mistakes. Start with this and work your way up! Despite what you think I think you are a good person. I know this because I make the same mistakes. I too sometimes treat my mum poorly. I too am alone partially because I treated bad the person I love. I try to change though.

 

[itsgone2]

I swear I keep trying to be a good person, but I wasn't built to be good. I was born into evil and I'll die choking on it.

This has been much of my life. I'm sorry you feel this way. I've done some good but so much harm. Perhaps you are the same way. Idk why we're wired this way. At least you seem young and realize it now. Try to fight it

 

[sanctionedusage]

this thread's a pretty good example, but most people can't stand this feeling either and cope megahard to invalidate the emotion. bringing morality to abstraction and nonsense, extreme comparisons to make the concept of "bad" less important.

your only two options emotionally are to acknowledge the reality of what you've done wrong and feel atrocious about it, or to remove yourself from the feeling by essentially asking "meh, what's morality anyway? subjective and relative methinks"

you either change or you don't.

My best friend told me the other day that I'm really mean and that FUCKED with me because I swear I've spent so much time trying to not be.

but jsyk, there ARE people in the world that are so simple that they can't see you for anything but the caricature that benefits them most. if seeing your worst as your usual helps them feel nicer, victimized, or otherwise innocent, they'll keep seeing you like this forever, regardless of what you actually do from then on out. these arent even inherently bad or malicious people; it's a subconscious thing that people do for the reasons above. im just saying not to take it to heart if they can't properly explain why they think that, because they might be feeling something that isn't actually reflective of reality.

 

[fadedghost]

I genuinely know, without a doubt in my mind, that I am not a good person. I've done shitty things. I think shitty things. I'm an asshole to my mom, who's just trying her best, and I always hate myself for it because I feel like I'm just turning into my dad and there's nothing I can do to stop it. My self-esteem has plummeted since my boyfriend and I broke up. I miss him so much. My best friend told me the other day that I'm really mean and that FUCKED with me because I swear I've spent so much time trying to not be. I can't have kids because I know I'd be abusive. I wish I was in an abusive relationship, I feel like I need to be taught a lesson and just get a grip on life. I keep pushing people away. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I just want it all to end.
I tried reaching out to a friend that I ghosted months ago, I let him believe I killed myself and finally told him that I'm okay and how sorry I am. He hasn't answered, I don't blame him one bit. I fucking hate myself. I swear I keep trying to be a good person, but I wasn't built to be good. I was born into evil and I'll die choking on it.

I believe you.

Also, have you considered volunteering in a soup kitchen, food pantry, or helping deliver meals to the home bound?

Anyone can do community service, even evil people, and even if your intentions are terrible, if sick people are getting food, who cares?

There's no evil bad-person way to do community service. Just show up and volunteer! You may be able to look at yourself and like yourself more after.

 

[ForeverSubhuman]

You're better than someone shameless