Celerity
shape without form, shade without colour
- Jan 24, 2021
- 2,807
That way, CTB would seem like the only way out. Instead, my life is just OK enough to leave me wondering if I could possibly fix it. The years ahead terrify me. I don't know how to live, and I can't bring myself to purposefully die.
This site skews so young that 30 makes me one of the older folks here. If you had told me at 20 or at 12 (when I first started to contemplate suicide) that I was still here twiddling my thumbs over this relentless question, my younger self would have exclaimed that I should fucking shit or get off the pot. And I could hardly agree more.
A few years ago, I had a really disturbing dream that has haunted me since, particularly in moments like these. I am not superstitious or religious, but it felt like some all-knowing entity cut through the ether and told me that I was destined to stumble through life half-assed and that I would be full of regrets just like my parents. It's this idea of inevitable regret that frightens me. Even if I logically know this is all a creation of my own mind, I can't shake it. I feel like I must change and change drastically to avoid that fate, but I don't even know where to begin.
Driving just a few minutes down the road and picking up a gun is so much simpler, almost comically so. My state government places very few restrictions on firearm purchases, and I have more than enough funds to get what I need. I really wish it were the only thing I wanted. Then, I wouldn't have to suffer in limbo anymore.
This site skews so young that 30 makes me one of the older folks here. If you had told me at 20 or at 12 (when I first started to contemplate suicide) that I was still here twiddling my thumbs over this relentless question, my younger self would have exclaimed that I should fucking shit or get off the pot. And I could hardly agree more.
A few years ago, I had a really disturbing dream that has haunted me since, particularly in moments like these. I am not superstitious or religious, but it felt like some all-knowing entity cut through the ether and told me that I was destined to stumble through life half-assed and that I would be full of regrets just like my parents. It's this idea of inevitable regret that frightens me. Even if I logically know this is all a creation of my own mind, I can't shake it. I feel like I must change and change drastically to avoid that fate, but I don't even know where to begin.
Driving just a few minutes down the road and picking up a gun is so much simpler, almost comically so. My state government places very few restrictions on firearm purchases, and I have more than enough funds to get what I need. I really wish it were the only thing I wanted. Then, I wouldn't have to suffer in limbo anymore.
