How to trust SN more etc

[intheend]

I am so thankful for this forum. It has helped me alot. I'm the ones who have been lurking around for awhile, but felt to share some thoughts.

We all know in this forum that every method is not 100% reliable and how important it is to do alot of research and how much we put ourself in danger to attempt. But what more can we do?

If I get rid of my bad trust issues so that I can trust the process I make, study anatomy to know more about how the human body works it can help me being more secure I guess. Experience is also a factor.

I think my previous attempts keep me believing I will fail again despites I have learned from it.

I have SN ready, but I worry too much about failure and wake up with a stroke or something if I don't call an ambulanse plus I know I will not be found in time.

Another method I feel could work is try to OD on ghb or something and drowning in a jaccuzzi with cover on. I almost drowned one time and maybe that's the reason I'm so comfortable with it.

I'm sorry for my bad writings and if it was messy and incomprehensible to read. I know this is not helping anyone either. Just felt I need to put it down somewhere.

One last thing: the only thing I'm seriously sure about is to end this nightmare. I don't belong and have been suicidal since I was a kid.

Any thoughts?

 

[FighterOfTheNightman]

Somehow I think I could probably manage to drown in jacuzi with a head full of GHB as well.

I keep trying to talk myself into thinking reality is ok and that I don't want out, but I do.

It comes back to this, always. I am 35 and the will to end my own suffering grows stronger daily.. I have talked myself out of it enough times.. I am tired of riding this wave.. Up, down, high and low.

Sick of it.

I definitely relate..and I remember having ideations as young as my memory goes.