Help How to leave abusive household? advice?

[CatAstro.Fee]

People who left abusive households, how did you do it?

I'm working on trying to get a job and becoming financially independent, but I'm just trying to figure out what else to do.

I want to live on my own, and I know it's the best for me, but I also want to help one parent leave the narcissistic one. I don't know if that means living with that one parent just the two of us or giving them money passively when I live on my own.

I shouldn't live with them either because while they're not as bad as the other, I still can't forgive them for the many things they've said and done to me and current things they still do. In fact, I need to distance myself from my family. I just feel guilty for leaving the one parent behind. Lot's of what I've been raised by is guilt and shame. I hate it. I don't know. I hate how awful the narc one treats the other and I also worry for if the narc will ever get physical. I forget how much men's carelessness can lead to death of others. I just want to make sure they get away from the narc.

Thank you for any words

 

[Quietist]

I grew up with an abusive father who later became a victim of narcissistic abuse himself.

I sought opportunities that allowed me a quick escape, though I'm unsure if these will be viable for you: I had moved to live with another relative, then had enlisted in the army which allowed me to be gone for a couple of years, then had applied to a remote (remote as in, in the middle of nowhere) job that allowed me to fly there and live on their property and work - many of these types of jobs can be found on coolworks.com.

As far as trying to save a parent who has been the victim of abuse.... I can tell you that if that parent (or any person suffering from abuse) isn't ready or willing to come from under the abuser's control, then there will be almost nothing you can do to compel them. No amount of logic, pleading, shaming, nothing until they decide to leave themselves. It's like they are under mind control and that their brain's operating system has been replaced with nothing but the desire or need to appease the abuser.

It is heartbreaking to watch a loved one be abused and degraded, but you ultimately have to look out for yourself first, and make sure you are safe and comfortable.

Then afterwards, perhaps you can convince your parent to come stay with you, if you want to.

 

[martyrdom]

I have not had to leave an abusive household, but know many people who have. You will be able to find quite a lot of resources on leaving if you search for domestic violence shelters and help guides. An example: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/preparing-to-leave-2/
While they focus on cases where the abuse is by a partner or spouse, it's helpful for people with abusive parents as well.

If it's an emergency or when you're planning to leave, take any important documents (doctor files, ID, birth certificate, diplomas, etc). Take any essentials and some clothes. You can then go to a shelter.

If not, as soon as you get a job you should save up some money for rent or a hostel and move out as soon as possible. The world is yours from there.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think your other parent actually wants to leave them? Do they acknowledge their true nature? It must be a very worrying situation to be in.

It sounds as if you are doing all the right things though. Finding a job to achieve financial independence etc.

I agree with others though- I think it will depend greatly on whether your one parent is ready to leave the other. I suppose also- you need to seriously consider just how dangerous the 'narc' might become. Have they been physically violent before? I've heard that people are at the most risk when trying to leave an abusive relationship.

I think- if they were in a position to leave- you should definitely seek the advice of charities and organisations. I suspect domestic abuse advisory services are everywhere now. Maybe they may suggest whether restraining orders may be necessary.

As for living with this parent though- I don't know really. Do they work themselves? Could they potentially sustain themselves alone? It just sounds like you're carrying a lot of baggage. Personally- I was grateful for a clean break from my family. My parents weren't narcissistic but, I believe another family member was. They were why I developed ideation to begin with. But, I really just wanted a new start.

Obviously, it's more tricky when you want to 'save' other people but- maybe you can look to do both. Both have new starts.

 

[tarnishedstoner]

I'm sorry to hear that, sounds very tough. I have narcissistic parents as well but I was able to move out because of University.

Here's a psychiatrist youtuber that i really like. He has a video that might help. I recommend watching it.