At any moment, my boyfriend could dump me (or die), and I'd be homeless, broke, and inexorably fucked. I hate depending on someone else like this. God, the anxiety and terror it causes me at times...
But I screwed up. This is my fault. I made a myriad of poor choices because my brain is garbage, and there's no way to dig myself out now.
I mean, I could try, sure; and I don't mean to be so defeatist here, but realistically: the odds are stacked against me. I just don't think I have the mental (or physical) energy to work my ass off for very very little benefit in the end.