How do you stop your partner from taking their life after you CTB?

[a15]

My lover once told me that if I died he'd take his own life. He doesn't know that im planning to CTB.

For context, we met online and we're currently long distance in different countries but have plans to vacation together in the summer, then move in together after college. Last night, my partner woke up and told me that he just had a hyper realistic nightmare where I had died before he could see me in person. In his dream he was completely delirious, still sleep calling with me (we sleep over the phone every night together) and talking to me everyday even though I wasn't actually there. He felt like I was alive but it was only in his head, he started melting down and crying because he just couldn't accept it. He doesn't usually even dream at all, but this nightmare felt so real that when he woke up he was crying in bed and questioning if he was going crazy and if I were really alive or dead.

I comforted him and gave him the sweetest words of affection that I could. I told him that it was all just a bad dream, I told him that I'm right here and that everything is okay. But, he doesn't know that I started planning on CTB again. I have pretty chronic depression and have struggled with suicidal tendencies for years, which my boyfriend is aware of. Living has gotten too painful the past month so I recently started planning to attempt again once and for all. I haven't shown him any signs that I've been seriously ill again and he hasn't questioned anything at all. So, when he told me about this seemingly out of the blue nightmare he had, I just felt insanely terrible.

I'm a shitty girlfriend that lies through her teeth whenever she talks about the future, about "forever" with her lover. I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to say I love you, but I do anyways because I don't want to show any signs. I know that if he knew I were depressed and that he wasn't able to help, he'd feel insanely guilty for my death. He's already told me in the past that if I were to die, he'd take his own life. Not in any way that's emo or guilt-tripping, but simply because I'm his reason to live and he wouldn't want a future without me. Albeit, I really hate it. I can't take being here anymore, but I want him to live. He's nothing short of amazing towards me and I want him to live a long and fulfilling life, its what he deserves. He deserves to fall in love again and be with a partner that'll stay with him. So even though he's told me this, I would rather blissfully believe that it's not true. I'm a coward, and even though my death may take the life of the person I love the most, I can't help but want to die anyways.

I know its not really something you guys can answer, but if anyone has a similar experience, how would you deal with this in a way that most ensures your partner lives? I'm thinking about writing about it in my suicide note to him, but maybe those words will just lose meaning and come off hypocritical in the end. Would becoming a worse girlfriend and then breaking up first in hopes that he loses feelings be an option, or is that completely stupid and even more tactless? I'm ready to put my own selfish feelings aside to give my lover a comfortable future, so even though I want to rely on him till the end, I'm open to it. Any thoughts at all?

 

[fightclub17]

This is a hard one. After my attempt my husband asked for a divorce. As hard as it was to accept it, deep down I know it's best people are away from my self destructive tendensies. It's for his own wellbeing and sanity. I know I impacted him in a negative way, gave him trauma and perpetual life anxiety. I should have pushed him away and seperated before executing my plan.

 

[SentientCreature]

I haven't looked up actual research myself, but I once discussed this with someone who had read extensively about grief processing. He told me that a breakup, even if it occurred shortly before a suicide, significantly reduces both the intensity and the duration of grief. I know it's a rough decision but it's something to consider. Ending the relationship definitely seems more right to me if you're actually serious about suicide. I don't know your circumstances but if it's not urgent and there is a possibility that you would change your mind, then perhaps you can give the relationship a try and see how life turns out.

I was in a similar situation until recently - long-distance relationship with someone from another country. Based on how you've described your situation it seems like your boyfriend cares about you much more than mine did about me though, so I wasn't as conflicted, and the relationship was becoming quite unhealthy on top of everything. Now with all of that being the case I don't think he will commit suicide after I do, so I'm relatively guilt-free. My family on the other hand... I don't know what to do about that.

 

[a15]

This is a hard one. After my attempt my husband asked for a divorce. As hard as it was to accept it, deep down I know it's best people are away from my self destructive tendensies. It's for his own wellbeing and sanity. I know I impacted him in a negative way, gave him trauma and perpetual life anxiety. I should have pushed him away and seperated before executing my plan.

Right, it makes sense. It's just so hard to do when I'm hurting him because I don't want to hurt him. I'll give this serious consideration now, thank you for making me realize it isn't that crazy. Maybe letting go is the best form of love.

 

[IDontKnowEverything]

This post made me cry. As in, actual tears.
I am currently on the other end of this. I have been on suicide watch for a person I truly care about. I have already had the same nightmares myself, and cried even at the thought of that person taking their life (despite my own thoughts and tendencies).
I understand both of your sides.
I would agree with the comment above, maybe cutting the relationship could help him manage it in some way.
But my grain of salt is that you leave something behind for him.
A "I love you, please live, please always take care of yourself".
How exactly to do this, you be the one to choose that.
But see if you can respect the love he has for you in your own way, and ask him to please go on.
It's not silly, if he does think the way he does, it may be best to counter it directly.
Leave something behind, let him know you love him, ask him to not meet you too soon and still live life out for some more, for as long as he can.

 

[a15]

I haven't looked up actual research myself, but I once discussed this with someone who had read extensively about grief processing. He told me that a breakup, even if it occurred shortly before a suicide, significantly reduces both the intensity and the duration of grief. I know it's a rough decision but it's something to consider. Ending the relationship definitely seems more right to me if you're actually serious about suicide. I don't know your circumstances but if it's not urgent and there is a possibility that you would change your mind, then perhaps you can give the relationship a try and see how life turns out.

I was in a similar situation until recently - long-distance relationship with someone from another country. Based on how you've described your situation it seems like your boyfriend cares about you much more than mine did about me though, so I wasn't as conflicted, and the relationship was becoming quite unhealthy on top of everything. Now with all of that being the case I don't think he will commit suicide after I do, so I'm relatively guilt-free. My family on the other hand... I don't know what to do about that.

Really interesting statistic, I had no idea. Thank you for this, I was worried that even if I waited a month or three after breaking up he may still be attached enough to where it'll hurt the same or even more. I think it is something i'm seriously considering soon, but I need to think more on how I should go about it. But yeah apart from *this*, my relationship with my boyfriend is very healthy. I wish you the best with your loved ones on your departure

This post made me cry. As in, actual tears.
I am currently on the other end of this. I have been on suicide watch for a person I truly care about. I have already had the same nightmares myself, and cried even at the thought of that person taking their life (despite my own thoughts and tendencies).
I understand both of your sides.
I would agree with the comment above, maybe cutting the relationship could help him manage it in some way.
But my grain of salt is that you leave something behind for him.
A "I love you, please live, please always take care of yourself".
How exactly to do this, you be the one to choose that.
But see if you can respect the love he has for you in your own way, and ask him to please go on.
It's not silly, if he does think the way he does, it may be best to counter it directly.
Leave something behind, let him know you love him, ask him to not meet you too soon and still live life out for some more, for as long as he can.

This is a sweet way of looking at it, I think I really needed to hear it. I thought that if I broke up with him It'd be too selfish of me to tell him these things, that if I said "I love you" that It'd be harder for him to move on. But I guess I can allow myself to be a little, maybe hearing how much I care and opening up my heart is what he'll need to survive the most. I'm very sorry about the situation that you're in and I hope that you and your loved one are okay.

 

[owo]

but have plans to vacation together in the summer, then move in together after college.

i have no experience but if you are both suicidal (or your partner is potential suicidal) and if you both fit each other... maybe its a solution? like you both trying to care about each other and dont let struggle with suicidal ideation/any other mental issues? yes its about codependent relationship and many people hates it but if we just dont give a fuck about it. love each other and make themselves your main life goal.


however i am not fan of long distance relationship but if you are 100% sure about your future plans just keep doing it

 

[persistentheartache]

I agree that you should break up with him before you CTB.

I was in a similar-ish situation. In an LDR with my partner who also suffered a lot from their mental health and SI. they started going to therapy and it really helped them. I didn't get help and planned to CTB which I was open about to them. it really scared them and upset them. they ended up breaking up with me over that. they said they wouldn't wait around until I was dead one day.

I regret not breaking up with them before it got to the point that they were too overwhelmed. I know they cared a lot about me but I was making that difficult for them. It's more fair than disappearing randomly one day.

I failed my attempt and decided to humour their suggestions and advice about getting help. Now, I'm doing better but without them in my life which stings. because now I know that I could've gotten better WITH them. but I digress, I think breaking up with him is the way to go. it's not out of malice or disinterest. It sounds like you both care about each other a lot and that wouldn't change if you broke up with him. I think it's better to end things while things are good and you both love each other. I think looking back on someone fondly and missing them is better than having your lover ripped away from you from CTB. I agree you should be loving and gentle about it if you can help it.

Best wishes

 

[owo]

and that he wasn't able to help,

dont be shy to ask for any help care etc
your partner should care about it

 

[yeetpuffs]

From the perspective of someone who joined this club because of their soulmate's death (not by suicide, but it still hurts deeply):

If your partner truly loves you, believe me, he would live in a nightmare, at least for a while. And if you care about him, why would you want him to suffer? I'm not saying you shouldn't do it — I believe you have your reasons.
But just as you respect your own right to end your life, you should respect his, in case he decides to do the same.
So, from my perspective, either do everything to ruin your relationship before you die, or accept that he might follow you.

 

[a15]

i have no experience but if you are both suicidal (or your partner is potential suicidal) and if you both fit each other... maybe its a solution? like you both trying to care about each other and dont let struggle with suicidal ideation/any other mental issues? yes its about codependent relationship and many people hates it but if we just dont give a fuck about it. love each other and make themselves your main life goal.


however i am not fan of long distance relationship but if you are 100% sure about your future plans just keep doing it

He's not suicidal, although he has struggled with his mental health and survived attempts in the past. After he met me, he was adamant on the fact that he'll never get in that state again as long as I'm alive, that's just the kind of person he is. I'm sure that if I were able to work hard, successfully graduate, and move in together, it would work out. Neither of us struggle with the fact that our relationship is long distance, but there's just too much going on in the rest of my life that makes it feel impossible to live long enough to see it through. He works so hard for me and is the one saving up to pay for our vacation this summer, so I'm afraid that the longer I stay the more I'll just be wasting all his efforts and money. Not to mention, my parents are the ones that are paying for my college, I don't want them to waste their money on that if I'm inevitably not going to even graduate. I feel like I'll end up dying no matter what, so it's best to end it while I'm ahead.

From the perspective of someone who joined this club because of their soulmate's death (not by suicide, but it still hurts deeply):

If your partner truly loves you, believe me, he would live in a nightmare, at least for a while. And if you care about him, why would you want him to suffer? I'm not saying you shouldn't do it — I believe you have your reasons.
But just as you respect your own right to end your life, you should respect his, in case he decides to do the same.
So, from my perspective, either do everything to ruin your relationship before you die, or accept that he might follow you.

Yeah you're right, thank you for being realistic

 

[Aflame5926]

sorry im gonna be an insensitive autistic prick.

so why do you deserve ctb while you are trying to prevent him?
human matter and you matter to him. dont decide for him what he should do.
heck tell him about it and go together if you know he would go.
or hide it and give him a good bye note.

sorry but i dont think this is a descision is yours to make

 

[owo]

I feel like I'll end up dying no matter what, so it's best to end it while I'm ahead.

good thing is end it first but better thing is not killing yourself

 

[DeadManLiving]

Create distance but stay together, it's really rough out there.