How do you know you can trust someone …

[byebyeblondie]

I'm incredibly naive and take people at face value. I've been royally screwed over and treated badly on so many occasions. I've been promised the world but given hell.

I have so many insecurities they could eat me alive but I have BPD and I crave someone to love me.

I don't want to let the wrong people in again but I can't tell who is genuine and I seem to attract bad people :( I fall for people fast and I do dumb stuff that most normal people wouldn't do. I hate that. I hate me.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

I usually just make sure to have such a comedic amount of blackmail material on people that they have no choice but to not fuck with me lmao. Exeptions are only made for a few very rare people (whomst are hard to get blackmail worthy stuff on aniways)

 

[bankai]

Time. It takes time. People will always reveal themselves overtime. You have to give it time and understand them and they will give it away eventually if they aren't genuine.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure you can ever be sure. People I've known for years have still suprised me- usually in a bad way. Even family members. I came to the horrible conclusion years back that you could only truly rely on yourself. If people are supportive then great- enjoy it in the moment. Just don't be lulled into relying on it always.

I find that now, I pull myself back. So- I might perhaps arrange to do something say, (although, that hasn't happened in years!) but, I'll remind myself not to set my heart on it. It will be nice if it happens but, it won't surprise me if it doesn't. That goes for work too. So many projects don't get off the ground.

I also had to recognise in myself that I was wanting too much from a friend (in an emotionally needy way, rather than romantic.) I think it's important to try to work out what you both want from the relationship and, how much they're willing to give. Being vulnerable and needy was great when those needs were being met but in a weird way, that sort of encouraged me to want more, which was a dodgy place to be because it got to a point where they couldn't fulfil those needs. Their proritize switched to their partner and later, their family. Before then though, I worked out I needed to let go. I think in many ways, I'm better off isolating. I eventually managed to work out how to stabalize myself after a whole bunch of introspection.

I don't think I have BPD by the way but, I am prone to limerence and I do feel an intense need, even in friendships.

As for people who aren't good for you. I guess you need to maybe identify what kind of person they are. Do they seem to have common traits? Exploitation, manipulation? Maybe you need to look for the red flags from the outset. I'm not great at judging people either. Since keeping most at an arms length though, it's become less impactful if things flop. Not the best way to live though.

 

[byebyeblondie]

I usually just make sure to have such a comedic amount of blackmail material on people that they have no choice but to not fuck with me lmao. Exeptions are only made for a few very rare people (whomst are hard to get blackmail worthy stuff on aniways)

I'm glad you've found something that works for you. I would feel too guilty to use this method but I wish I could

I'm not sure you can ever be sure. People I've known for years have still suprised me- usually in a bad way. Even family members. I came to the horrible conclusion years back that you could only truly rely on yourself. If people are supportive then great- enjoy it in the moment. Just don't be lulled into relying on it always.

I find that now, I pull myself back. So- I might perhaps arrange to do something say, (although, that hasn't happened in years!) but, I'll remind myself not to set my heart on it. It will be nice if it happens but, it won't surprise me if it doesn't. That goes for work too. So many projects don't get off the ground.

I also had to recognise in myself that I was wanting too much from a friend (in an emotionally needy way, rather than romantic.) I think it's important to try to work out what you both want from the relationship and, how much they're willing to give. Being vulnerable and needy was great when those needs were being met but in a weird way, that sort of encouraged me to want more, which was a dodgy place to be because it got to a point where they couldn't fulfil those needs. Their proritize switched to their partner and later, their family. Before then though, I worked out I needed to let go. I think in many ways, I'm better off isolating. I eventually managed to work out how to stabalize myself after a whole bunch of introspection.

I don't think I have BPD by the way but, I am prone to limerence and I do feel an intense need, even in friendships.

As for people who aren't good for you. I guess you need to maybe identify what kind of person they are. Do they seem to have common traits? Exploitation, manipulation? Maybe you need to look for the red flags from the outset. I'm not great at judging people either. Since keeping most at an arms length though, it's become less impactful if things flop. Not the best way to live though.

I have often wondered if you can only trust yourself but I'm so erratic with my emotions that I don't even know if I can trust myself or my mind.

I like your outlook to 'enjoy it in the moment' and 'if it happens it happens' .. I feel like that's a good way to prevent getting hurt.

I can relate to wanting too much from people, I seek validation and constant reassurance that someone likes me or is happy with me. It's never enough to satisfy my mind though.

I'm sorry that you also feel the intense need. It's a really tricky feeling to handle.

They do have common traits. Abusive/ manipulative/ controlling. I seem to miss all the red flags or even possibly seek them out because it's familiar .

 

[Dejected 55]

You don't... and that's actually the point.

I feel like "trust" is a word and a concept that most people use wrong.

Consider...

IF I know you and know you will not hurt me... then I don't have to trust you. I KNOW you are safe and will never hurt me. It's just fact.

You choose to trust people you don't know well... or people you don't know how they will respond in a certain situation. You think you know their character enough that you decide to trust they will not hurt you. That's trust.

Thus... trust cannot be earned. Trust can only be given. I have to give trust to a stranger or to a known person in a new situation. I have to give that trust and hope it is well placed. Once I trust you enough times and you come through for me all of those times... then I no longer have to trust you. I just KNOW you are there for me.

Does that make sense?

Of course people we know and people we choose to trust can let us down... being let down by someone we know feels more like a betrayal because we thought we knew them. Being let down by someone we chose to trust hurts too, but not like betrayal more like we doubt our judgement of others and wonder why we trusted someone like that.

 

[Celerity]

I wish I knew. People are so fickle. During periods of my life when I am doing well, I tend to relax my cynicism and let people in again only to be disappointed. I'm wondering when I will finally accept what I have known to be true since I was a child: people are selfish, dishonest, and cruel.

 

[wham311]

You literally cannot.


If you tell a significant other something,rest assured they'll tell others. Especially when you're broken up.

Friends, family, social media

 

[FoxSauce]

For at first I try not to tell you much about so you can't use it later. I analyze every intention. Cuz if you sus not gonna happen

Ill try to be on my highest guard. Ofc that hasn't blown in my face cuz sometimes Im super naive but yeah.

 

[Pluto]

 

[avoid11]

The only way to trust someone is by his actions speaking over time... The problem with this is that you cant trust anybody you just met, so you have to do a leap of faith.

I have done a ton of these and continue doing them... Its very hurtful but I have no choice... Living alone is not an option, I literally would rather be dead

 

[byebyeblondie]

You don't... and that's actually the point.

I feel like "trust" is a word and a concept that most people use wrong.

Consider...

IF I know you and know you will not hurt me... then I don't have to trust you. I KNOW you are safe and will never hurt me. It's just fact.

You choose to trust people you don't know well... or people you don't know how they will respond in a certain situation. You think you know their character enough that you decide to trust they will not hurt you. That's trust.

Thus... trust cannot be earned. Trust can only be given. I have to give trust to a stranger or to a known person in a new situation. I have to give that trust and hope it is well placed. Once I trust you enough times and you come through for me all of those times... then I no longer have to trust you. I just KNOW you are there for me.

Does that make sense?

Of course people we know and people we choose to trust can let us down... being let down by someone we know feels more like a betrayal because we thought we knew them. Being let down by someone we chose to trust hurts too, but not like betrayal more like we doubt our judgement of others and wonder why we trusted someone like that.

I had never looked at it from this point of view before. This is food for thought! Thank you :).

You literally cannot.


If you tell a significant other something,rest assured they'll tell others. Especially when you're broken up.

Friends, family, social media

This I can relate to. Such a betrayal. I'm sorry you've experience this as well. People can be so horrible.

The only way to trust someone is by his actions speaking over time... The problem with this is that you cant trust anybody you just met, so you have to do a leap of faith.

I have done a ton of these and continue doing them... Its very hurtful but I have no choice... Living alone is not an option, I literally would rather be dead

I don't want to get hurt anymore. I think I would rather be dead than feel the way I feel. I hope your next leap of faith is the right one

 

[derpyderpins]

I overtrust, for sure. I give the benefit of the doubt too much. I don't really regret it, though, even when I've been burned.

I think the fact that you can never be 100% certain in the sanctity of the trust is part of the thrill.

 

[byebyeblondie]

For at first I try not to tell you much about so you can't use it later. I analyze every intention. Cuz if you sus not gonna happen

Ill try to be on my highest guard. Ofc that hasn't blown in my face cuz sometimes Im super naive but yeah.

I think is another problem I have, I over share and I don't know why. I always regret it and feel like a fool after.

I overtrust, for sure. I give the benefit of the doubt too much. I don't really regret it, though, even when I've been burned.

I think the fact that you can never be 100% certain in the sanctity of the trust is part of the thrill.

See I wish I didn't regret it. I do though, I always feel like a fool afterwards.

The not knowing scares me so much

 

[Rynalia]

I suffer from the exact opposite, ahaha.

I don't trust people, not even myself. I usually assume the worst of people and that everything is a carefully fabricated lie that could span a lifetime.

In reality, I know that's not the case at all. There are genuine articles out there... But convincing myself of that is a futile effort.

It's pretty bad being on the opposite side of the spectrum too, honestly. Wanting to get close to people but being too wary of them to ever get to a point where I feel comfortable.

I've known some people for nearly two decades and I still can't trust them even when they have a track record of being genuine for the entire time.

So rather than trust, I just set my boundaries and that's it. Anything outside of the line is whatever, I'll let it slide and just go with it. Anything on the line is subject to scrutiny. Anything on my side of the line is NG and I'll promptly cut away and leave.

Is it healthy? No, not really. It's the best I can do for now though. It's the closest I can get to trusting even though it's not even trusting at all.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I've learned to not trust anyone. That sounds cliche and "oh but you need to try". No. Been there done that. I don't think it works that way. That doesn't mean I hate people or act obviously distrustful. I don't even trust myself. People are simply not trustworthy. I think it's actually easier to go through life not expecting trust.

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

IF I know you and know you will not hurt me... then I don't have to trust you. I KNOW you are safe and will never hurt me. It's just fact.

You choose to trust people you don't know well... or people you don't know how they will respond in a certain situation. You think you know their character enough that you decide to trust they will not hurt you. That's trust.

See I wish I didn't regret it. I do though, I always feel like a fool afterwards.

The not knowing scares me so much

I think Dejected really hit the nail on the head here. Trust is inherently probabilistic and you can always be let down or betrayed. Ultimately, we need other people for us to live happy lives. I know that if you're here, that's probably extremely far away right now, but no step in that direction can be achieved alone. Of all the diverse reasons people on SaSu want to CTB, I have never once seen anyone say "ugh I can't stand being seen and accepted for who I am! I'd rather be dead than have people who support me in the ways that I need" before, though frequently the lack of exactly that brings people here. I think trust is about balancing your hope for connection and your capacity to withstand betrayal. You fear that you attract bad people and wonder how you could trust others, and yet you also deeply want for someone to love you for who you are. For someone to love you, they have to know you first, and that means there will be a length of time where you slowly go from not knowing each other to knowing each other. That takes trust, and sometimes you will be hurt.

We don't always have it in us to trust people all of the time, and the cost and benefit really aren't fair considering that trusting someone and being hurt makes it harder to try again. Trust comes in different degrees. You don't have to trust people a lot, and you don't have to trust people now. My advice is only that you don't shoot yourself in the foot when you do feel that you have the capacity to trust someone a little bit by recalling every single time you've been burnt in the past in your head to stop yourself from trying now.