How do you know when you’re truly committed to doing it?

[Mooncry]

I'm someone who struggles a lot with self discipline and actually making myself do things—even things that I know need to be done. It's a huge reason why I'm such a failure in life, but I digress.

I can't for the life of me wrap my head around the concept of being committed to doing something. Like wholeheartedly committed to where not doing said thing isn't an option. You know you're going to do it, no matter your feelings in the moment, it's set in stone. No second thoughts.

Obviously in this case I'm referring to people who decide that they're committed to CTB. Is commitment like an unmistakable sense that you just suddenly get? Or is it just something you tell yourself and believe?

I've been trying to figure it out ever since reading a post here of someone who stabbed themselves in an attempt to CTB—more than once even. They specifically mentioned in the post about how they were committed in spite of fear or hesitation, and I just don't understand… Even if you tell yourself that you're going to do something no matter what, how do you not have that voice in your head questioning if you're truly serious? How can true commitment be possible when you know you have the free will to back out? You're never "locked" into doing something, even if you tell yourself that you are.

In the week leading up to the date I'd set to die, I kept repeating over and over that I was committed. Every time doubt would creep in, I'd tell myself it didn't matter because it was going to happen anyway. Yet I feel that I never truly believed it… Clearly not because I'm still here.

Am I just over-complicating it? Is this related to poor self discipline and something I'm gonna have to work on? It's so frustrating not being able to hold myself to anything, especially when I just want this to be over already…

 

[gooblet]

if you are not committed to taking your life then don't. It's your mind's way of saying you're not ready to end your life. Instead take some time off work, meditate, relax and try and find some help. Maybe take a break from SaSu too while deciding.

 

[offbalance]

I honestly think you just know when you're committed. It just happens. Like the other person said, take care before deciding and don't pressure yourself to be committed if you're not feeling it.

 

[Mooncry]

if you are not committed to taking your life then don't. It's your mind's way of saying you're not ready to end your life. Instead take some time off work, meditate, relax and try and find some help. Maybe take a break from SaSu too while deciding.

Thank you, but I don't work and I'm technically always relaxing. I don't really know what to say other than this isn't very helpful as it doesn't answer my question, and it kind of feels condescending, especially with the "find some help" part, even if you didn't mean it that way. Not saying this to be rude or anything. But thanks anyway.

 

[Reflection]

I think that you just know when the time comes. For me the biggest deciding factor is whether I still have any hope left or not.

 

[Griever]

I don't want to kill myself impulsively, and that's why I've chosen a day where I'm going to do it so that I can better prepare for it

 

[J&L383]

I think that you just know when the time comes. For me the biggest deciding factor is whether I still have any hope left or not.

Yes, it seems there has to be a time where everything ahead looks like it's going to just get worse. There's always going to be a part that says "well maybe . . . " But at some point you go past that part. Unfortunately there's no easy answer, everyone's going to have a different approach.

 

[gooblet]

Thank you, but I don't work and I'm technically always relaxing. I don't really know what to say other than this isn't very helpful as it doesn't answer my question, and it kind of feels condescending, especially with the "find some help" part, even if you didn't mean it that way. Not saying this to be rude or anything. But thanks anyway.

sorry i didn't mean to sound like that

edit: I reread what you wrote and realise i misinterpreted what you were saying

 

[AreWeWinning]

I don't think comments like "when you're ready, you'll know it" are helpful. It's like saying to a sad person "just don't be sad", or telling someone who is afraid to "be brave". Such platitudes are meaningless from a practical point of view, because they still completely ignore the question of how. They don't give any insight into what a person who has done it or been there actually experiences in detail. If people who make such comments expanded a little bit on what they mean by "you'll know it" exactly, or how they think that can happen, that would be more helpful.

I can't for the life of me wrap my head around the concept of being committed to doing something. Like wholeheartedly committed to where not doing said thing isn't an option. You know you're going to do it, no matter your feelings in the moment, it's set in stone. No second thoughts.

For me, regarding any decision, it never feels like I'm wholeheartedly committed, or not doing it isn't an option. The doubts are always there. It's more about learning how to ignore them. This is true for bigger and smaller decisions, in general. It never feels like I know for sure I'm going to do something, because there is never a 100% certainty. It's more like I just go through the motions despite the discomfort caused by the doubt.

This might not help with the last and biggest decision of our lives, but journaling and writing things down helps a lot with smaller decisions. I write down the decision, the date, how I feel, and the fact that this is the point where I'm going to commit and ignore the doubts. Then I look back on these decisions weeks and months later, at which point I don't even understand what I was hesitant about. This makes committing during future decisions easier. It can also be gradually applied to bigger and bigger decisions. Perhaps learning about decisions this way will help me with my last decision too. (It might already have.)

Is commitment like an unmistakable sense that you just suddenly get? Or is it just something you tell yourself and believe?

It's both. It's a sudden feeling, but it doesn't feel like I'm wholeheartedly committed and have no doubts. It's more like a feeling that I've done all my research, I've really thought this over, and this is the point where I need to act. (I.e. there is no new information to be gained by thinking about it more.) Then, it becomes an exercise of ignoring the doubts and the urge to reconsider.

Even if you tell yourself that you're going to do something no matter what, how do you not have that voice in your head questioning if you're truly serious? How can true commitment be possible when you know you have the free will to back out? You're never "locked" into doing something, even if you tell yourself that you are.

I think the voice is always there. At least, for me... But the voice is not questioning whether I'm serious, it's questioning whether it's the right choice and whether there are other options. For me, true commitment means deciding to ignore that voice. With smaller decisions, it can be learned to some extent. With big decisions, it's not always easy to do.

Am I just over-complicating it? Is this related to poor self discipline and something I'm gonna have to work on? It's so frustrating not being able to hold myself to anything, especially when I just want this to be over already…

I don't think you're overcomplicating it, or maybe we both overcomplicate it – I'm not sure which one it is. I think there are a lot of people who have similar struggles with decisions, but they just go through the struggles over and over again, without trying to analyse what is really happening. And it's also true that some of it just comes down to our nature. Some people can just do stuff without overthinking it, and some people can't, because that's how they are.

There are other aspects to this, and it can be broken down further. Especially the question of how one can ignore the doubts exactly. I feel like that's where the line is on this forum, and giving actionable, practical advice on that would go against the rules.

And there are philosophical aspects as well. For example, I often think to myself that if non-existence follows, then there isn't really a way to make a wrong decision here, because we won't be there to experience the consequences. It's a wrong decision if we miss out on possible fulfilling future life experiences. But even if that happens – so what? We won't be there to experience the feeling of missing out. This doesn't really help with the process of making the decision, but it's still something I often think about.

 

[RoseGirl]

I recon once you've got whatever that dude who stabbed himself 3 times had then you're ready to die.
I just imagine one day I'll try and kill myself and my si wont stop me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think I'm going to know until I actually make a full attempt. I do feel like I know it's what I want, what I need even.

I know I don't want to continue my life as it is, I've tried multiple times to change my life in the past to feel another 'recovery' attempt will end the same way plus, I don't have the energy for another 'rebirth'. I also absolutely have to spare myself penniless old age with no support and the increasing risk of illness. So, rationally speaking, I feel like I'm all reasoned out in terms of the decision itself.

When it comes to facing the fear of actually doing it, getting over survival instinct, I just don't know how brave I'll be. It's not like I've ever done something like this before. So for me, the real proof of my commitment will be if I finally manage to go through with it. It's more like a hope for me, rather than a certainty that I'll do it.

 

[SVEN]

I guess you know you are truly committed when you actually commence the attempt. Until the act, it's just a concept of a potential act.

 

[Forveleth]

Like some other people here, I will give the apparently annoying answer of you will "feel ready". The thought of death is not scary. Thinking about yourself dying is not scary. Thinking about your method holds either no emotions or comfort with it. You accept that you are forfeiting the rest of your life and the fact that you are doing that does not have any emotional impact on you. In fact, you may even relish the idea that your life is going to end.

Basically, when death is no longer this big scary thing and killing yourself has the emotional impact of doing laundry or deciding to have soup for lunch that day. At least that is how it felt for me.

 

[ringo99]

When I've swallowed my SN drink and on the verge of passing out. I don't underestimate the power of SI. It's the reason why many attempts fail.

 

[timechained]

It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into CTB.

There's a difference between wanting to CTB and needing to CTB.

I knew I was committed when I tried my attempts because there was no doubt in my mind about trying (it was my way out), I was only thinking about them not failing. Frustratingly they failed though..

 

[Pale_Rider]

You just know. A tell is when SI starts up.