How do you even study with all that shit in your head?

[holyhorse]

I barely get out of bed everyday, and brushing teeth is already seems some sort of a hard task, especially considering that it takes 30 minutes and I do it till my teeth ache and bleed. FYI, I have contamination OCD. As I get home, I just lay down on my bed because of the chronic neck + back pain and mentally prepare for a stupid ass showering session which takes like 2 hours. I leave the bathroom exhausted and then waste half an hour to dry myself with a towel, and then.... i just lay down on bed because the neck pain gets more intense after any compulsion. As I lie on the bed, I tell myself, "I'll just rest a little bit, and then get to work", when the time is 12 AM or even 1 AM. And of course, I eventually fall asleep. I wake up all stressed, annoyed, furious, but unable to at least sit up on the bed. And this cycle just repeats, repeats, and repeats... I shall not mention how many missed assignments I have and one of the main of them is my Capstone project. You might be thinking, if I'm on this website, then I've probably been planning my CTB, then why am I even bothered about studying if Im leaving this world soon??! I have to play a good student and a good daughter so one will disturb me. I wanna spend my last weeks peacefully. I dont want anybody constantly reminding me like oohhh you havent finished this and that, how are you gonna finish this year, it ruins your gpa etc etc. Not to mention that for one particular class I got <50% because I missed half of the second semester due to mental health issues and recently I had pneumonia. I already dropped one class, which was super interesting. Dropping it hurt my ego a lot and it made me feel sad as I really enjoyed this class.

By the way, back to the "cant leave my bed". Every morning is a fucking pain the ass. If I lie on the bed for 5 minutes longer, my mom will get hysterical; she's very emotional and easily stressed + overthinks a lot. As I enter the bathroom I cant even literally stand, my knees just give up. I dont want to do this. I dont want to give in to OCD. Fuck, I got a little of the topic. So, about studying. I dont know how to describe it but I'll try my best. It's like, my writing skills were suddenly taken away? Im not sure, maybe it's also somehow related to my OCD because when I need to write something I start to think of the best fitting word choices and grammatically correct sentences. And of course, at this point I just leave the paper blank. I might have some sort of a brain fog? I cant think straight, or maybe I cant think at all. I repeat the task over and over again, don't know for what though, it'll bring no result as always. I also struggle to focus. I cant sit still. I just start fidgeting or rocking on the chair. What the fuck. There are actually a lot of stuff that I need to write down so you would get a better view of what's going on, yet I dont want to overwhelm you with such a huge amount of useless info. I've probably left some possible questions unanswered. So feel free to ask anything. Maybe I should speak out to someone; I usually dont vent. I hate venting. And it's also tiring. I could've reached my advisor; he's a wonderful person. He was the first one to know that I have OCD. He was the first one to whom I opened up. But what's gonna happen if I do that? Life's gonna get sunshine and rainbows and I will leave my CTB plan behind? I already made a conclusion that I will CTB. Fuck this life. I actually feel bad for him that some emo ass student sticked to him and now he's responsible for me. He always has my back; he literally shits with the administration when they got problems with me. Always asks the teachers to give me a second chance after I hand out to them an empty test. I'm so grateful to him yet at the same time I feel bad for him. I always think that killing myself would make everyone's life easier. Ugh, this post supposed to be a short one, but now it turned to a whole vent post. Thanks for reading allat...

 

[needwaytohell]

I am in uni rn but yeah sometimes no matter what you do your mind wouldn't lock-in honestly I don't have an answer. I trick myself to like atleast paying 100 percent attention in classes thanks to my parents paying hefty price for tuition fee alone. It guilt trips me and I like force myself to attend lectures also to pay attention I just carry a notebook every class I go and jot down notes (my notes are strictly utilitarian it looks extremely scribbled I just do it so that finals week I don't have to waste time) also preferably turn off your phone during class times. If you were alone I'd suggest you meditate and like try fixing to a schedule (I suck at it as I overthink shite before going to bed but somehow feel like I'd be paralysed or wish something evil will happen if I don't attend my lecture) for back pain sleeping without pillow helps (atleast for me). If nothing works honestly I just wait for a long weekend and like roam around in streets and observe ones who struggle get humbled and return back to work. Locking in is extremely hard and like the best trick so far I've realised is to link to economy (aka I'm burning my parents savings and not mine and I'm cursed id I don't do bare minimum). Welp even after all the efforts I pour in I find that my results are extremely bad so yeah some things won't change but hey atleast I passed .

 

[holyhorse]

I am in uni rn but yeah sometimes no matter what you do your mind wouldn't lock-in honestly I don't have an answer. I trick myself to like atleast paying 100 percent attention in classes thanks to my parents paying hefty price for tuition fee alone. It guilt trips me and I like force myself to attend lectures also to pay attention I just carry a notebook every class I go and jot down notes (my notes are strictly utilitarian it looks extremely scribbled I just do it so that finals week I don't have to waste time) also preferably turn off your phone during class times. If you were alone I'd suggest you meditate and like try fixing to a schedule (I suck at it as I overthink shite before going to bed but somehow feel like I'd be paralysed or wish something evil will happen if I don't attend my lecture) for back pain sleeping without pillow helps (atleast for me). If nothing works honestly I just wait for a long weekend and like roam around in streets and observe ones who struggle get humbled and return back to work. Locking in is extremely hard and like the best trick so far I've realised is to link to economy (aka I'm burning my parents savings and not mine and I'm cursed id I don't do bare minimum). Welp even after all the efforts I pour in I find that my results are extremely bad so yeah some things won't change but hey atleast I passed .

Thank you for your respone <3

Although I'm very particular about money, especially my parents' spending, forcing myself to study by tying it to finances probably wont work for me :(
I'm on a full-ride scholarship, so... yeah

I'll try meditating though, it might help calm my mind a bit

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I don't. I'm a dropout.

 

[holyhorse]

I don't. I'm a dropout.

Wish I could drop out as well...

 

[Ashu]

Wha

Wish I could drop out as well...

What would happen if you did? Would it really be worse than your life now?

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Wha

What would happen if you did? Would it really be worse than your life now?

I don't think that's the kind of "dropping out" they're talking about...

 

[Ashu]

I don't think that's the kind of "dropping out" they're talking about...

Oh, haha, yeah, now that you point that out. Still, I think I asked an important question.

 

[holyhorse]

Wha

What would happen if you did? Would it really be worse than your life now?

welp, i dont wanna go into details but if i drop out life would get significantly worse

I don't think that's the kind of "dropping out" they're talking about...

is there another meaning for "dropping out"? sorry, I dont quite understand, English is not my first language

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

is there another meaning for "dropping out"? sorry, I dont quite understand, English is not my first language

Well, seeing we are in a forum with the S-word, and dropping out could be interpreted as "giving up"...you can connect the dots, no?

 

[holyhorse]

Well, seeing we are in a forum with the S-word, and dropping out could be interpreted as "giving up"...you can connect the dots, no?

well, considering that my post was about studying "dropping out" in this case would mean leaving the uni

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

well, considering that my post was about studying "dropping out" in this case would mean leaving the uni

Yeah I overthink things sometimes. Sorry about that. *hugs*

 

[holyhorse]

Yeah I overthink things sometimes. Sorry about that. *hugs*

it's alright!! :)

 

[EmptyBottle]

I barely get out of bed everyday, and brushing teeth is already seems some sort of a hard task, especially considering that it takes 30 minutes and I do it till my teeth ache and bleed. FYI, I have contamination OCD. As I get home, I just lay down on my bed because of the chronic neck + back pain and mentally prepare for a stupid ass showering session which takes like 2 hours. I leave the bathroom exhausted and then waste half an hour to dry myself with a towel, and then.... i just lay down on bed because the neck pain gets more intense after any compulsion. As I lie on the bed, I tell myself, "I'll just rest a little bit, and then get to work", when the time is 12 AM or even 1 AM. And of course, I eventually fall asleep. I wake up all stressed, annoyed, furious, but unable to at least sit up on the bed. And this cycle just repeats, repeats, and repeats... I shall not mention how many missed assignments I have and one of the main of them is my Capstone project. You might be thinking, if I'm on this website, then I've probably been planning my CTB, then why am I even bothered about studying if Im leaving this world soon??! I have to play a good student and a good daughter so one will disturb me. I wanna spend my last weeks peacefully. I dont want anybody constantly reminding me like oohhh you havent finished this and that, how are you gonna finish this year, it ruins your gpa etc etc. Not to mention that for one particular class I got <50% because I missed half of the second semester due to mental health issues and recently I had pneumonia. I already dropped one class, which was super interesting. Dropping it hurt my ego a lot and it made me feel sad as I really enjoyed this class.

By the way, back to the "cant leave my bed". Every morning is a fucking pain the ass. If I lie on the bed for 5 minutes longer, my mom will get hysterical; she's very emotional and easily stressed + overthinks a lot. As I enter the bathroom I cant even literally stand, my knees just give up. I dont want to do this. I dont want to give in to OCD. Fuck, I got a little of the topic. So, about studying. I dont know how to describe it but I'll try my best. It's like, my writing skills were suddenly taken away? Im not sure, maybe it's also somehow related to my OCD because when I need to write something I start to think of the best fitting word choices and grammatically correct sentences. And of course, at this point I just leave the paper blank. I might have some sort of a brain fog? I cant think straight, or maybe I cant think at all. I repeat the task over and over again, don't know for what though, it'll bring no result as always. I also struggle to focus. I cant sit still. I just start fidgeting or rocking on the chair. What the fuck. There are actually a lot of stuff that I need to write down so you would get a better view of what's going on, yet I dont want to overwhelm you with such a huge amount of useless info. I've probably left some possible questions unanswered. So feel free to ask anything. Maybe I should speak out to someone; I usually dont vent. I hate venting. And it's also tiring. I could've reached my advisor; he's a wonderful person. He was the first one to know that I have OCD. He was the first one to whom I opened up. But what's gonna happen if I do that? Life's gonna get sunshine and rainbows and I will leave my CTB plan behind? I already made a conclusion that I will CTB. Fuck this life. I actually feel bad for him that some emo ass student sticked to him and now he's responsible for me. He always has my back; he literally shits with the administration when they got problems with me. Always asks the teachers to give me a second chance after I hand out to them an empty test. I'm so grateful to him yet at the same time I feel bad for him. I always think that killing myself would make everyone's life easier. Ugh, this post supposed to be a short one, but now it turned to a whole vent post. Thanks for reading allat...

Mmm, have you gotten assistance with easing the symptoms of OCD?

Also, I am nervous about even selecting the capstone project in case I don't do it well and make things trickier for someone who is waiting on its completion.

Hope you made a full recovery from the pneumonia.

Similar situation with the morning for me, it would be nice to say "x minutes please" and have that request fulfilled vs randomly switch between ignoring and responding. Sometimes asking for even 2 mins helps.

For me, think of writing as talking with only a few edits inbetween (eg: a little less time editing than writing). I used to struggle with writing back in years 10 to 12, tho with some assistance, I was able to learn to limit editing, and now think I can even reply more thoroughly here.

Struggling to focus could be partly due to autism or ADHD, or even the nature of the task. Confusing tasks are quite annoying tho I try to clarify them without too much delay.

As for the bus, I still have occasional thoughts about self-death wishes, tho redirect those thoughts elsewhere, to non permanent escape ideas, etc.

Glad you have someone who is caring too. Death doesn't seem to make others lives easier tho, I still miss a few users who CTBd here.

I am in uni rn but yeah sometimes no matter what you do your mind wouldn't lock-in honestly I don't have an answer. I trick myself to like atleast paying 100 percent attention in classes thanks to my parents paying hefty price for tuition fee alone. It guilt trips me and I like force myself to attend lectures also to pay attention I just carry a notebook every class I go and jot down notes (my notes are strictly utilitarian it looks extremely scribbled I just do it so that finals week I don't have to waste time) also preferably turn off your phone during class times. If you were alone I'd suggest you meditate and like try fixing to a schedule (I suck at it as I overthink shite before going to bed but somehow feel like I'd be paralysed or wish something evil will happen if I don't attend my lecture) for back pain sleeping without pillow helps (atleast for me). If nothing works honestly I just wait for a long weekend and like roam around in streets and observe ones who struggle get humbled and return back to work. Locking in is extremely hard and like the best trick so far I've realised is to link to economy (aka I'm burning my parents savings and not mine and I'm cursed id I don't do bare minimum). Welp even after all the efforts I pour in I find that my results are extremely bad so yeah some things won't change but hey atleast I passed .

For me, sometimes getting started or starting small turns into doing a reasonable amount of work (and sometimes it doesn't). Dw about the results, you've likely gone thru a long journey, and maybe did more than you initially expected you can do.