How do you deal with people who have fundamentally different values than you?

[noname223]

Because they were raised completely differently. Or they come from a different culture.

I think it is difficult to see from which side they are coming.

Most people like themselves. But I hate myself and sometimes I like people who are fundamentally different than me. But it highly depends on the issue.

There are some issues where it is simply a matter of preference. The people are not evil they just have a different taste.

But what if these people have evil traits but it is part of their violent upbringing or caused by a traumata? Or they come from a culture with different morals?

I worry so much about not being a good person recently. I self-loath me for being the person I am. I count all the things I hate. So I was in my regular patterns of self-hatred when I met a woman I texted with. I knew her from a dating app. We texted like 2 months. She had a pretty lame excuse why she did not want to meet me. We had an argument and never texted again.

I saw her in the train and I waved to her and giggled that I saw her. She was sort of condescending and looked the other way round and ignored me. I felt a little bit stupid for treating her so nicely. But I moved on.

I think other people don't care as much to be a good human. I also feel very bad for being obsessed with intelligence and education. And she was like really dismissive towards other people. In our last argument she insulted the vast majority of people of being extremely stupid and said that AI was way smarter than every single one of them. She had some really weird claims about AI and other people. Which were not only factual wrong but also showed a pretty disturbing world view.

I have to say I am not free of judgement. I speculated with my friends where she got all the money from. She was on welfare and lived a luxury lifestyle. She looked pretty good we wonder whether she had an onlyfans account or something like that.

 

[EternalHunger]

I move on as it's impossible to change someone on such foundations unless they are genuinely willing to hear, there is a reason why upbringing and childhood education is considered so important for development; it's what develops the underlying values which allows you to interpret things entirely different from other people, such as how I hold immense value towards being a 'good' person specifically due to how my mother was extremely angry towards me for ruining her life for being born and causing us to go homeless, making me more inclined to humanitarian views as I feel more responsible for how my(and in extension the world's) actions affect others and hold value to education as I watched how ignorance can utterly destroy a life from first-hand experience.

In comparison, someone with upbringing of a regular middle class family might have been able to get away with not treating others right or doing bad things as long as they didn't go too far aka deviate from the norm, which in turn makes them more likely to hold less importance towards being a 'good' person and more on just staying aligned with society as in their eyes that IS being a good person; also the reason why one is more likely to be conservative, as they will then value stability, aversion to change, responsibility being individual in nature and falsified meritocracy i.e they believe their comfort was ultimately earned entirely on their own.

 

[Dejected 55]

I think it depends on what you are talking about.

I hate mushrooms. I don't see how anyone can like to eat them, not at all. I have argued with people about this. I hate the smell, the taste, the texture. ICK!

But that's a minor thing. We don't have to go to war over it.

Then there's racism. I've posited a theory I have before as to why real racism is hard to combat, and I'll repeat it here.

I believe the true racist, at least in the US, does not see the other person as a person, much less an equal. Even the most hateful white person who is a racist can have a dog. That person loves his dog, and treats his dog well. But that person would not sacrifice his life for his dog, wouldn't hesitate to put his dog down if it becomes sick or injured and can't do what it usually does. That person might even tell you he sees his dog as family, but he will not treat that dog fully the same as he would his spouse or children. And... if you tried to talk to him about animal rights and even hint that dog might have equal rights to him? He would look at you like you were insane, he might also get offended. This is racism. The true racist in America sees the black man as no different than his dog. The black man might be useful to him, so he will pay him or acknowledge him at times.. but if you dare to say that black man is the white man's equal? You might as well tell that white man he is a dog.

I do NOT know how you get through to that kind of person. I believe in benefit of the doubt and giving people chances... but I don't think you can reasonably debate or come to mutual agreement with people who have some fundamentally different views like that.

But what do you do with such people in society?

Another example... a man is a horrible pedophile and is eventually caught after traumatizing dozens of young boys (or girls). He is sentenced to 40 years in prison. While in prison maybe he repents, maybe he doesn't, who knows... but because there's little else for him to do... while in prison he studies and learns a lot about medicine. Somewhere along the way... this man, while in prison, comes up with a cure for cancer. In my mind, maybe you can let him out of prison after 40 years maybe you can't... but I think several things are true. Even if he repents and appears to be "changed" his crimes are too horrible to ever forgive. You can never ever let that man be alone around children. You have every right to be afraid of him. But, I believe you have to thank him for curing cancer. You can't refuse the cure for cancer because it came from the most horrible kind of person, right? But you don't have to like him or want to ever be near him.

Everything is complicated. Everything has nuance. It is really hard to have blanket answers for everything, especially when humans are involved.

 

[princexhhn]

If it's online, I make good use of the block button

If it's irl, I just nod and leave

Unless the perspective is reasonable and I could learn from it, I generally just won't give a shit about it

 

[Pluto]

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think there's a difference between holding strong opinions and someone's character. So- someone could hold entirely different ideas to me but, I believe we would get along if we respected one another and, were patient with each other. And, didn't jump to conclusions about one another's character.

The problem I've found is when people have different opinions and they'll make a judgement on your character if you hold another opinion. Perhaps we're all guilty of that to an extent. We likely all have our own set of morals or whatever.

The other is if a person is overly defensive. So- they'll take any difference of opinion or even naivity as a personal slight and become aggressive in response. I'll be open to hearing and acknowledging that I've said something possibly prejudiced, unfair or even unfactual but- I won't be made to feel guilty for it if it was a genuinely innocent statement. I can't say I like forceful characters or, those who take easy offence and react- trying to guilt trip or shame.

I guess, being able to give someone the benefit of the doubt is important there. So, maybe they've/ we've said something bordering offensive. Do they/ we really believe what they/ we implied there? Did they/ we in fact mean to imply that or, have we/ they misinterpreted that?

Maybe it depends on whether we are open to seeing people more as friends or foes. I've found that certain issues can (understandably) be tetchy with people. Probably things they feel discriminated by- race, gender, sexuality.

So- someone could make a reasonably benign remark or question and, they immediately take offence. I guess then, there's an assumption there from them that the majority of people are prejudiced against them. But then, maybe we also make an assessment of them in that moment. That they are a raging feminist or, they have a chip on their shoulder or whatever else.

Beyond that, we probably both make a value assessment. How much do I need or want this other person in my life? Is it worth trying to work through our differences or, should we just try to avoid one another?

Personally though, I try to avoid those with strong opinions who vocalise them in a more aggressive or defensive way. Heated arguments are fine. Insults, shaming, guilt tripping, I don't have time for.

I'll acknowledge that possibly a lifetime of being bullied or discriminated against may make them more prickly but, I'd rather avoid conflict and bad feeling. It just makes both people feel shit I think.

 

[amerie]

Me personally I just try to keep my distance (minimal interactions only for essential purposes) and try not to reveal too much about my life to them so they don't judge or try to start an argument.

If it's needed for work or you just want something out of them, seem interested in what they're saying, don't disagree or agree, like when they're giving you an opinion be like "hm, that's really interesting, dadadadada" like follow up what they just said or repeat their statements to them. Basic charisma tricks. It'll also make them feel smart.