Venting how do I stop myself from taking a 'messy' opportunity tonight so I can do it 'right' later?

[3FailedAttemptss]

um hey guys i need help i uh i feel really really really really bad suicidal urges and i know it's weird for me to come here and ask for help to help me with my suicidal urges but i'm still in the psych ward but right now i have an opportunity to to let myself be decapitated by a train but i've been there before and it's really uncomfortable and i really don't want to do that but fighting these urges is really hard so i just want to wait until i get out of the psych ward so i can ingest sodium nitrite and i guess i just need someone to help me to fucking fight these urges tonight and be able to be like "impulsive actions isn't good" and i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i'm just scared i'm actually kind of freaking out um because i've been at the tracks and it sucks it's so scary it's so so scary

i want to kill myself i really do but i just want to do things right and i haven't even written my goodbye notes yet and i just feel this overwhelming urge to to act on the the immediate means even though i know it's not smart but we all die anyway so does it really matter fuck man

i just want sn i just want sn i just want sn that's all i want i just want to ingest sodium nitrite god i'm so pathetic chanting this to myself just to make sure i don't go to the tracks or i don't know am i being a pussy bitch feel free to encourage me to go to the train tracks and kill myself tonight

 

[orvreader]

Don't CTB at a train track, that's so uncouth! We are civilized people who catch the bus, not catch the train. But seriously don't choose an objectively worse method when you have a better method at hand!!

 

[itsgone2]

How do you have that chance if you're in the psych ward?

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Don't CTB at a train track, that's so uncouth! We are civilized people who catch the bus, not catch the train. But seriously don't choose an objectively worse method when you have a better method at hand!!

Thankyou for your kind words >w<. I needed that— sometimes I cant control myself cause of my schizophrenia and its super scary so I need something to ground myself with. But! I dont have a better method at hand, I have nothing, no SN, no source and I'm just betting I'll somehow be able to get my hands on it when Im released T-T A girl can dream! :3

How do you have that chance if you're in the psych ward?

I'll be released in the new year, so the staff are a little more relaxed with me (total misjudgment) and an opportunity to leave the ward temporarily presented itself.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Took benzos, calmed down and really hoping I can get my hands on SN when I'm released

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Just to be clear, no one is allowed to encourage anyone to ctb and if that kind of encouragement occurs, please report it.