Help How do I stop being afraid?

[venteass]

I've gone through phases for years where I've been extremely suicidal, and then a few weeks later ill be completely okay. Recently though, the urge to end things is coming back but I actually want to go through with it this time. I'm tired of feeling like this, but also for whatever reason im terrified of dying. Is this a common thing, and how do I get over it?

 

[Vlad Tepes]

I definitely relate a lot to this. I suffer from extreme moodswings and tend to be very fickle. I have periods where I couldnt ever ctb (although I am passively suicidal and have been so uninterrupted basically since I was 10), and then there are other periods where ctb is all I have on my mind. Being passively suicidal is fucking horrible because Im stuck with this feeling that the pain is perpetual because I dont have it in me to end it. So Im just stuck with these horrible thoughts that I cant put an end to. Im in one of those periods right now, actually, whereas ctb was all I had on my mind just 1 month earlier. Judging off of my experience I think I should just wait until my brain is howling for me to end it all again, which I dont assume to be very long (maybe the end of this year, beginning of the next, who knows). Now I almost have the proper things I need for SN ctb so when this "burst" of active suicidality comes, its probably going to be my last.