Help How do I get over the guilt of leaving behind my family and loved ones?

[outofthisworld2]

I am very close to my mom, she is my best friend, the person I love most in this world and the only reason I have not yet exited this world (and also the reason my past attempts have been so hard to commit + have failed) — and I fear I am the same to her.
She is a positive, happy person by nature and she has done everything in her power for the past 15+ years (since I first started being mentally ill) to keep me afloat.
I am afraid my passing would crush her, but at the same time, I do feel like my being alive weighs her down and tires her out in many aspects (emotionally, financially…). I feel like she is always worrying about me, observing me to make sure I'm okay, and ultimately left wondering when my next relapse will be. She and my dad have also spent a lot of money (like, thousands of dollars) on therapy and other medical bills over the years.
I am also worried about the impact my death would have on my boyfriend. We've been together for 4+ years and I love him, and I know he does too. I know my recent attempt was very hard on him and he begged me not to ever do it again because he couldn't bear to live through the fear of losing me once again.

The thing is: I don't want to live anymore. I cannot stand this life anymore. I feel like I've given it everything I had several times before already, and it's just not working out. I have been fighting for years against this pain, both physical and mental. I am tired; of fighting, of living. I want it all to stop, and I am determined to die. I am not scared of death anymore; in fact, I await it impatiently. I have a plan for in a few weeks and I just cannot wait to be done with life for good. I know I have to wait (for logistical reasons, i.e. being alone) but it's truly been hard to stay patient as I excitedly anticipate the end of this unbearable pain and emptiness I feel inside.

The only thing I feel I need to come to terms with to CTB peacefully is: how do I come to terms with the guilt of leaving my loved ones behind, when I know it will inevitable hurt them? Are there any ways I can include anything in my final preparations to ease their pain a little? Do you feel similarly? Has anything helped you dealing with similar guilt?

 

[Chabrychek]

My mother is also the closest person to me, and the only thing that surpasses the immense grief and guilt is the fear of losing her first, and life without her. My heart would break. What calms me down is the fact that she has a family, she has many friends so I won't leave her alone.

 

[devils~advocate]

My situation is similar, my mother has been the only person that really cares about me and hasn't betrayed me.
The other close people (romantic relationships) I currently have (spouse) and had in the past (ex-spouse) in my life have betrayed me in the worst ways....all by infidelity.
My mother was there to pick me up during those times and others when I didnt want to continue in life. I am her only child.
I learned I couldnt trust others as much as I can someone like her.
I wished I had someone in my life that did at least care for me, in a way to not hurt me in these worst ways.

She is a positive personality and always made an effort to be happy no matter the circumstances. She supported me financially with paying for my college, rent, food.....and even in times when I had a job and couldnt afford anything. She has been there for my entire life, lifting me up and encouraging me.

She is elderly now. I am way past being an adult (50+) but she still loves me as if I were still a kid.
I feel so sad what this will do to her and I hate myself for hurting her.
But I have to end myself before I see her fade away. Because then, I would truly be all alone.
Im ending myself so I dont have to see someone that cares for me, eventually leave me.
Im sorry momma...I care and love you. You are stronger than I am and ever could be. You have many people that care and love you.

 

[Dan-Star-HI]

That's a really difficult question. I think a little guilt will always be with us.

 

[snowee]

It's so difficult isn't it? I understand how you feel. It's one of the reasons why I haven't gone through with CTB yet. Sending my love <3

 

[Dan-Star-HI]

It's so difficult isn't it? I understand how you feel. It's one of the reasons why I haven't gone through with CTB yet. Sending my love <3

My God, how painful this life is.

 

[Unlucky777]

I can relate to literally everything you just said with my family. I love my family also, my relationship with them has gotten better once I moved back to Jersey. I just don't want to live anymore for reasons related to my own faults and mistakes and regrets. My dad just died, my mom is in the hospital now and I don't think I can put them through that pain but yeah despite it all I still wish for death and peace

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

Yes I feel the same but honestly, I know my siblings will be here for her. My aunts and uncles will also be there to help her through the grief so I know while the loss would be devastating on her, she will inevitably move on, just like everyone else.

It's extremely saddening to think about, but I also believe that she wouldn't want me to continue suffering in the way that I do. It would bring her peace if she knew why I had to do what I must.

 

[jackandme]

My boyfriend committed suicide half a year ago. There are a few things I wish he'd done better with his final decision.
- Leave a note. Not a super short one. Tell the people you love everything you want, and also what you think they may want to know, because once you're dead you cannot add anything. And they're going to need your words and answers like air.
- Make sure you want it 100%. He wasn't sure, there were days when he'd tell me "take this out of our house, I'm afraid I might hurt myself". On his final day he took SA and (I think) changed his mind after as he went out of the apartment to the neighbour to tell him he had poisoned himself. Knowing that he wanted to be saved and just made a mistake is very hard to bear.
- Recordings of his voice are really nice to listen to when I miss him. Make sure you leave something for them. To help them remember, as forgetting a loved one is very scary. I personally don't want to forget him, ever.

I'm not going to try to stop you. I know life can be horrible and I'm planning to ctb myself after my cats die (can't leave them alone). But I don't think that you should hear something to feel less guilty. It is an important factor in making your decision. Don't ignore it. The pain after loosing him is the greatest I've ever felt. And your loved ones are probably going to feel the same.

So you either do it, knowing the consequences and hope they'll get around or you stay with them to support them and fight through life along with them, because they too live in this horrible world.

The good thing is, one day you're going to die, suicide or not. It's not a decision to be rushed.

Hope you make the right decision for you, whatever it will be.