Venting Horrible week in psych ward

[I Me & Myself]

I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit.

Content warnings: Psychiatry, Self harm, Strangulation "Attempt" (It wasn't gonna work anyway, and I didn't really want it either)
Take care, don't make your day worse by reading this if these topics could trigger you.

context: I am in a psychiatry and have recently been moved out of observation because things are going uphill. Making discharge plans as we speak. This may not happen now.

I need routine really badly, especially when it comes to food. Recently the staff has really fucked that up.

Now, I am not a picky eater. But I need to know what I'm going to eat and it needs to be the same thing. I can order food one day in advance and I always order the same, I've been here for 6 weeks.

By now most of the staff know I am very particular when it comes to food, some even go out of their way for me. I don't expect that of anyone but I am very grateful when they do.

This morning I missed breakfast. By 2 minutes. I overslept.

Usually there is a loud bell to wake everyone up for breakfast, that wasn't there. Instead I was woken up by a nurse asking if it's fine if they drew blood for a sample. I agreed, still half asleep, and let him do his thing. I fell asleep again immediately after.

Eventually I woke up and saw the cleaning guy (He's amazing, I love this man) and we chatted a bit. He asked if I'd had breakfast yet and then smiled and told me to Hurry. So I did.

So I go to get my morning meds and ask "Hey, did you set my breakfast away so I can pick it up?"
(Usually, they will set food back if it's not picked up immediately or if someone wants to eat a bit later)
"You're a bit late for breakfast" Yeah 2 fucking minutes it's 8:17am.

The staff proceeded to offer me slices of bread, cookies and other stuff to scramble together a breakfast for me. This is incredibly nice of them but the tone was passive aggressive and I need my breakfast. Like. Mine. Two bread rolls, one slice of cheese, cream cheese, Müsli. What I have had for the past 6 weeks.

Even worse the food wagon was still RIGHT THERE. Behind a glass door. In front of the elevator. It hadn't been picked up by the food guy yet (I love him too, sweet soul who I accidentally hit with a ping pong ball once-)

Why didn't they just open the door and take out my breakfast? Well. The staff take all the leftovers and eat them in their own breakfast break. They had probably already cleaned my tablet and added it to their own breakfast in the staff room. I don't know this 100% certain but I do know they always eat the leftovers, so that's likely where my breakfast ended up.

I've been struggling to eat these past few days in general. It had gotten better but... Well. This certainly doesn't help. When lunch time came around I was asked if I was going to come eat, I said no. I usually do not eat lunch I can't, it's a different dish every day. "You didn't eat this morning either." YEAH NOT BY CHOICE. I WANTED TO. This really made me so fucking mad.

It also doesn't help that my old roommate constantly triggered my trauma for 3 days straight, which I always complained about and mentioned a lot, until they finally put us in different rooms. Only took 5 panic attacks and some self harm. Fucking hell.

It's not her fault, she is also very ill and just kept rambling. She couldn't stop, she wanted to stop. But the things she talked about were highly triggering, not to mention the constant Audio oversaturation due to talking that made me feel overwhelmed.

Case in point: I have had an awful week. And this... This Tipped the Barrel. I just fucking broke down crying on my bed over breakfast. I felt so silly but I also knew it was not the breakfast, it was this past week.

About all the times I'd picked open the injuries on my legs again and again just to see myself bleed.

So I went into the bathroom and tied the shower Cord into a noose. I have no idea why. It was so so fucking hard to put it away again. It was so difficult to take my head back out of the noose. It wouldn't work anyway. They'd realise, find me. I know that. And yet. And yet I keep fucking trying.

I'll probably talk about this with my therapist, I need to. And back into observation I go. I just want to get out of here, I want to give life a shot. And yet my head works against me. Keeps yelling. You fucking want to do it, don't you?

I didn't untie the noose yet... I probably should before someone finds it.

Partial hanging has a low success rate anyway. I'm 99% certain it won't succeed, even if I try. But that 1% is so appealing...

 

[EmptyBottle]

pls untie asap before someone finds u, to avoid delays in getting out

 

[I Me & Myself]

pls untie asap before someone finds u, to avoid delays in getting out

For some reason that is such a fucking hard thing to do. I've made it so it isn't visible if you just open the bathroom door, and my roommate also hasn't realised yet ... Some part of me wants to go back in there.

 

[EmptyBottle]

For some reason that is such a fucking hard thing to do. I've made it so it isn't visible if you just open the bathroom door, and my roommate also hasn't realised yet ... Some part of me wants to go back in there.

mmm, I feel u... cancelling an attempt that was failing was tricky and took some extra mins of hesitation.

 

[I Me & Myself]

Even if I don't succeed it feels so good when I black out for a moment...

 

[EmptyBottle]

Even if I don't succeed it feels so good when I black out for a moment...

mm, think that's what drives some ppl to play the "pass out game", tho it's played safer (eg less brain damage) with failsafes, eg with a hand that will drop if one passes out

 

[I Me & Myself]

mm, think that's what drives some ppl to play the "pass out game", tho it's played safer (eg less brain damage) with failsafes, eg with a hand that will drop if one passes out

100% and the "less brain damage" tickled a grin out of me- Less brain damage would be good. It's shift change soon, maybe that will motivate me enough to untie it (since they always check on us after shift change) ... I guess I just need to convince myself a bit more.

 

[EmptyBottle]

100% and the "less brain damage" tickled a grin out of me- Less brain damage would be good. It's shift change soon, maybe that will motivate me enough to untie it (since they always check on us after shift change) ... I guess I just need to convince myself a bit more.

untying doesn't have to be permanent (it's ofc ok if one doesn't tie themselves), tho the curiousity to see what is outside the bathroom may be slightly motivating.

 

[I Me & Myself]

GOOD NEWS

I ended up confiding in a nurse after shift change. She is the one who calmed me from my panic attacks and was very understanding. I just told her that "I have a problem" and that I'd like to show her.

I couldn't bring myself to untie the noose myself.

Somehow I managed to lead her into the bathroom and reveal the shower cord. She untied the noose, and then tried to take the cord off alltogether (she failed, it was stuck lol). This is good.

She asked me if I wanted to go back to observation, if that would make me feel safer. I answered: "No". She said okay, and then asked if I wanted to keep my laces. Since the laces don't tempt me, and I want to build trust back, I decided to keep them. Tho a nurse will make sure they are still in the shoes every hour or so.

A male colleague then came with a whole ass wrench to get that shower cord off and (jokingly) offered to disassemble everything else that would give me trouble xD

I also asked for some Seroquel, which I got. It helps a lot regarding self harm without knocking me out. I'm taking it step by step and my discharge is not ruined :]

tl;dr
I told a nurse, she took away the shower cord but let me keep my laces (Both of these were my wish). I am not back in obs, and my discharge plans still stand.
OH ANOTHER THING THAT'S GOOD
I'm still allowed to go outside into the garden alone! I was really afraid they'd take that privilege away, but they know it helps me a lot so .... Yeah I can still slip out whenever I want for 30 mins :]

 

[EmptyBottle]

GOOD NEWS

I ended up confiding in a nurse after shift change. She is the one who calmed me from my panic attacks and was very understanding. I just told her that "I have a problem" and that I'd like to show her.

I couldn't bring myself to untie the noose myself.

Somehow I managed to lead her into the bathroom and reveal the shower cord. She untied the noose, and then tried to take the cord off alltogether (she failed, it was stuck lol). This is good.

She asked me if I wanted to go back to observation, if that would make me feel safer. I answered: "No". She said okay, and then asked if I wanted to keep my laces. Since the laces don't tempt me, and I want to build trust back, I decided to keep them. Tho a nurse will make sure they are still in the shoes every hour or so.

A male colleague then came with a whole ass wrench to get that shower cord off and (jokingly) offered to disassemble everything else that would give me trouble xD

I also asked for some Seroquel, which I got. It helps a lot regarding self harm without knocking me out. I'm taking it step by step and my discharge is not ruined :]

tl;dr
I told a nurse, she took away the shower cord but let me keep my laces (Both of these were my wish). I am not back in obs, and my discharge plans still stand.
OH ANOTHER THING THAT'S GOOD
I'm still allowed to go outside into the garden alone! I was really afraid they'd take that privilege away, but they know it helps me a lot so .... Yeah I can still slip out whenever I want for 30 mins :]

indeed, good news :3

 

[I Me & Myself]

Lost going out alone privilige- I can still go outside in company of staff

Tbf it's my fault and probably better since I have been hetting intrusive thoughts about running away (I have no idea where I'd even go, it's just this urge to get out. I have nowhere to go and if I left my mother would find out because they'd ask her if she knew where I was- it's a mess)

Anyway had a new doctor today, since my main one isn't here on weekends (Obviously). I'd never talked to her before and she tried to tell me that I'm "so young", "Have so much yet to experience" and "life is worth living" and that there's "always a solution" ...

This made me more depressed. Because I have learned the hard way that there is not always a solution. That every second of my life is incredibly taxxing, and that dying would be so much easier than living. That I struggle to carry this burden and the only solution viable to me is... Giving up. That I'm a tired loser who just wants to be allowed to give up. I wish killing myself was easier. I have experienced too much. I don't want to experience any more of this. Please just let me give up.

And yet. I told them. I told them that I came close again, that I struggle. I told them and they prevented further escalation. If I truly wanted to die, I wouldn't tell them. Some part of me keeps going and I want to strangle it. But I can't.

 

[deny_conformity]

Lost going out alone privilige- I can still go outside in company of staff

Tbf it's my fault and probably better since I have been hetting intrusive thoughts about running away (I have no idea where I'd even go, it's just this urge to get out. I have nowhere to go and if I left my mother would find out because they'd ask her if she knew where I was- it's a mess)

Anyway had a new doctor today, since my main one isn't here on weekends (Obviously). I'd never talked to her before and she tried to tell me that I'm "so young", "Have so much yet to experience" and "life is worth living" and that there's "always a solution" ...

This made me more depressed. Because I have learned the hard way that there is not always a solution. That every second of my life is incredibly taxxing, and that dying would be so much easier than living. That I struggle to carry this burden and the only solution viable to me is... Giving up. That I'm a tired loser who just wants to be allowed to give up. I wish killing myself was easier. I have experienced too much. I don't want to experience any more of this. Please just let me give up.

And yet. I told them. I told them that I came close again, that I struggle. I told them and they prevented further escalation. If I truly wanted to die, I wouldn't tell them. Some part of me keeps going and I want to strangle it. But I can't.

It sounds like you want to get better, that you are crying out for help because you don't know what else to do. I think you are similar to me in that regard. You're taking the difficult path because you still believe recovery is possible.

I get regular sessions with my care coordinator (and psychiatrist) so I can vent. I think my care coordinator is worried about me but not enough that she thinks I need to have a voluntary (or involuntary) stay in a grippy socks. I'm currently less suicidal than I have been but my plans are more likely to be a success. So I'm both more and less of a concern for her. At least I'm giving her more time for us to find a solution.

Keep trying to get better, work with your MH professionals. I have made a conscious decision to never lie to mine because when I start doing that is when I am giving up on potentially getting better.

 

[I Me & Myself]

It sounds like you want to get better, that you are crying out for help because you don't know what else to do. I think you are similar to me in that regard. You're taking the difficult path because you still believe recovery is possible.

I get regular sessions with my care coordinator (and psychiatrist) so I can vent. I think my care coordinator is worried about me but not enough that she thinks I need to have a voluntary (or involuntary) stay in a grippy socks. I'm currently less suicidal than I have been but my plans are more likely to be a success. So I'm both more and less of a concern for her. At least I'm giving her more time for us to find a solution.

Keep trying to get better, work with your MH professionals. I have made a conscious decision to never lie to mine because when I start doing that is when I am giving up on potentially getting better.

I think so too. I am reaching out, desperately so. Even if I can't put a finger on why. I also have a psychotherapist here I can talk/vent to but there's a clear power dynamic of "If I say X, I will lose Y privilige". While I understand why these "priviliges"(shower cords, outside alone, a room further back, no check ins in the bathroom) are removed, it's still a Power dynamic that's hard to overcome.

I think you got it quite well in your second Paragraph. We are both giving ourselfes, and the people trying to help us, more time to find a solution.

I actually want to lie a lot. But I can't. I just can't. I feel like the part of me that truly believes I can get better is buried somewhere, and I need to get it back to the surface. Until then I'll keep buying time. Thank you.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I think so too. I am reaching out, desperately so. Even if I can't put a finger on why. I also have a psychotherapist here I can talk/vent to but there's a clear power dynamic of "If I say X, I will lose Y privilige". While I understand why these "priviliges"(shower cords, outside alone, a room further back, no check ins in the bathroom) are removed, it's still a Power dynamic that's hard to overcome.

I think you got it quite well in your second Paragraph. We are both giving ourselfes, and the people trying to help us, more time to find a solution.

I actually want to lie a lot. But I can't. I just can't. I feel like the part of me that truly believes I can get better is buried somewhere, and I need to get it back to the surface. Until then I'll keep buying time. Thank you.

u can ask them about obligations (eg what they are required to do upon hearing certain things) and work from there. Explaining the deeper reasons and working from there may be helpful.

Remember, u can choose what to say, including mentioning the wish to get better.

 

[deny_conformity]

I think so too. I am reaching out, desperately so. Even if I can't put a finger on why. I also have a psychotherapist here I can talk/vent to but there's a clear power dynamic of "If I say X, I will lose Y privilige". While I understand why these "priviliges"(shower cords, outside alone, a room further back, no check ins in the bathroom) are removed, it's still a Power dynamic that's hard to overcome.

I think you got it quite well in your second Paragraph. We are both giving ourselfes, and the people trying to help us, more time to find a solution.

I actually want to lie a lot. But I can't. I just can't. I feel like the part of me that truly believes I can get better is buried somewhere, and I need to get it back to the surface. Until then I'll keep buying time. Thank you.

I think an important part for recovery is being honest. You are "losing" privileges because they are trying to keep you safe. It is a power dynamic but nothing malicious about it. You just need to keep showing you are trustworthy and aren't a danger to yourself (or at risk of absconding).

I was originally released into the care of my mom, that lasted about eight months and then I walked out of her house and haven't spoken to her since. My mental health was just getting progressively worse living with her. I wouldn't say it's better now but at least it isn't getting worse.

I'm not an acute danger to myself at the moment, though I definitely can't be trusted with more than a week of medication or trust myself with SN (hence not trying to source it). Putting up little barriers is mostly what is keeping me safe. I feel like you are doing the same in different way.

 

[I Me & Myself]

u can ask them about obligations (eg what they are required to do upon hearing certain things) and work from there. Explaining the deeper reasons and working from there may be helpful.

Remember, u can choose what to say, including mentioning the wish to get better.

Well I do know their obligations and they are doing a genuinely good job at transparency! I was also offered a concrete plan like - If I drink enough water/eat well I will automatically regain certain things. But that just encouraged me to lie, so we scrapped it...

It's not an unsolvable problem - But I just need to get a little push in the right direction from somewhere. Somewhere in my real life. I'll keep looking for it and self reflecting.

Your responsea have genuinely been helpful and I appreciate them a lot, y'know? Thank you.

I think an important part for recovery is being honest. You are "losing" privileges because they are trying to keep you safe. It is a power dynamic but nothing malicious about it. You just need to keep showing you are trustworthy and aren't a danger to yourself (or at risk of absconding).

I was originally released into the care of my mom, that lasted about eight months and then I walked out of her house and haven't spoken to her since. My mental health was just getting progressively worse living with her. I wouldn't say it's better now but at least it isn't getting worse.

I'm not an acute danger to myself at the moment, though I definitely can't be trusted with more than a week of medication or trust myself with SN (hence not trying to source it). Putting up little barriers is mostly what is keeping me safe. I feel like you are doing the same in different way.

Wait actually yes we do the same thing! The shower Cord being taken away upon my request is just like you not sourcing SN! :]

I view it like - The barrier to kill myself is low. If I could I would. So I just actively prevent situations where I could! That's why I'm here, and not at home. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's found this coping Strategie. I always viewed it as rather flimsy, so this is incredibly encouraging.

Also I can relate to the bit with your mother. Same here. At least it's not actively getting worse now. Honestly most of recovery is just a Plateau of doing the same until you make a tiny step forward again. It's not linear, never will be. Which is a hard pill for me to swallow.

Thank you, again.

 

[deny_conformity]

Wait actually yes we do the same thing! The shower Cord being taken away upon my request is just like you not sourcing SN! :]

I view it like - The barrier to kill myself is low. If I could I would. So I just actively prevent situations where I could! That's why I'm here, and not at home. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's found this coping Strategie. I always viewed it as rather flimsy, so this is incredibly encouraging.

Also I can relate to the bit with your mother. Same here. At least it's not actively getting worse now. Honestly most of recovery is just a Plateau of doing the same until you make a tiny step forward again. It's not linear, never will be. Which is a hard pill for me to swallow.

All I can say is keep trying to get better. I'm not an expert on recovery, far from it. The best I can offer is I'm an expert on repressing my own suicidal urges until they are overwhelming.

My last care coordinator made me think recovery is possible. So I'm trying for her, find your reason... preferably not a person because they will let you down.

 

[I Me & Myself]

They fucked up my breakfast again. This time, there was straight up nothing on my plate. In the food System on their pc it revealed that nothing was ever ordered for me.

And this after a night where I tried to strangulate myself again (I did get help for that! I told them what I was doing and they took the necessary measures so that's good. Semi good.)

... Like I said. Autism be autisming. I can not eat anything but what I expect to eat. How the fuck did this happen? I'm down to 40kg.

 

[deny_conformity]

They fucked up my breakfast again. This time, there was straight up nothing on my plate. In the food System on their pc it revealed that nothing was ever ordered for me.

And this after a night where I tried to strangulate myself again (I did get help for that! I told them what I was doing and they took the necessary measures so that's good. Semi good.)

... Like I said. Autism be autisming. I can not eat anything but what I expect to eat. How the fuck did this happen? I'm down to 40kg.

That's bullshit, I can't believe they could get it so wrong for you!

I get human error but surely they are making an effort due to your weight issue? You're making extra effort to be safe, could they not make the effort to keep you healthy?

 

[EmptyBottle]

They fucked up my breakfast again. This time, there was straight up nothing on my plate. In the food System on their pc it revealed that nothing was ever ordered for me.

And this after a night where I tried to strangulate myself again (I did get help for that! I told them what I was doing and they took the necessary measures so that's good. Semi good.)

... Like I said. Autism be autisming. I can not eat anything but what I expect to eat. How the fuck did this happen? I'm down to 40kg.

Did you ask what happened to the breakfast?

If I may ask, how tall are u? I'm around 1.6m or so (and ~54kg)

 

[I Me & Myself]

That's bullshit, I can't believe they could get it so wrong for you!

I get human error but surely they are making an effort due to your weight issue? You're making extra effort to be safe, could they not make the effort to keep you healthy?

It *is* bullshit, but I think I know what happened...

The way it works; is they input what you want the day prior. There are categories of main dish, side dish, snack. I asked to have my snack replaced with an Apple. Well. Today I only got an Apple. Whoever did this must have accidentally deleted my usual order....

It's still insane no one saw anything wrong with it?! Up until this morning?! Oh yeah, Mr. I Me and Myself is underweight and ordered nothing. That's fine.

Once again they did offer me other food, but sadly the food that I ordered isn't something they have in Stock up here on the station.

Did you ask what happened to the breakfast?

If I may ask, how tall are u? I'm around 1.6m or so (and ~54kg)

I asked and got a "Well. I don't know." (In her defense she couldn't have known, she didn't take my orders these last few days or anything.)

I'm roughly the same height as you, a little taller. It's an issue I'm working on - But it's icky right now because I take a medication that lowers appetite as a side effect...

 

[deny_conformity]

It *is* bullshit, but I think I know what happened...

The way it works; is they input what you want the day prior. There are categories of main dish, side dish, snack. I asked to have my snack replaced with an Apple. Well. Today I only got an Apple. Whoever did this must have accidentally deleted my usual order....

It's still insane no one saw anything wrong with it?! Up until this morning?! Oh yeah, Mr. I Me and Myself is underweight and ordered nothing. That's fine.

Once again they did offer me other food, but sadly the food that I ordered isn't something they have in Stock up here on the station.

I asked and got a "Well. I don't know." (In her defense she couldn't have known, she didn't take my orders these last few days or anything.)

I'm roughly the same height as you, a little taller. It's an issue I'm working on - But it's icky right now because I take a medication that lowers appetite as a side effect...

It kind of makes sense but I feel like they need to be treating you like they would someone with an eating disorder and making sure you are eating (even if your diet is very specific). Would they do the same to someone with anorexia?

What is this magical medication that lowers appetite? I need to get my psychiatrist to prescribe it for me

 

[I Me & Myself]

It kind of makes sense but I feel like they need to be treating you like they would someone with an eating disorder and making sure you are eating (even if your diet is very specific). Would they do the same to someone with anorexia?

What is this magical medication that lowers appetite? I need to get my psychiatrist to prescribe it for me

Funny Story I do also have anorexia lol

The medication I take is methylphenidate aka Ritalin - It doesn't have this side effect for everyone. I can mail you some haha /j
Oh my fucking god I just asked a nurse to double check my order again (After being reassured everything was in order this morning) and the order was wrong. Like straight up totally wrong.

Thank god I insisted on double and triple checking, now my order is put in correctly...

 

[deny_conformity]

Funny Story I do also have anorexia lol

The medication I take is methylphenidate aka Ritalin - It doesn't have this side effect for everyone. I can mail you some haha /j
Oh my fucking god I just asked a nurse to double check my order again (After being reassured everything was in order this morning) and the order was wrong. Like straight up totally wrong.

Thank god I insisted on double and triple checking, now my order is put in correctly...

If I wanted Ritalin I could nab some of my son's prescription . I don't think an amphetamine on top of my bipolar would be a sensible idea (I don't need a lot of energy on top of severe depression).

You'd think they'd be making more of an effort to make sure the person with an eating disorder was you know... eating. At least you made sure they got things right for tomorrow.

I wish I could give you 5 of my extra kg of body weight (though as muscle, not fat ). I've got the middle age spread and lack of ability to shift it .

 

[I Me & Myself]

If I wanted Ritalin I could nab some of my son's prescription . I don't think an amphetamine on top of my bipolar would be a sensible idea (I don't need a lot of energy on top of severe depression).

You'd think they'd be making more of an effort to make sure the person with an eating disorder was you know... eating. At least you made sure they got things right for tomorrow.

I wish I could give you 5 of my extra kg of body weight (though as muscle, not fat ). I've got the middle age spread and lack of ability to shift it .

Haha I'd take 5 kg off you any moment o7
It's been an uphill climb, but I've thankfully improved a lot. If you ever find a way to shift it, please do let me know! I heard deals with the devil are very popular in this Zeitgeist.

I'm actually feeling quite well right now. For the first time I was completely honest and have truly nothing left to hurt myself with. Only took 2 months... Being honest was the right call. I feel a lot better.

 

[deny_conformity]

Haha I'd take 5 kg off you any moment o7
It's been an uphill climb, but I've thankfully improved a lot. If you ever find a way to shift it, please do let me know! I heard deals with the devil are very popular in this Zeitgeist.

I'm actually feeling quite well right now. For the first time I was completely honest and have truly nothing left to hurt myself with. Only took 2 months... Being honest was the right call. I feel a lot better.

I think eating healthy and exercise is where I need to go. Me and my housemate are just eating all the Christmas party food before the new year diet starts . I guess when I move into my own place I won't be able to afford to eat so the problem will solve itself .

I'm glad you're feeling better, just focus on what is getting you there and keep healing. I don't think you ever get free of ideation when you've seriously considered it your only option. You can just drown out the intrusive thoughts with positive ones (or loud angry music like I do, I just focus on the music and lyrics and make them my thoughts).

 

[I Me & Myself]

I've been using this thread as a means of venting and journaling my psych ward experience, and this is a continuation of that.

I want to preface this by saying none of this vent is an accusation.
I alone am responsible for my actions, and I am also responsible for handling my feelings. I'm not responsible for my (intrusive) thoughts, but neither are any of the people I mention here.

I've been trying to strangle myself to various different means. Naturally, this makes the staff here consider me at a high risk.
I can almost 100% confirm I will not kill myself. I know I can not kill myself. But having the wish to kill myself and trying futile actions out of desperation ... Could kill me. It won't though. The chance is just so infinitely small you can't even imagine it, making it infinitely close to 100%. But that's not enough. I need to give them a 100%.

As a consequence of this, they've been having me sleep in the hallway so they can keep an eye on me. A 1:1 is not quite necessary, so they don't do it. They just keep me in a place where I can't hide to do something stupid.

I am in an acute, locked, psychiatric ward. It is very loud here. At times, it's actually rather quiet. But around noon it gets loud. The staff always talks, the patients wander the very hallway my bed is in and the day room. The hallway and dayroom are my only "retreats" and they are both very loud.

There is a Lady here who has (unknowingly and even unwillingly) been triggering trauma and general panic in me. This is a common occurence now. I can't escape her. The staff always try to look out but... It's simply not possible to always avoid her. And I am tired of always switching rooms when she does.

I've talked to the head doctor today and told him I'm severely depressed right now, that I don't know what's caused this and I just want to get out of the noise.

He said he was ... Worried? The word he used is not translatable to English. He was negatively surprised, incredibly worried and disturbed by my actions (trying to strangle myself). And made me keep sleeping in the hallway, saying we'll have to take it day by day. He did allow me my outside time - Which is very important!! - So that's good. But....

He was worried, surprised, disturbed... Ok, cool? I wasn't feeling any of that until he said it. Why the fuck does it matter how it makes *him* feel? I'm the one who fucking wants to die, who wants this all to be over so I can just-

"There is always a solution"

Anyway had a new doctor today, since my main one isn't here on weekends (Obviously). I'd never talked to her before and she tried to tell me that I'm "so young", "Have so much yet to experience" and "life is worth living" and that there's "always a solution" ...

Maybe saying that to someone who considers suicide a valid solution is not very helpful. Fuck.

Like I said I am not mad at these people for being human, for having emotions and clearly very earnestly want to help me. I am mad, however, at this circumstance. I am mad that I feel the way I do and that these people couldn't have known any better. I am mad at myself, for some reason.
Maybe not mad. Frustrated. I am incredibly frustrated that I'm seemingly not getting better.

But that's wrong. I *am* getting better. I did give up all the tools I used to self harm. I did finally tell them of my repeated attempts. I am getting better at taking responsibility for myself, at approaching the staff.

As I was typing this up, a nurse approached me. My bed is being moved back to my room. He realised how bad I was doing and disagreed with the head doctor, causing another doctor to evaluate this and... Yep I can go back to my room. It's surveyed by cameras so I'm not like, out of sight our of mind of the staff. But it is so much better. I'm very grateful.

 

[I Me & Myself]

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Crashed out yesterday, I'm essentially constantly crashing out. BUT Diazepam does wonderd for me. I just gotta be stabile for 4 days for a Transfer....

 

[I Me & Myself]

also. Yesterday I pressed the call Button in the bathroom because I couldn't stop self harming ...

nurses obv came

"Thank god you're still alive."

That did something to me. but idk what yet.