Venting holy shit, what happened to me?

[underscore]

a little pre-rant background: we are a did system. i (call me TM) have been dormant for a while now. since then a lot has changed, mostly in our lifestyle.

now for the long version. what happened? i lost everything since letting go of the wheel. i lost my friends, my partners, skills, hobbies, interests, any and all fucking self-respect. i cant believe i let this happen to us, weve become completely fucking useless. i feel in part responsible for the way we turned out. i had years of fronting and at least one year of hosting to get my shit together, if not for myself then for the rest of us, and i couldnt even do that much. all i had to fucking do was survive. we were so close to escaping. but here i am still living like a caged animal. is this what i get for all those fuck-ups? my personal hell? i feel filthy, this place is filthy. i wissh it was as easy as killing myself just to reincarnate and start again, but i know that cant happen considering im electricity in someone else's brain and nothing more. i dont know if ive ever been so self-loathing as this. i hope a truck hits me the next time i leave my house

-TM