Venting holding onto happiness like a ticking bomb because i know i don't deserve it anyway

[SatinSoul]

It is a very strange, jarring paradox to finally feel genuine happiness while simultaneously feeling more completely lost than I have in a very, very long time. For years, my only objective was just existing, too afraid to think even of the next day ahead. I was operating on the absolute certainty that I wouldn't have a future, so I never bothered to plan for one. Now, suddenly, my life is actually heading in the right direction. I have found things that anchor me here, things that make me genuinely happy to be alive, and I am deeply, profoundly grateful for them.

But waking up to that reality feels exactly like coming out of a ten-year coma. And worse, I am so completely terrified that this whole thing is just an illusion of happiness waiting to shatter at any second. My brain simply cannot accept that I am allowed to have this or that I actually deserve anything good in life. When I am so used to everything being a threat, holding onto something beautiful just feels like holding a ticking bomb. This can't be real. I don't deserve being even temporarily happy. The world has made sure I am aware of that all my life.

Everyone tells me that things getting better are supposed to feel like relief. In reality it is just fucking terrifying. I am stumbling around completely aimless, standing in a life I didn't even want but am thankful to have as well now?! If I move on and actually live this life, it feels like I am disregarding every awful, horrific thing that happened to me. Like I am just supposed to forget the trauma and pretend it didn't completely destroy me. Healing almost feels like a betrayal to the version of me that had to endure all of that pain.

I never prepared for this, and the pressure of that is suffocating. I want this happiness, but I don't know how to navigate existence. I still have a billion problems in my life to worry about. I always figured I wouldn't actually have to tackle them, but I am now standing before this mountain range of problems with no way out. I don't even want out, but at the same time I do. I feel stuck between happiness and existential dread all while beating myself up for not being thankful enough. Why am I not completely happy? Why am I expecting anything good in my life to just be a trap? Why am I even bitching about that on here now?
I think I am losing it completely now.

 

[mjolnir]

When someone who has lived in safety mode for a long time finds a safe place, it's common for the brain to still recognize this new environment in the way you've been before, as a protective mechanism.
Healing definitively doesn't erase what happened; healing is proof that you survived what happened. The suffering version doesn't need to be permanently in deep pain to be valid. It exists, it's part of you, but it's not all that you are.
You don't need to solve your entire life at once or feel perfectly happy; the most important thing is to walk slowly, allow small moments of well-being, and remember that moving forward doesn't erase or betray what you survived.

 

[U. A.]

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