Venting Hi there, life update

[deepsweetdiver]

Huh...huh. That's how life has been for me. I hate being a woman, but I dont want to be a man. I want to get better and have a good life, but I also want to die as soon as possible. Life feels horrible, but then I still have some hope of getting better. But then I feel like garbage for being ungrateful, I live in the US, have a roof, clothes, whatever food, water, tv, games, books, pool, the things I want and need, but everything feels negative, the world keeps spinning but people keep on suffering and getting bombed and dying and EVERYTHING. If thats just how the world is why shouldn't everyone skip it immediately and ctb as fast as they can?

Like...is there a way to put myself into a coma for a few years? Can I just skip some stuff and see what changes? If I wake up and nothing is better can I just pull the plug? I have so much hope for things getting better but its been like that for years and it never does. I dont contribute to my town, my city, my state, my country, anything. I do nothing for other people. I just suck all their happiness out because my axons and dendrites didnt want to fire correctly.

I was out on a walk yesterday and right outside my street is a little creek that leads into a pretty big forest. Its surprisingly calm and not many bugs are there. I was thinking of hanging myself there, and maybe the long walk and having to pick out a good tree would help me get me get my nerves down. I was thinking of waiting until winter instead of August like I planned, so wearing a big jacket with stuff inside of it wouldnt look too silly.

I'm still adamant about me killing myself. It is literally the only way I will let myself go out of this world. I will not let myself die of old age. I'm taking my life by my own hands so people can see how I have truly suffered like a prisoner in my own head.

 

[concession]

I'm taking my life by my own hands so people can see how I have truly suffered like a prisoner in my own head.

People do not care. If we do not count family, you will get "oh, that poor guy" from your friends, maybe some will come to your funeral, but next day they will probably go watch a standup show or whatever and get on with their lives. Some will probably start cracking jokes about you in a month or so.

How many time you spend thinking about "prisoners in their own head" that killed themselves (I assume you are not a celebrity so do not count celebrities obviously) ?

Do not take this personally please, I do not critisize you nor encourage you to do anything, but be reall at least.

 

[deepsweetdiver]

People do not care. If we do not count family, you will get "oh, that poor guy" from your friends, maybe some will come to your funeral, but next day they will probably go watch a standup show or whatever and get on with their lives. Some will probably start cracking jokes about you in a month or so.

How many time you spend thinking about "prisoners in their own head" that killed themselves (I assume you are not a celebrity so do not count celebrities obviously) ?

Do not take this personally please, I do not critisize you nor encourage you to do anything, but be reall at least.

I get what you're saying. I understand a lot of people are able to get over with grief but I do have some friends of family who've ctb or just random people online, and no I dont really think about them 24/7, it's just a thought in my head. My main thought isn't really missing them because I'm not close to any of them, its mainly wondering how bad did they have to feel to take their own life.

I'm a more emotional person so I do think about how did that person feel when they killed themselves, but I do agree most people just have the thought process of poor guy and move on.