Hello! good bye?

[aRose]

Hello, Im "Rose" and I just got approved for an account but I've been skimming the forum for a while now.
I've been suicidal since shortly after being diagnosed with JRA at age 7. I've suffer nothing but pain and abuses my entire life. I thought I was getting better (medically and mentally) but then in 2021 I got vagus nerve damage from a routine surgery and my life has been ripped away from me. I've fought and tried and failed to find relief in the years that followed and now I'm without any family at all and nowhere to live soon. Admittedly over the past 3 months or so I've pushed everyone away because I know what I'm about to do.

I've attempted legitimately twice - once at 17 with whatever otc crap was in the house. I felt at peace in that moment but obviously it didn't work. Just pissed my mom off. No therapy was had - just left in my room to bed rott after.

Then again around 20 I tried to slit my wrists but couldn't go deep enough. That was just pathetic really. I was homeless at the time so the hospital was at least a warm and clean space for a nap.

I'm considering several methods currently. I bought a gun but guns kinda freak me out. I shot it into a mattress to see how the exit wound would be. The idea of using hollow points and having half my head blown off doesn't feel ok to me.

I'm collecting medications also. All I have a lot of is propranolol which I've heard you need like 5g to OD on and it'll take months to get that colkected.

Now I'm learning to tie knots lol

I'm exploring all the theories but I keep talking myself out of one or the other but always keeping the old ideas on the back burner.

I was considering the KN method but I'm unsure how to source the poison. I have a script of reglan waiting for me at the pharmacy. I also have a large supply of propranolol and zofran (ondansetron) but nothing lethal yet. Is it reversible like SN?

I guess the part that worries me most is the visual results - blue face and such. I'd like to have an open casket.

I'm also toying with the ligature method hence the knot practice - I've ordered small bean bags to press against my arteries and some drawstring cord similar to my hoodie cord I've practiced with. I have heard this leaves behind the least obvious damage. I do have a ratchet strap already but I'm not sure which would be easier for me ultimately - thin cord and knots or ratchet strap? Idk. I do know the feeling of *almost* passing out from this style method and it does feel nice at least. A fun buzz before fainting.

I guess I'm exhibiting the Typical suicidal female stuff - wanting to leave behind a beautiful corpse and no mess.

I've also considering going downtown and just slamming a bunch of heroin but I don't want to end up labeled a disgraceful junky-overdose. I've been off hard drugs since my early 20s but ppl will gossip ya know?

I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss cremation arrangements. Don't think I can afford pre-paying but I'd like to get more info so I can at least write down all my requests and give locations and names for contact after I'm gone.

I also did a half-assed will but I own nothing really. Just a bank account with my SSDI deposits. My soon to be ex husband made sure of that. I've been emotionally and financially abused by him for a decade.

I moved all my sentimental stuff to a storage unit so ppl can sort through it when they're ready. Nothing of value to anyone but me really. I really have no assets to speak of.

I've written the obituary and the funeral pamphlet. Also the CTB note for whoever finds me.

I also ordered my funeral dress. hoping it arrives early.

I have the house to myself at this moment though so I'm trying to use what little energy I have to prepare. I'm really very physically sick but some days I can manage. My health waxes and wanes but it's progressively worsening and incurable and a lifetime of chronic illness experience has shown me what life will be like in the few short years to come. Any chance of finding joy and fun while still alive has been taken. I can't even enjoy food without pain. Hunger hurts less. Travel isn't affordable or comfortable. There's nothing left but bed rotting and living off $750/m SSDI.

I was even considering the starvation method due to my gastroparesis becuase I'm already down 20 pounds and barely eating at all so it's not such a stretch.. but that takes too long. I figure if I drop weight maybe less medication or poison would be needed so it's an overlap I'm ok with.

My birthday is on the 30th. But there's something important for SSDI I need to accomplish on March 5 (applying for my child to get dependent back pay from SSDI so I can at least leave behind some cash for her) so I'm trying my best to get everything arranged but damn it's hard to hold on.

I'll keep reading and learning here until I can come to terms with a method and a date.

 

[realname]

I truly hope you are able to find a method. I'm wondering if I could possibly use your gun? It would help me out a lot as I can't access one but know this could be inappropriate to ask , I'm that desperate though. I hope to not offend you by asking.

 

[aRose]

L

I truly hope you are able to find a method. I'm wondering if I could possibly use your gun? It would help me out a lot as I can't access one but know this could be inappropriate to ask , I'm that desperate though. I hope to not offend you by asking.

Lol No I'm not offended. It's under my bed right now with a magazine ready. It was surprisingly easy to get as I live in a gun loving USA state. Background passed becuase I've only ever VOLUNTEERED for psych admission. But it took like 3-4 days. Those were very anxious days but when I got my hands on it I felt such relief. I figured I'd put it in a secret place just in case my first attempt fails.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the relief from suffering you search for.

 

[aRose]

Hoping it fits. I never got a "real wedding" so I figured a wedding-like dress would be nice. I'd really like to try it on before I go.

I hope you find the relief from suffering you search for.

Thank you. So far I've just been chain smoking and watching movies to keep my mind busy. I haven't smoked cigs in like 11 years until this past month.
Keeps the intrusive thoughts at bay while I plan. I did Substance Abuse Counseling training a while back and learned that's the main psychological benefit of nicotine so I consider it self-care

I think I've watch What Dreams May Come about 5 times now. Always gets to me. But I know there's no soulmate who will save me.
I console myself with the fact that no one knows what cones after. I'd be happy with just darkness and no pain no thought just nothingness lol

 

[Dan-Star-HI]

I hope you can find some peace

 

[UnoX48]

I have also been dealing with chronic pain for 12 years now. My time will soon come as well. You are still very lucky to have access to firearms in the United States. Good luck to you and may everything go as you wish.

 

[aRose]

I have also been dealing with chronic pain for 12 years now. My time will soon come as well. You are still very lucky to have access to firearms in the United States. Good luck to you and may everything go as you wish.

I feel kinda silly throwing away the easier route but ugh I don't want a bloody mess

 

[Echo]

Theres many different methods, but hard to pick the right one. Chronic pain must be awful sorry your suffering. I hope you find the site helpful.

 

[aRose]

Theres many different methods, but hard to pick the right one. Chronic pain must be awful sorry your suffering. I hope you find the site helpful.

I used to think chronic pain was bad when I had 1 disease trying to kill me. Now I've got 2 and the pain is beyond. And the second disease took away treatment a for the first so I'm double (triple?) screwed.

 

[madameviolette]

What kind of gun did you buy ?

 

[aRose]

What kind of gun did you buy ?

9mm handgun from the pawn shop - was all I could afford

 

[madameviolette]

9mm handgun from the pawn shop - was all I could afford

Does a 9mm blows your head in half ?

 

[OzymandiAsh]

Hi Rose!!! You seem lovely. I did the storage thing too. You are probably the most prepared person to die ever, ordering your own funeral dress and such, lol.

I envy you for having a gun, like another poster said, to be honest. You don't have to shoot your head if you are conscious of the corpse appearance - you could shoot your heart, or even your femoral artery if you can locate it properly, etc., such wounds could be covered up while an open casket would still be possible.

All the best. Hope you find the peace you deserve.

 

[primadonna_]

Hello, Im "Rose" and I just got approved for an account but I've been skimming the forum for a while now.
I've been suicidal since shortly after being diagnosed with JRA at age 7. I've suffer nothing but pain and abuses my entire life. I thought I was getting better (medically and mentally) but then in 2021 I got vagus nerve damage from a routine surgery and my life has been ripped away from me. I've fought and tried and failed to find relief in the years that followed and now I'm without any family at all and nowhere to live soon. Admittedly over the past 3 months or so I've pushed everyone away because I know what I'm about to do.

I've attempted legitimately twice - once at 17 with whatever otc crap was in the house. I felt at peace in that moment but obviously it didn't work. Just pissed my mom off. No therapy was had - just left in my room to bed rott after.

Then again around 20 I tried to slit my wrists but couldn't go deep enough. That was just pathetic really. I was homeless at the time so the hospital was at least a warm and clean space for a nap.

I'm considering several methods currently. I bought a gun but guns kinda freak me out. I shot it into a mattress to see how the exit wound would be. The idea of using hollow points and having half my head blown off doesn't feel ok to me.

I'm collecting medications also. All I have a lot of is propranolol which I've heard you need like 5g to OD on and it'll take months to get that colkected.

Now I'm learning to tie knots lol

I'm exploring all the theories but I keep talking myself out of one or the other but always keeping the old ideas on the back burner.

I was considering the KN method but I'm unsure how to source the poison. I have a script of reglan waiting for me at the pharmacy. I also have a large supply of propranolol and zofran (ondansetron) but nothing lethal yet. Is it reversible like SN?

I guess the part that worries me most is the visual results - blue face and such. I'd like to have an open casket.

I'm also toying with the ligature method hence the knot practice - I've ordered small bean bags to press against my arteries and some drawstring cord similar to my hoodie cord I've practiced with. I have heard this leaves behind the least obvious damage. I do have a ratchet strap already but I'm not sure which would be easier for me ultimately - thin cord and knots or ratchet strap? Idk. I do know the feeling of *almost* passing out from this style method and it does feel nice at least. A fun buzz before fainting.

I guess I'm exhibiting the Typical suicidal female stuff - wanting to leave behind a beautiful corpse and no mess.

I've also considering going downtown and just slamming a bunch of heroin but I don't want to end up labeled a disgraceful junky-overdose. I've been off hard drugs since my early 20s but ppl will gossip ya know?

I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss cremation arrangements. Don't think I can afford pre-paying but I'd like to get more info so I can at least write down all my requests and give locations and names for contact after I'm gone.

I also did a half-assed will but I own nothing really. Just a bank account with my SSDI deposits. My soon to be ex husband made sure of that. I've been emotionally and financially abused by him for a decade.

I moved all my sentimental stuff to a storage unit so ppl can sort through it when they're ready. Nothing of value to anyone but me really. I really have no assets to speak of.

I've written the obituary and the funeral pamphlet. Also the CTB note for whoever finds me.

I also ordered my funeral dress. hoping it arrives early.

I have the house to myself at this moment though so I'm trying to use what little energy I have to prepare. I'm really very physically sick but some days I can manage. My health waxes and wanes but it's progressively worsening and incurable and a lifetime of chronic illness experience has shown me what life will be like in the few short years to come. Any chance of finding joy and fun while still alive has been taken. I can't even enjoy food without pain. Hunger hurts less. Travel isn't affordable or comfortable. There's nothing left but bed rotting and living off $750/m SSDI.

I was even considering the starvation method due to my gastroparesis becuase I'm already down 20 pounds and barely eating at all so it's not such a stretch.. but that takes too long. I figure if I drop weight maybe less medication or poison would be needed so it's an overlap I'm ok with.

My birthday is on the 30th. But there's something important for SSDI I need to accomplish on March 5 (applying for my child to get dependent back pay from SSDI so I can at least leave behind some cash for her) so I'm trying my best to get everything arranged but damn it's hard to hold on.

I'll keep reading and learning here until I can come to terms with a method and a date.

I hope you find peace and I wish the best for you and your child <3

 

[liza]

Yo, message me before you go. Can I talk to u ????

View attachment 192691
Hoping it fits. I never got a "real wedding" so I figured a wedding-like dress would be nice. I'd really like to try it on before I go.

Thank you. So far I've just been chain smoking and watching movies to keep my mind busy. I haven't smoked cigs in like 11 years until this past month.
Keeps the intrusive thoughts at bay while I plan. I did Substance Abuse Counseling training a while back and learned that's the main psychological benefit of nicotine so I consider it self-care

I think I've watch What Dreams May Come about 5 times now. Always gets to me. But I know there's no soulmate who will save me.
I console myself with the fact that no one knows what cones after. I'd be happy with just darkness and no pain no thought just nothingness lol

Yes the dress is adorable. But can u talk to me first? It's more edgy if u don't

 

[aRose]

Hi Rose!!! You seem lovely. I did the storage thing too. You are probably the most prepared person to die ever, ordering your own funeral dress and such, lol.

I envy you for having a gun, like another poster said, to be honest. You don't have to shoot your head if you are conscious of the corpse appearance - you could shoot your heart, or even your femoral artery if you can locate it properly, etc., such wounds could be covered up while an open casket would still be possible.

All the best. Hope you find the peace you deserve.

Hadn't thought of bleeding out like that.

Yo, message me before you go. Can I talk to u ????

Yes the dress is adorable. But can u talk to me first? It's more edgy if u don't

Not sure how to DM people yet. Can I even? My account is fresh so I'm not sure yet what I can and cannot access

Does a 9mm blows your head in half ?

I think a Full Metal Jacket would go through pretty clean but hallow point would be a bit more explosive
Woke up at 2am and the first thought on my mind was to blow my brains out. I'm not even having a bad pain morning and it's STILL my first thought.
The less I eat the better my disease feels BUT I know from past experiences I cannot function at the level of minimal intake it requires to dull the pain. If I don't eat I can't move much and if I do eat I can't move much. It's a no win.
Anxiety and panic have become frighteningly bad also if I enter the outside world cuz my nervous system can't regulate without beta blockers bringing me down.
I'm utterly useless but if I sit still long enough I can't move much feel "normal" for a few hours. All that does is make me sad cuz if I feel well and try to do stuff it all falls apart.

I was accused of "begging for oxycodnr" when. I directly said it's not a road I want to go down so I'm done with doctors almost entirely now. Disgusted with my PCP for that all I was asking for was some legit help NOT opioids.

 

[realname]

L

Lol No I'm not offended. It's under my bed right now with a magazine ready. It was surprisingly easy to get as I live in a gun loving USA state. Background passed becuase I've only ever VOLUNTEERED for psych admission. But it took like 3-4 days. Those were very anxious days but when I got my hands on it I felt such relief. I figured I'd put it in a secret place just in case my first attempt fails.

This is partly a joke but could I borrow your gin , I'll give it back when I'm finished with it (and myself).. jk bc it sounds like this is your backup plan and I wouldn't want to take that from you with no way of returning it?

Anyways your dress is nice and a cool idea that reminds me of the kid cudi song "wedding tux".

 

[aRose]

This is partly a joke but could I borrow your gin , I'll give it back when I'm finished with it (and myself).. jk bc it sounds like this is your backup plan and I wouldn't want to take that from you with no way of returning it?

Anyways your dress is nice and a cool idea that reminds me of the kid cudi song "wedding tux".

I was fiddling with it earlier today. Empty of course. It's starting to become my first plan again. Everything else seems overly complicated and as questionably painful as a shot to the head. I'd have to place a 9mm just right apparently ugh I'm so conflicted - easier doesn't seem easier.

 

[urgent]

L

Lol No I'm not offended. It's under my bed right now with a magazine ready. It was surprisingly easy to get as I live in a gun loving USA state. Background passed becuase I've only ever VOLUNTEERED for psych admission. But it took like 3-4 days. Those were very anxious days but when I got my hands on it I felt such relief. I figured I'd put it in a secret place just in case my first attempt fails.

OK so can you come by and use it on me real quick! Lol I wish you could. You might be nearby. No, cause our gun laws are strict and take months. You can't get if you had an admission or any mental health issues as far as they say. I'm in excruciating pain too. I literally hurt so much 24/7. I hope the best for you. But really anyone reading I'm open for help.

 

[2muchpain2]

No I'm not offended. It's under my bed right now with a magazine ready. It was surprisingly easy to get as I live in a gun loving USA state. Background passed becuase I've only ever VOLUNTEERED for psych admission. But it took like 3-4 days. Those were very anxious days but when I got my hands on it I felt such relief. I figured I'd put it in a secret place just in case my first attempt fails.

I had this idea for myself and that is to shoot myself (i don't have a weapon though) while in the ocean or in a body of water. then no mess at all. and I'd just go down into the water and maybe wash back up some day
Are you terminal? several states offer MAID, maybe you can do something like that? Or even hospice. sorry I'm not trying to simplify any of this because I know it's hard to jump thru all those hoops for assistance in dying, taking matters into your own hands just seems way easier. Even though it has it's own challenges that are hard to overcome. :( I'm just sorry we have to live like this. I always get so jealous when someone dies in a car accident or some other accident, wishing so much it was me.

OK so can you come by and use it on me real quick! Lol I wish you could. You might be nearby. No, cause our gun laws are strict and take months. You can't get if you had an admission or any mental health issues as far as they say. I'm in excruciating pain too. I literally hurt so much 24/7. I hope the best for you. But really anyone reading I'm open for help.

 

[fallen.dove]

hi

Hello, Im "Rose" and I just got approved for an account but I've been skimming the forum for a while now.
I've been suicidal since shortly after being diagnosed with JRA at age 7. I've suffer nothing but pain and abuses my entire life. I thought I was getting better (medically and mentally) but then in 2021 I got vagus nerve damage from a routine surgery and my life has been ripped away from me. I've fought and tried and failed to find relief in the years that followed and now I'm without any family at all and nowhere to live soon. Admittedly over the past 3 months or so I've pushed everyone away because I know what I'm about to do.

I've attempted legitimately twice - once at 17 with whatever otc crap was in the house. I felt at peace in that moment but obviously it didn't work. Just pissed my mom off. No therapy was had - just left in my room to bed rott after.

Then again around 20 I tried to slit my wrists but couldn't go deep enough. That was just pathetic really. I was homeless at the time so the hospital was at least a warm and clean space for a nap.

I'm considering several methods currently. I bought a gun but guns kinda freak me out. I shot it into a mattress to see how the exit wound would be. The idea of using hollow points and having half my head blown off doesn't feel ok to me.

I'm collecting medications also. All I have a lot of is propranolol which I've heard you need like 5g to OD on and it'll take months to get that colkected.

Now I'm learning to tie knots lol

I'm exploring all the theories but I keep talking myself out of one or the other but always keeping the old ideas on the back burner.

I was considering the KN method but I'm unsure how to source the poison. I have a script of reglan waiting for me at the pharmacy. I also have a large supply of propranolol and zofran (ondansetron) but nothing lethal yet. Is it reversible like SN?

I guess the part that worries me most is the visual results - blue face and such. I'd like to have an open casket.

I'm also toying with the ligature method hence the knot practice - I've ordered small bean bags to press against my arteries and some drawstring cord similar to my hoodie cord I've practiced with. I have heard this leaves behind the least obvious damage. I do have a ratchet strap already but I'm not sure which would be easier for me ultimately - thin cord and knots or ratchet strap? Idk. I do know the feeling of *almost* passing out from this style method and it does feel nice at least. A fun buzz before fainting.

I guess I'm exhibiting the Typical suicidal female stuff - wanting to leave behind a beautiful corpse and no mess.

I've also considering going downtown and just slamming a bunch of heroin but I don't want to end up labeled a disgraceful junky-overdose. I've been off hard drugs since my early 20s but ppl will gossip ya know?

I have an appointment tomorrow to discuss cremation arrangements. Don't think I can afford pre-paying but I'd like to get more info so I can at least write down all my requests and give locations and names for contact after I'm gone.

I also did a half-assed will but I own nothing really. Just a bank account with my SSDI deposits. My soon to be ex husband made sure of that. I've been emotionally and financially abused by him for a decade.

I moved all my sentimental stuff to a storage unit so ppl can sort through it when they're ready. Nothing of value to anyone but me really. I really have no assets to speak of.

I've written the obituary and the funeral pamphlet. Also the CTB note for whoever finds me.

I also ordered my funeral dress. hoping it arrives early.

I have the house to myself at this moment though so I'm trying to use what little energy I have to prepare. I'm really very physically sick but some days I can manage. My health waxes and wanes but it's progressively worsening and incurable and a lifetime of chronic illness experience has shown me what life will be like in the few short years to come. Any chance of finding joy and fun while still alive has been taken. I can't even enjoy food without pain. Hunger hurts less. Travel isn't affordable or comfortable. There's nothing left but bed rotting and living off $750/m SSDI.

I was even considering the starvation method due to my gastroparesis becuase I'm already down 20 pounds and barely eating at all so it's not such a stretch.. but that takes too long. I figure if I drop weight maybe less medication or poison would be needed so it's an overlap I'm ok with.

My birthday is on the 30th. But there's something important for SSDI I need to accomplish on March 5 (applying for my child to get dependent back pay from SSDI so I can at least leave behind some cash for her) so I'm trying my best to get everything arranged but damn it's hard to hold on.

I'll keep reading and learning here until I can come to terms with a method and a date.

hi, i hope youll find the peace youre looking for. i really wish i could get access to a gun too lol. i really want to die this way but for now noone answered my questions about ordering it/buying it in person:( even tho i live in poland and people say that is possible without a license - im still scared to just do it without even knowing what should i choose etc. i really want to know cuz i find it beautiful to die that way. if someone is able to answer my questions, thanks in advance
take care<3

 

[madameviolette]

Hadn't thought of bleeding out like that.

Not sure how to DM people yet. Can I even? My account is fresh so I'm not sure yet what I can and cannot access

I think a Full Metal Jacket would go through pretty clean but hallow point would be a bit more explosive
Woke up at 2am and the first thought on my mind was to blow my brains out. I'm not even having a bad pain morning and it's STILL my first thought.
The less I eat the better my disease feels BUT I know from past experiences I cannot function at the level of minimal intake it requires to dull the pain. If I don't eat I can't move much and if I do eat I can't move much. It's a no win.
Anxiety and panic have become frighteningly bad also if I enter the outside world cuz my nervous system can't regulate without beta blockers bringing me down.
I'm utterly useless but if I sit still long enough I can't move much feel "normal" for a few hours. All that does is make me sad cuz if I feel well and try to do stuff it all falls apart.

I was accused of "begging for oxycodnr" when. I directly said it's not a road I want to go down so I'm done with doctors almost entirely now. Disgusted with my PCP for that all I was asking for was some legit help NOT opioids.

I can relate with all of that. Not eating makes my pain better but then eventually I get worse from starvation and eating makes my pain worse

On the DW you could get oxy easily I think

 

[aRose]

I've seemed to settled on the charcoal method (I have other posts made about that)
The gun is my backup plan. Not sure where to hide it - probably in the storage unit I already have.