Help Hello! Getting things tidy and neat

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Hello! Thank you for having me!

I unfortunately am at a point where CTB seems to be the best option, and this forum seems to be the best place to have conversations that I cannot have elsewhere.

Here are my goals while here:

1. Try to make sure I have things as tidy as possible prior to CTB
2. Try to reduce trauma for myself and others as much as possible
3. Ask for feedback, such as asking if I'm being too rash with my decision-making
4. Talk to like-minded people (maybe those in a similar situation), and maybe have good conversation
5. If I'm lucky, find a way to survive. Maybe hear from others if they found an unexpected or obvious way out

A lot of other posts have addressed much of what I have for 1 and 2, but there are still some things to ask about, so this post will focus on my 1st and 2nd goals (as listed).
I will probably make post(s) to address 3, 4, and 5 in the future, as well as to share my situation, thoughts, and more about myself.
Private messages are welcomed (as soon as I can access them)!

Currently, my plan is to have as many logistical items figured out as possible, and I will be evaluating monthly if I'm ready to CTB, because it would not be fair to others if I didn't prepare accordingly.

Below are some of my current priorities, if anyone wants to know:
Things to do:

• Write Goodbye Note

Things to research:

• Further research SN, the method I'll probably choose, but it already looks like the best approach
• How to address some of the post-life things relating to name and identity and such

Questions:

• Should I try to get my suicide note, or an attached 'cover note', notarized?
• Do I CTB while in a body bag?
• Do I CTB in a Hotel or rented apartment?
• Below trauma reduction question

Trauma Reduction Question:
In terms of trauma reduction, I plan on reaching out to the last person I would consider a friend, and letting them know that I plan to CTB.
This is intended to give them the opportunity to ask why and such, and hopefully soften the eventual notification of my departure, so they've already pre-processed and hopefully the news is hopefully a softer blow.
For this, the goal of trying to lessen the impact on that friend and I've accepted that intervention might be attempted or initiated.
For the sake of that friend's wellbeing, is this plan ill-recommended?
Edit immediately after posting: Adjust for editing deadline

 

[lpdsvm]

A bag is a good idea if you really want to disturb nobody or not too much. I might do it, too.
The issue is it will make some noise I think when having convulsions while being unconscious. If no one will hear it's fine.
Choosing a hotel is good. I believe you got it all.

Make sure that hotel staff won't try to disturb you. I don't know. They could call or come and offer extra services. I was in simple hotels so I never had that thing. They never disturbed me.
Another thing, people die and I have seen a dead body. I saw them unexpectedly too. It was gross. It made me uncomfortable. It will make me uncomfortable no matter the cause of death. People die all the time so as for me I will prioritize me and a bag or not only if it doesn't make me uncomfortable.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

For hotel staff not disturbing, I'll probably start around 2am, at which point, I put up a sign on my door indicating that there's a deceased person within, and that emergency services should be contacted, and then start the process.
Honestly, the part of the process I'm most worried about is the photographing of my body, and possibly the removal of clothes; Don't know why that bothers me so much, especially since I won't be able to care.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Telling your friend or not depends on your priorities. Is your priority to get an intervention, or is it to ctb? If you want help, you can get it without doing this. Telling them won't soften the blow, it will only make you feel better about it, two very different things. If you tell them and they can't find any way to change your mind, they're likely to feel incredibly helpless.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Telling your friend or not depends on your priorities. Is your priority to get an intervention, or is it to ctb? If you want help, you can get it without doing this. Telling them won't soften the blow, it will only make you feel better about it, two very different things. If you tell them and they can't find any way to change your mind, they're likely to feel incredibly helpless.

I appreciate your feedback, thank you.
My priority isn't intervention, it's to get out of the situation I find myself and to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone else, and the best solution looks to be CTB.
I could try to leave the state, but it will take at least 6 months, probably more, to be able to do so, and there's no guarantee this pattern won't keep happening.

In telling them, my priority is to hopefully reduce the long term impact on them from me CTB, and reduce the surprise/shock, since they really don't do well with either.
Kind of like how a spike is smoothed out by a rolling average, and I'm worried that the spike of finding out that I CTB will overwhelm them.
And, selfishly, I want to say goodbye.
I'll leave them a note, but since a note won't be able to capture everything, I want to let them have an opportunity to ask things that might be missed in the final document they get.
They're the last person I truly care about, and I want to do the best I can for them given the likelihood of stress getting me or CTB.

So, as I understand it, I should not tell them?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I appreciate your feedback, thank you.
My priority isn't intervention, it's to get out of the situation I find myself and to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone else, and the best solution looks to be CTB.
I could try to leave the state, but it will take at least 6 months, probably more, to be able to do so, and there's no guarantee this pattern won't keep happening.

In telling them, my priority is to hopefully reduce the long term impact on them from me CTB, and reduce the surprise/shock, since they really don't do well with either.
Kind of like how a spike is smoothed out by a rolling average, and I'm worried that the spike of finding out that I CTB will overwhelm them.
And, selfishly, I want to say goodbye.
I'll leave them a note, but since a note won't be able to capture everything, I want to let them have an opportunity to ask things that might be missed in the final document they get.
They're the last person I truly care about, and I want to do the best I can for them given the likelihood of stress getting me or CTB.

So, as I understand it, I should not tell them?

I would say no, but I'd also say that if ctbing seems like the best solution now, but is not the only possible solution, I really think you should try the other options & only ctb as an absolute last resort. Six months to a year or more isn't long in the grand scheme of things, although I understand it feels like it is when you're going through it. I wish you all the best in making these decisions.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

I would say no, but I'd also say that if ctbing seems like the best solution now, but is not the only possible solution, I really think you should try the other options & only ctb as an absolute last resort. Six months to a year or more isn't long in the grand scheme of things, although I understand it feels like it is when you're going through it. I wish you all the best in making these decisions.

Thank you for your encouragement, I really appreciate it.
Unfortunately, it's easier said than done.
- Minimal social contact outside of a few hours a week at work
- Social exile as far as I can tell, stuck in a small town, and this social exile seems to reach into the wider part of this state/region.
- 6 months to a year is the absolute best-case timeline, realistically at least two years
- I doubt I have the capacity needed to make it that long before further psychological breaks, and I definitely don't have the support system needed
- Years of professional help are needed before I can form meaningful relationships, after I escape, so that I can be sure that I won't hurt anyone
- There's no certainty that I can break the pattern

Easy solution, yes, but the only other possibility (escaping) doesn't seam realistic or achievable within the time frame I have to endure.
I've been putting out 'Hail Mary's as I've been able, but none have returned results.