Venting guilt with self harm

[chudeatte]

anyone else feel this way?

Ive been cutting for a really long time, and I dont think it will stop anytime soon. I do it to relieve some of my stress and my self hatred mostly. I know a lot of people do it for the pain but I dont really do it for that reason primarily. anyway, when I do it I have this old bedsheet that I never use to wipe away my blood. every time I grab it I see so much blood from my past cutting, and I just feel guilt. like I just sit there and think what the fuck am I actually doing anymore, how much of a loser can I be that im cutting this much and collecting this much blood on this fabric without things getting better. it just reminds me that things will never change, and I should just ctb already because thats enough proof that I have no reason to live anymore. and then my scars do that too. they hurt when I shower, when I lay a certain way in bed, and they'll always be on my body. its just a constant reminder that this is my life. im a loser with nothing to live for, cutting over every negative thought that enters my head. it makes my guilt worse. I hate it