vagabond_concerto
night owl seeking for meaning
- Sep 19, 2024
- 9
I really wonder what is this experience? Am I screwed in this dynamic which will forever just rot more and more? Until the end?
My grandfather died on my birthday last week from an illness he was affected by since 3 years. I was depressed when I found out. I had gotten home from a long night shift and slept all day and missed my birthday all together.
Since getting it, it rapidly ate away at him and made him essentially bed bound until his final days. During this time, I did not reach out more than 2 times by phone. Honestly I felt horrible that he was so ill and i was in deep denial. I also would have tense conversation with them any time i would call. I have been depressed and burnout since i can remember, too. I also had a hard time believing that my family is not invincible. I always felt like a moral failure and spiritually bankrupted. (Due to SI, depression, misanthropy, estranged by family)
I also was never able to make that kind of trip to see them on my own time, because I have little money and they live in central asia (i live in north america for comparison).
NB: It is also hard to sum up decades of family tension in 1 post.
Then.. After grandfather passed, my father and my older sibling arranged to fly over to asia to cleanup and help my grandma at home.
I thought i also had a hopeful divine calling to a journey- my bf coincidentally gave me a pendant with a travel mantra on it... I thought it was a call from beyond the grave, to come and reunite... I felt hopeful of going... Maybe i can fix things? (My bf didnt know of the death)
At first, my sibling told me 'you are welcome to assist to the funeral'- but they know I cant pay for the ticket. It seemed hopeless. Then when i still expressed a worried (estranged child) interest in wanting to go, i explained the pendant situation, at first he said he could pay for me. It seemed optimistic and i was looking forward to try to mend the relationship...
Then suddenly he cuts me out of the trip completely and refuses to speak to me further. He mentioned that from a previous call, my grandmother was angry with me - and from this i concluded they technically had disowned me. I mean i know it should not feel different from not talking at all for a few years... But i feel like this was doomed from the moment i was born? From the moment i was emotionally abandoned? My grandparents did not care much for my existence when I was a kid and always favored my sibling. When we moved countries it was even more apparent... As kids on every video call, him at the front talking a lot, and me in the back and not spoken to...
Regardless, i feel like nothing can ever change.. Even if i thought i can... It wont. This confirmation reawakens my sense of being lost, more depressed, and i sort of feel like bojack horseman in some way. Horrible and unfixable in my mistakes. Everyone always says to be strong and that miracles happen... Well i keep getting pushed away..
My grandfather died on my birthday last week from an illness he was affected by since 3 years. I was depressed when I found out. I had gotten home from a long night shift and slept all day and missed my birthday all together.
Since getting it, it rapidly ate away at him and made him essentially bed bound until his final days. During this time, I did not reach out more than 2 times by phone. Honestly I felt horrible that he was so ill and i was in deep denial. I also would have tense conversation with them any time i would call. I have been depressed and burnout since i can remember, too. I also had a hard time believing that my family is not invincible. I always felt like a moral failure and spiritually bankrupted. (Due to SI, depression, misanthropy, estranged by family)
I also was never able to make that kind of trip to see them on my own time, because I have little money and they live in central asia (i live in north america for comparison).
NB: It is also hard to sum up decades of family tension in 1 post.
Then.. After grandfather passed, my father and my older sibling arranged to fly over to asia to cleanup and help my grandma at home.
I thought i also had a hopeful divine calling to a journey- my bf coincidentally gave me a pendant with a travel mantra on it... I thought it was a call from beyond the grave, to come and reunite... I felt hopeful of going... Maybe i can fix things? (My bf didnt know of the death)
At first, my sibling told me 'you are welcome to assist to the funeral'- but they know I cant pay for the ticket. It seemed hopeless. Then when i still expressed a worried (estranged child) interest in wanting to go, i explained the pendant situation, at first he said he could pay for me. It seemed optimistic and i was looking forward to try to mend the relationship...
Then suddenly he cuts me out of the trip completely and refuses to speak to me further. He mentioned that from a previous call, my grandmother was angry with me - and from this i concluded they technically had disowned me. I mean i know it should not feel different from not talking at all for a few years... But i feel like this was doomed from the moment i was born? From the moment i was emotionally abandoned? My grandparents did not care much for my existence when I was a kid and always favored my sibling. When we moved countries it was even more apparent... As kids on every video call, him at the front talking a lot, and me in the back and not spoken to...
Regardless, i feel like nothing can ever change.. Even if i thought i can... It wont. This confirmation reawakens my sense of being lost, more depressed, and i sort of feel like bojack horseman in some way. Horrible and unfixable in my mistakes. Everyone always says to be strong and that miracles happen... Well i keep getting pushed away..
