Venting Grandma called and said she was hospitalized but I don’t feel anything

[waterbottle3929]

I've always told myself I'd kill myself once my grandma dies since Id want to spare her another attempt.

She called me and said she went to the hospital yesterday but I didn't feel anything except irritated if I'm honest. I feel like a horrible person because she was the one who raised me— she was basically my mom— but I really can't get any sympathy for her when she calls me for feeling lonely or wanting to talk to someone or for this when it's usually to guilt trip me into saying stuff. Like how I chose the college i chose because she said she'd die if I chose anything else. Or how when I was going through a breakdown— she'd either tell me I'm weak, a coward, or that I'm going to destroy everything she's ever built and her entire family. It feels like…it's always about her emotions and I have to accommodate her. But whenever I want to talk about things that bother me I get brushes to the side, told to suck it up, told life is hard so deal with it, etc, etc. like I feel sad, I guess. A bit. But it's mostly because I feel guilty for not being sad enough? I'm just tired. I don't like speaking to anyone in my family at all.

It's evil and selfish, and horrible to say, but I'm not sure I care too much. I'm not going to go home to see her because I have papers due. I'll call her tomorrow probably but that's it. It just feels like one big hassle that I have an obligation to go through. The other feeling I have is just hoping she doesn't tell the family how irritable I was in the call and the fact I ignored her calls until she kept spamming me and that's when I found out about it and whatever. I really just…don't want to deal with the drama.

 

[TBONTB]

a couple of things

Your Grandma is in the hospital, but is she dying now? That wasn't clear in your post but maybe you were going fast

It's okay to not feel anything. That is more normal than people let on. Or to feel different things as time goes on

Lastly, a close family members death always affects us. Even if it was a good relationship, it was an important relationship. If you can, spend a little time just thinking about who she was in your life, I'd possible letting go some of the anger and the hurt.

Best of luck on your exams.

 

[waterbottle3929]

a couple of things

Your Grandma is in the hospital, but is she dying now? That wasn't clear in your post but maybe you were going fast

It's okay to not feel anything. That is more normal than people let on. Or to feel different things as time goes on

Lastly, a close family members death always affects us. Even if it was a good relationship, it was an important relationship. If you can, spend a little time just thinking about who she was in your life, I'd possible letting go some of the anger and the hurt.

Best of luck on your exams.

she's fine. She got discharged the next morning.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

There's absolute nothing evil or selfish in not caring about a relative. For what you said, seem that your feelings about your grandma are justified: your relationship appears unidirectional (emotionally speaking, you have to be there for her, but her isn't for you) and a bit abusive.
We're taught since young age that family is important no matter what, but that's just one of the most terrible unjustified assumptions that we're fed upon. Family bonds aren't something natural, instinctual. As any other bond, they need proper construction. If a relative isn't nice to us, demands too much without giving anything and does shit like guilt tripping is normal that the relationship goes strained.
We don't owe shit to a family member just for the fact that they're a family member. Sorry if this sounds like preaching, this issue is a bit triggering for me

 

[westerly_merlin]

I've always told myself I'd kill myself once my grandma dies since Id want to spare her another attempt.

She called me and said she went to the hospital yesterday but I didn't feel anything except irritated if I'm honest. I feel like a horrible person because she was the one who raised me— she was basically my mom— but I really can't get any sympathy for her when she calls me for feeling lonely or wanting to talk to someone or for this when it's usually to guilt trip me into saying stuff. Like how I chose the college i chose because she said she'd die if I chose anything else. Or how when I was going through a breakdown— she'd either tell me I'm weak, a coward, or that I'm going to destroy everything she's ever built and her entire family. It feels like…it's always about her emotions and I have to accommodate her. But whenever I want to talk about things that bother me I get brushes to the side, told to suck it up, told life is hard so deal with it, etc, etc. like I feel sad, I guess. A bit. But it's mostly because I feel guilty for not being sad enough? I'm just tired. I don't like speaking to anyone in my family at all.

It's evil and selfish, and horrible to say, but I'm not sure I care too much. I'm not going to go home to see her because I have papers due. I'll call her tomorrow probably but that's it. It just feels like one big hassle that I have an obligation to go through. The other feeling I have is just hoping she doesn't tell the family how irritable I was in the call and the fact I ignored her calls until she kept spamming me and that's when I found out about it and whatever. I really just…don't want to deal with the drama.

My Dad treated me in a similar way. I guess he thought he was doing his best but he tried to guilt trip or coerce me into behaving and living my life the way he wanted. He could never accept the way I lived my life and my career.

He died last year and I felt nothing, not happy or sad. To me it was just the next phase in his life story.

I guess what I am saying is, it does not make you a bad person if you don't have strong emotions about the person who raised you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you feel disturbed or, upset that you feel less? We can't exactly help it though. I think when life batters us to such an extent, it's inevitable that we become more numb. I guess it's a defense mechanism to some extent. Can someone live life feeling or, being made to feel intense emotions the whole time? Including guilt?

I also think it's kind of inevitable that people reap what they sow. If they have been neglectful over our problems and emotions, we may well feel less willing to support them in return. When they demand so much in spite of and, sometimes to the detriment of us- we may well grow tired of it.

My life sounds similar to yours. My Grandma did the bulk of my raising. She also suffered with her health a lot and, she could be very demanding and not all that sympathetic always- when I was struggling. Overall though, she was actually a loving and protective Mum. My time with her was far happier than with my step family- when my Dad eventually remarried. I was only too happy to get away from that family when I went to uni. My time with them lead me to develop ideation to begin with.

Really though, probably similarly to you, I sank myself into my uni work totally. I suppose in a subconscious way- to give myself the best chance of living independently eventually. But, I did neglect my Grandma. I've eventually aged to really regret that because she died before I could do more. Seeing as she did do so much for me. Not to say you should reconsider though. But yeah, my worse regrets in life have been neglecting her and other people who did so much for me. I think there were kind of understandable reasons I became very self centred but then- it also doesn't feel great, now that they've all gone.

It's so much harder though when they, in big part are a reason we are suffering so much to begin with. Whatever their intentions were. In that case, it's no real wonder that people do want to distance themselves from them.