Discussion Goodbye Thread

[starlightstarbright]

Hi,

I know I haven't been on here long and I haven't interacted much with anyone, but I just wanted to say that everyone on here has been so kind. I posted on Thursday about aborting my attempt, and everyone was so kind. I said at the time that I'd wait until after the 4th of July, but I don't feel the need to wait, now. I'm at peace and not scared anymore - I'm ready this time.

It really helped me to know that my train of thinking is not something uniquely awful and selfish and specific to me. For a long time, I felt alone and that I must be particularly deficient to end up like this. While I do wish that no one else had to suffer through this pain, if that wish can't come true (and we all know it never will), then I'd at least rather know that there are other people out there who feel the way I do and that I'm not alone in feeling that death is the only way I can end my suffering now. So, thank you. This site has (ironically) made things more bearable at times when I thought I couldn't take another second of being alive, and I'm glad to have waited those impulsive periods out. Today, my decision is not impulsive, and I'm glad for it.

I've got my exit bag ready to go. The house is empty for the evening. If there ends up being something wrong with the equipment for some reason, I do also have a loaded gun. I'm quite scared of being in pain for however long it takes to bleed out if I use the gun (it's a .380 caliber, not big), so the bag is my primary choice, but I'll switch to the gun if needed.

Thank you all for everything. In the months that it's taken me to gather everything, this site was one of the few things that eased my sufferings at times. Thank you, and goodbye.

 

[Namelesa]

Whatever happens or with what you choose, I hope you escape the pain you are in, one way or another

 

[lifeisadream]

So sorry for all that you've suffered & that you felt alone for so long. It's nice that you found comfort here. Wishing you peace & sending you hugs

 

[Higurashi415]

I hope you'll obtain what you wish for. Farewell, and if things don't go the way you imagined it, feel free to come back here ;)

 

[MourningFlower]

Safe travels, I hope you find peace.

 

[Slark]

I sincerely hope you find the peace you seek, whatever your decision may be. I'm here if you'd like to talk a little before anything else.

 

[SailorBlue]

I wish you the best whatever you choose, you're not alone.

 

[Doll Steak]

I do hope you can find peace in whatever it is you choose, weather now or later.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

It's good to read that you're at peace. That's important. We tend to wonder what's "on the other side." In all the years of scientific research, there's never been any indication that there's anything after your brain shuts down. This mostly means that there's no guilt or regret. Our guilt and resentment only exist while we're here. That's why it's important to be at peace with the idea that your suffering has no purpose, just suffering inherent to all living things. Nature is going to kill us anyway. And often cruelly. I've seen it happen to all kinds of people. No matter how kind they were, they were not spared a slow and painful end. I hope everything goes well and that it's quick.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

whatever you choose, I am sending you love and peace.

 

[Kanoh]

I'm always sad to see a goodbye thread even though at the same time I envy your courage to go through with it once and for all. Peace and love for you eternally.

 

[kitkat9234]

Sorry that you've been struggling. Wishing you peace.

 

[spero_meliora]

Whatever you choose, I hope you find the peace you seek on your journey.

 

[starlightstarbright]

Well, I failed. I'm so embarrassed and angry with myself.

There was a tear in my bag, and I didn't realize for quite a while. It was once I was still conscious after an incredibly long time that I thought, "I should definitely have passed out by now."

I took the bag off and saw a tear (so all the gas was escaping through there since the gas is lighter than air), and because I've used up most of my gas, I can't continue with a new bag. I think the tear came from one of my nails when I was pulling the bag down all the way, because it wasn't there before I started my attempt.

I am still too scared of the pain to touch the gun, so I'm staying alive. It's been a horrendous week - I crashed the car, chickened out of a suicide attempt last week, got into multiple fights a day with my parents, offended the guests because I'm acting shy and weird around them even though it's probably undiagnosed social anxiety or avoidant personality disorder or something else, goodness knows there's no chance I'm neurotypical because I have burst out bawling in the grocery store simply because people existed around me, and talking to people gives me panic attacks even if they're not strangers and actually really nice, and any criticism or judgment genuinely makes me want to either hurt them or myself, and I can go from worshipping someone to wanting them dead to forgiving them of everything to wanting them dead again multiple times a day. I've never known a shred of emotional stability and I'm horrendously needy and sensitive to judgment while being completely unable to socialize which is why I have no friends and no job, and I thought it would finally be over but no, I ripped the bag with my nail and now I need to get more inert gas which costs money and the car I crashed last week is getting repaired, so I can't drive to the store for gas anyway.

I just want some peace. Why am I too cowardly to shoot the gun? It's probably only painful for a few seconds. It'll solve all my problems. Sure, the bag is painless, but the gun is certain. Much harder to mess up. Even though I tried with gas, I'm still effectively chickening out because I won't use the gun.

Isn't it funny, CTB is supposed to be the (permanent) break I need from life, but I'm so stressed about my methods that I feel like I need a break from thinking about CTB, albeit a temporary break. This was supposed to bring me peace, not more stress. Gosh, why is nothing ever easy?​

 

[MourningFlower]

Well, I failed. I'm so embarrassed and angry with myself.

There was a tear in my bag, and I didn't realize for quite a while. It was once I was still conscious after an incredibly long time that I thought, "I should definitely have passed out by now."

I took the bag off and saw a tear (so all the gas was escaping through there since the gas is lighter than air), and because I've used up most of my gas, I can't continue with a new bag. I think the tear came from one of my nails when I was pulling the bag down all the way, because it wasn't there before I started my attempt.

I am still too scared of the pain to touch the gun, so I'm staying alive. It's been a horrendous week - I crashed the car, chickened out of a suicide attempt last week, got into multiple fights a day with my parents, offended the guests because I'm acting shy and weird around them even though it's probably undiagnosed social anxiety or avoidant personality disorder or something else, goodness knows there's no chance I'm neurotypical because I have burst out bawling in the grocery store simply because people existed around me, and talking to people gives me panic attacks even if they're not strangers and actually really nice, and any criticism or judgment genuinely makes me want to either hurt them or myself, and I can go from worshipping someone to wanting them dead to forgiving them of everything to wanting them dead again multiple times a day. I've never known a shred of emotional stability and I'm horrendously needy and sensitive to judgment while being completely unable to socialize which is why I have no friends and no job, and I thought it would finally be over but no, I ripped the bag with my nail and now I need to get more inert gas which costs money and the car I crashed last week is getting repaired, so I can't drive to the store for gas anyway.

I just want some peace. Why am I too cowardly to shoot the gun? It's probably only painful for a few seconds. It'll solve all my problems. Sure, the bag is painless, but the gun is certain. Much harder to mess up. Even though I tried with gas, I'm still effectively chickening out because I won't use the gun.

Isn't it funny, CTB is supposed to be the (permanent) break I need from life, but I'm so stressed about my methods that I feel like I need a break from thinking about CTB, albeit a temporary break. This was supposed to bring me peace, not more stress. Gosh, why is nothing ever easy?​

What you're feeling is normal. Please, don't beat yourself up about it. You're not a chicken, you're not useless. You're human. Humans are messy, and needy and imperfect. If I could sit with you in silence and be there just to hug you, I would, but for now, please just rest.

 

[MrOptions]

Welcome back. We have .

 

[SmilingNoMore]

Be kind to yourself, there aren't real words of comfort, but I'm sending love and hugs your way. You are not alone.

 

[starlightstarbright]

What you're feeling is normal. Please, don't beat yourself up about it. You're not a chicken, you're not useless. You're human. Humans are messy, and needy and imperfect. If I could sit with you in silence and be there just to hug you, I would, but for now, please just rest.

Thank you. I don't think I can explain how much I needed to hear that. I have no friends and my parents and I fight constantly, and I don't think I've gotten a hug from anyone in months.

I want nothing more than a hug or a shoulder to cry on right now, someone who won't judge me or tell me it's not so bad or that I'm being irrational or all the things I'm hearing day in and day out at home. Even though we'll never meet, it really helps to know that such kind people like you even exist, and that there's at least one person who believes I should be allowed to rest.

My family seem to think I don't deserve any rest or privacy or kindness until I'm employed and I stop acting so abnormal. It means so much that you want me to rest. Thank you.

Welcome back. We have .

Thank you! Cookies are always good

Be kind to yourself, there aren't real words of comfort, but I'm sending love and hugs your way. You are not alone.

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. I keep forgetting that my family are not the whole world, and that kinder people than them exist. Everyone on here has been so kind. Thank you.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

It's okay. There's nothing to be ashamed of. If you can't use the gun, you're not ready for it. That's all. When you're ready (if you are) you'll know.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Glad you're still here. Really. PM me if you want. Otherwise, I will see you on the other side...or at my ghostly dinner table at Xmas Eve.

 

[MourningFlower]

Thank you. I don't think I can explain how much I needed to hear that. I have no friends and my parents and I fight constantly, and I don't think I've gotten a hug from anyone in months.

I want nothing more than a hug or a shoulder to cry on right now, someone who won't judge me or tell me it's not so bad or that I'm being irrational or all the things I'm hearing day in and day out at home. Even though we'll never meet, it really helps to know that such kind people like you even exist, and that there's at least one person who believes I should be allowed to rest.

My family seem to think I don't deserve any rest or privacy or kindness until I'm employed and I stop acting so abnormal. It means so much that you want me to rest. Thank you.

From one Internet stranger to another, I see you. My inbox is open if you need a virtual shoulder-to-cry-on, so to speak. But for now, please take care of You.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

i wish i could offer the relief you need to get over it. sending a warm hug

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer in this cruel existence, I wish you the best.