Today's the day I CTB via partial suspension hanging. I can't express what I'm feeling right now through words, maybe a mixture of serenity, anticipation, and guilt? Whatever it is, it's way different than when I attempted a few months ago. That night I had made my full suspension hanging setup, made a goodbye post here, cleared my search history, you know how it goes. I even got up on my chair a few times. In the end I didn't go through with it out of fear and abandoned SaSu out of embarrassment for a while. Since I've come back, I've spent a good amount of time on the site, and I can safely say my feelings towards it haven't changed. I'm forever grateful for this community and the people that work hard to keep it alive!!
Long story short, the months after my attempt weren't great, and I was basically living in a loop where I was either dissociated or anxiously stalling for time. I stopped going to my classes (am I even enrolled in them anymore? lol) and only spent time with my family and friends so that they wouldn't get suspicious. It's not that I was scared of death, I was just scared of the pain. I still am a little, but now I've accepted the fact that there's worse ways to go, and if I keep stalling my life will completely derail. So, better late than never!!!
I'll probably lurk on here for a few more hours and eat some candy (maybe think of me next time you eat some?
) to ease my nerves, but if I don't post any updates within a day it means I went through with it! And yes, I'll actually update this time. Pinky promise. I wish you all the best of luck, whether in life or death. If you ever feel unloved or hopeless, know that I love you and am with you!! In spirit of course. Take care everyone!!
Long story short, the months after my attempt weren't great, and I was basically living in a loop where I was either dissociated or anxiously stalling for time. I stopped going to my classes (am I even enrolled in them anymore? lol) and only spent time with my family and friends so that they wouldn't get suspicious. It's not that I was scared of death, I was just scared of the pain. I still am a little, but now I've accepted the fact that there's worse ways to go, and if I keep stalling my life will completely derail. So, better late than never!!!
I'll probably lurk on here for a few more hours and eat some candy (maybe think of me next time you eat some?
) to ease my nerves, but if I don't post any updates within a day it means I went through with it! And yes, I'll actually update this time. Pinky promise. I wish you all the best of luck, whether in life or death. If you ever feel unloved or hopeless, know that I love you and am with you!! In spirit of course. Take care everyone!!
