Hello, so I have decided to ctb. The time has come. I always knew I would but I can feel that this time I will put together my plan and not mess it up this time.
About 18 months ago, I tried to hang from a metal free standing shelf. After I passed out, my weight fell forward and took the shelf with me. I felt a pain that I didn't understand, and then woke up in total panic.
Since then, I really tried to make my life feel better. I finished my AA degree, and tried to let my obsession with money and homelessness go (tried to trust my boyfriend to be paying his debt etc). Things were rough. I felt alone the whole time. On one hand I felt like he needed to be away to take care of us, but on the other hand I was still paying my half the bills with no money coming in save some AI work here and there.
Long story short, nothing really has changed. I still desperately need him to hear me, he thinks he's right. His affection toward me is waxy and fake.
When I get paid this week (hopefully Thurs night latest) I am going to get a cheap motel room. I'm gonna find some easy alcohol to consume(I don't drink) to pair with my Clonazepam. I also, for fun, will have my DOC smoking blues for the last time ever. Then I will take my noose I used last time and tie it to something more sturdy than a free standing metal shelf.
About 18 months ago, I tried to hang from a metal free standing shelf. After I passed out, my weight fell forward and took the shelf with me. I felt a pain that I didn't understand, and then woke up in total panic.
Since then, I really tried to make my life feel better. I finished my AA degree, and tried to let my obsession with money and homelessness go (tried to trust my boyfriend to be paying his debt etc). Things were rough. I felt alone the whole time. On one hand I felt like he needed to be away to take care of us, but on the other hand I was still paying my half the bills with no money coming in save some AI work here and there.
Long story short, nothing really has changed. I still desperately need him to hear me, he thinks he's right. His affection toward me is waxy and fake.
When I get paid this week (hopefully Thurs night latest) I am going to get a cheap motel room. I'm gonna find some easy alcohol to consume(I don't drink) to pair with my Clonazepam. I also, for fun, will have my DOC smoking blues for the last time ever. Then I will take my noose I used last time and tie it to something more sturdy than a free standing metal shelf.
